about face!

You may totally disregard what I said earlier this morning. Of, course I could go into the settings and delete it, but then I wouldn’t have a permanent record of how totally wrong I was for those few hours. JK! I’m wrong a lot and I often recognize it. It usually is when I am judging, feeling sorry for myself, depressed, critical of others. You know, all those pesky [obvious] sins that continue to distract and mislead us me.

I admit. I was feeling pretty messed up this morning before conference. Kind of down. Kind of depressed. Kind of lonely. Kind of abandoned. Kind of sad. Kind of miserable.

But, as often happens, I got to conference an hour early, visited with lots of people, moved around the chapel looking for the perfect place to sit, found it. I spent some time with President [now Patriarch] Isom talking about Blythe’s amazing P blessing. I got to see Terri, Jim and Gaby, Becky and her Mother, Dave Taylor, the Becks. I shook hands with President Mark Isom and Don Toomer and the Stoddards. We visited about Family Search. I saw Mary and Clark. It was wonderful.

Then the talks began. Carilyn Gillies spoke and I swear, the entire chapel emptied on cue and I was the only one she spoke to. She talked about burdens, sadness, disappointment, hurt.

Many carry heavy burdens. Some have lost a loved one to death or care for one who is disabled. Some have been wounded by divorce. Others yearn for an eternal marriage. Some are caught in the grip of addictive substances or practices like alcohol, tobacco, drugs, struggles with weight, or pornography. Others have crippling physical or mental impairments. Some are challenged by same-gender attraction. Some have terrible feelings of depression or inadequacy. In one way or another, many are heavy laden.

To each of us our Savior gives this loving invitation:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light”

I’m telling you, she had my total attention. I had gone through most of my stash of Puffs Plus by then and was re-using the best ones of the bunch.

No matter the burdens we face in life as a consequence of natural conditions, the misconduct of others, or our own mistakes and shortcomings, we are all children of a loving Father, who sent us to earth as part of His plan for our growth and progress. Our individual experiences can help us prepare to return to Him. The adversity and afflictions that are ours, however difficult to bear, last, from heaven’s perspective, for “but a small moment; and then, if we endure it well, God shall exalt us on high.” We must do everything we can to bear our burdens “well” for however long our “small moment” carrying them lasts.

Burdens provide opportunities to practice virtues that contribute to eventual perfection. They invite us to yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and put off the natural man and become a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and become as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon us, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Thus burdens become blessings, though often such blessings are well disguised and may require time, effort, and faith to accept and understand.

Yup. I needed that!!!!

Bearing up under our own burdens can help us develop a reservoir of empathy for the problems others face.

That, too!

All of the other talks were along the same lines. I think. Actually, when I talked to a few others afterward, I mentioned that all the talks were on the same subject, and they didn’t think so at all. So it must have been — that I needed to hear — those things until they sunk in!

I heard [over and over] that Heavenly Father has a unique individualized plan for me and although I have disturbed that plan many a time, He continues to provide ways for me to return to Him, both in this life  – with peace and happiness here on earth — and in the life to come, if I will repent, follow His example, serve others and ENDURE.

ENDURE, for Heaven’s Sake, Dorothy! And, Endure Well.

So, so glad I went to conference!

falling

Well, I am falling into place. I am realizing I’m 61 years old and I’m not getting any younger. I’m feeling a little worn out and a little used up. Not a good feeling, altogether, but not necessarily bad, either. I’m feeling my age. I’m letting myself feel my age.

It’s kind of surprising to me. To feel the end of the road approaching. Hey, I’m not trying to solicit any sympathy or pity here. And, I know I’ve got a good 20 years or so! I’m not talking about years here. I’m just saying that a few things are changing, I’m very aware of them, and they are something that I actually feel. FEEL. Physically and emotionally. It doesn’t do any good to ignore or deny those feelings. I’m just letting them come to the surface and experiencing them for what they really are. Sure, there are some regrets and measurable sorrow. Most of the time I recognize mistakes I’ve made. I see many things that came as consequence of my choices. I stare in the face of reality every single day. I feel the aloneness I’ve built for myself. I feel the boundaries and the self-imposed isolation. I listen to the quiet. I hear the body language.

Yah, I messed up.

Sometimes, I think . . . if it’s like this at 60, what will it be like at 65 or 70?

Hey, on the other hand . . . [see I don't let myself stay in that place too long] . . .

[Distracting myself]

On the other hand, it’s a beautiful Sabbath morning and I am heading to our Stake Conference, so full of anticipation for a wonderful experience. Last night’s meeting was marvelous, of course. Brother Keyes, Darla Eyre and Molly Thigpin gave talks full of emotion, inspiration and faith. The music was amazing. Brother Hamblin played and sang ‘A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.’ Beautiful!!! [Tears flowing all around.] I saw so many good friends and neighbors. Lot’s of hugs and friendly back-slaps going on. I love Conference!

I’m taking lots of cough drops, lots of Puffs Plus and lots of water in case I go into another hacking craze.

hot hot water and a lot of crap

I hardly ever shower two days in a row. Unlike Mikelle, who showers every single day, and sometimes twice in one day. Unlike Tracy who can go a week with only one shower. But, today I need to shower. I’ve been sick. Sicker than a dog, although I don’t really know any sick dogs. I should say, sicker than Logan. I’m sicker than Logan was, last week, when I went to visit and he was coughing and blowing his nose.

Anyway, yesterday I tried to go to work and after three hours I gave up. I came home. I turned up the heat to 75 degrees. I heated two rice packs and snuggled up on the couch. I sweated [not a word] and slept for nearly seven hours. When I woke up my hair was sopping wet and my body was basically drenched. My face was bright red. But something had changed. My throat didn’t hurt anymore. I had moved on to the expelling stage of a bad cold. I was coughing up something that looked like [I'm sorry] curdled tapioca. I guess that’s progress.

Then, I watched TV for a couple hours and went to bed with the same two re-heated rice packs. This morning I wreak! I must have sweated [why isn't that a word?] all night. I need to shower. I need to wash the bedding. I need to fumigate the bedroom.

I thought, surely, I’d lost a couple of pounds. I’ll just slip downstairs and check. Nope! All that sweat didn’t weight one ounce. Still 151! And, I don’t even care! For crying out loud! Who really gives a crap? I’ve been typing away about my weight struggles for three years and I’ve came to the conclusion that no one gives a crap! Even me! I actually thought of changing my blog to “WHO GIVES A CRAP?” but was afraid of going into the settings and messing things up. [Sorry about overusing the word crap!] I mean, seriously, why would I even think that if I had lost a pound of sweat that it counted the same as a pound of fat!!! NO! I need to get a life!

Whatever!

Heading to the shower. I’m going to enjoy my day and be thankful for all the good things in my life. I’m going to mow, do laundry, clean my bedroom, get some groceries. I’m going to start on my lesson for next week and go to the Saturday session of Stake Conference.

drip

Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick.

I was in Logan last week and Logan [it's so confusing to have the two Logans] was coughing, sneezing, dripping, hurting.

Guess what!

It was contagious!

I’m miserable. My nose is so red! And, if I move my head a teensy bit, a bunch of runny snot drips on my shoes. Or, on my shirt on the way down to my shoes. I just sneezed six times in rapid succession. The last two scratched my throat so bad it made me want to cry. Or swear.

I’m mad, because I have five days off in a row and I’m sick.

But, I have to work on my lesson, anyway, so this will keep me home and in front of the computer. I don’t feel like going anywhere, so I’m just spending FIVE DAYS OFF at home!

Seriously? I should just go get a shot in the bummer. I know. I know. That just causes SuperBugs and I’d end up antibiotic resistant. No going there . . .

I’ll just spend FIVE DAYS OFF at home so no one else gets sick and I get my lesson done.

Awwwwwwshooooooooooooooooot!

Gesundheit

summer work

I cringe when Summer approaches. Not because it’s Summer. I love the weather, the sunshine, the no-school part of it. But, the Summer cleaning about does me in. Working all summer long in a hot building should never happen. But it’s happened exactly 23 times, for me. Then, of course, there’s the vacations, the scheduling, the traveling, the money, the cost of gas! It seems like I never quite get caught up. Even the yard work kills. And, the heat. All those things give me a headache.

Having said all that — I also love Summer. I love the extra hours of daylight. I love the smell of just-clipped grass. I love seeing children and grandchildren more often. I love visiting at reunions. I love going to the cemetery on Memorial Day and visiting with lots of people. I love the connections. I love the July 4th celebrations and Pioneer Days. I love Green River Lakes. I love the traditions my family is creating for all of us. I love the ‘feeling of’ laziness and easiness of Summer.

It’s my job I don’t look forward to each summer. Seriously, it’s dang hard work. I don’t like being in a room all day long with 6 other women. I don’t like being the one who has to goad them and keep them on task. I don’t like listening to all the chatter about EVERYTHING in the world. I don’t like the toxic fumes of all the chemicals we use to get things spic ‘n’ span for the next school year. I’ve actually given myself chemical pneumonia on occasion, and burned a gazillion brain cells using strippers and something-cides. One time I was putting some kind of just-terrible stuff [sorry, I couldn't think of a better word] on the commons floor to seal it and I couldn’t see for two days. That was one time I was terrified of the outcome. I read the label a few days later and it said “can cause blindness, cancer and brain death.”

Oh, my good gosh!!!!

No wonder.

So, every time I forget something, every time I can’t remember the most obvious detail that happened only four minutes before, even when I can’t concentrate or retain anything or figure out Word’s With Friends, I think back to that label and the fact that I have only a few million brains cells left to last the rest of my life.

I can hardly wait for the day when I can wake up [without an alarm clock], slowly, every single Summer-day morning and enjoy the anticipation of fresh air and sunshine and afternoon thunderstorms and napping and watching the Today Show all the way through and reading, and taking a morning walk. I can’t wait to eat a sit-down breakfast instead of hauling around my yogurt and raspberries on the top of my custodial cart. I could make a few phone calls to check in with the children and grandies. I could take a long bath. I could read morning scriptures.

Awww. Retirement. Four more years to the golden years. I’m so looking forward to that. So looking forward to my Golden Passport so that I can camp for half the price. So looking forward to discounts and closer parking. So looking forward to no summer-cleaning. So looking forward to not being in the same room with six other women!

tongue gone limp

It’s Monday. I just got home from work and took my new ‘drops.’

Um. They are supposed to lessen cravings and also make me feel satisfied.

I’ll tell you what really happened.

I am supposed to dilute one drop of the Ocotea in 3-4 drops of olive oil and capsulate it. And, I’m supposed to dilute 2 drops of the grapefruit oil in 3-4 drops of olive oil. Do you have any idea how dang hard it is to put little drops into a gel capsule and get it put back together without spilling any? DO you have any idea how much one little ounce of it costs? Like $40!!!!! Do you think I could waste any of it??? NOOOOO. So, I licked my fingers and now my tongue and the side of my lips are still numb!

Hello!!!!

That’s how it works!!!! I can’t eat because my tongue is hanging down and flopping around. And, my tongue couldn’t possibly taste anything anyway even if I could get it to behave normally! So I’m pretty sure I’ll be down a half a pound in the morning.

I can only pray this is the answer for me!

[Of course you know this is all said in fun with tongue [actually] in cheek, Yes?]

surely

Everything is back to normal. Kids are gone. Missing them already! I know I’ll miss their company and their adorable cuteness and all the hilarious things they say that entertain me. Back to work. Grass is growing and needs mowed. Basement needs an overhaul. Headaches are bothersome and getting a bit worrisome! Life moves forward. [But does it really? Cause I feel so dang stuck!] [Having the kids here for a week was such a nice distraction!]

Still wondering what is going on with my body that I am not losing weight.

Still wondering what I can/will do differently this week to get on a roll. Looking at the calendar, it is May 14! MAY 14TH, for crying out loud! What the heck is going on!!!!!! I have been talking about this 12-15 pounds for five months now! Surely, now that summer is nearly here, my body will kick into gear and my metabolism will change and I will be healthy and thin. [Um, well, thin anyway . . .]

I bought some new oils. Grapefruit drops that may or may not “help to control hunger when used as part of a healthy weight-management program.” Something called Ocotea, which is supposed to “help increase feelings of satiety and support my weight-management goals.” Also, multi-spectrum enzyme complex specially formulated to “enhance nutrient absorption by aiding the critically needed digestion of dietary fats, proteins, fiber, and carbohydrates.”

Surely those new things will make a huge difference in my life! For $108, surely they will make a difference. [You've heard that the diet industry is a 6 BILLION dollar a year industry? Well, people like me are the dummies that drive that number up every year.]

I also ordered some Candida Plus. Surely something is wrong with me that needs fixing! Surely if I get rid of all the yeast in my body I will lose weight.

Enough of that. Can I just accept that I’m going to weight 152 instead of 142 the rest of my life? I think they’ll still be able to carry my casket at that weight, even though I really want to weigh less when I die. Morbid!!! Hello!!!!

Maybe if I just eat less and move more I’ll get results.

Today, I’m getting back to the gym. I don’t think I’ve been there since mid-March.

Surely that’s the real problem here. Surely if I quit obsessing about this it will take care of itself. Or perhaps if I quit hating myself and start loving myself — extra weight and all — my life will be wonderful and enjoyable and peaceful and just dang OK! I don’t have to feel like I’ve let the entire world down just because I’m not in the weight range I’ve obsessed about for years.

Surely God still loves little cherubic me. Surely he isn’t going to give up on me just because I so easily give up on myself.

Surely I’m still worth being friends with. And, surely I can still type a post without having to beat myself up. We’ll see.

You know what! I’ve just totally [finally] worn myself right out with all this nonsense. Surely I will just give it a rest! How ridiculous this whole thing has been since January. I’m over it. I’m over myself and this petty self-absorbed concern about belly fat. That’s, after all, why they make mu-mus in the first place! I’m heading to Wal-Mart and getting myself a few flowered tent dresses to wear this summer. And not another word about 142.

barrell of laughs

Oh, my gosh! I am having so much fun with these two. I just keep finding myself laughing out loud! I guess I forgot how adorable they are especially when the two of them are together. Actually, Annes and Fish are the best of buds and they spend almost every waking moment within arm’s reach of each other. And, they are totally and completely devoted to one another.

We have gone swimming every single evening and they are the hit of the entire aquatic complex. They have these irresistible personalities that seem to attract attention from all sides. Fisher’s hair invites almost everyone who passes by to comment on what a beautiful color it is. He usually clarifies that it isn’t red hair, it’s actually ‘orange-reddish’ hair. He got it from his Papa’s side of the family. Although there is a great, great grandma on the other side, too who had red locks. He is so helpful with Annesley. He buckles her up and he lifts her to the drinking fountain. He reminds her about cars and gets her breakfast ready. He pushes her on the front of the shopping cart. He lets her be the queen whenever they pretend. He doesn’t let anyone pick on her. He even tracked down the wise-guy who stole her swimming goggles so I could get them back for her.

They get to come to work with me and help with the commons area. They pick dead leaves out of the planters. They sweep and mop. They help with the garbage. Fisher put the trash can liners in all the receptacles. They both helped in the PAC. I found $12, which they split. Annes got the two ones and Fisher got the $10. They played kick ball in the gym for about an hour. They also get to eat school lunch with me. I mean, what could possibly be better than chicken tenders, french fries, Jello blox, strawberries and chocolate milk every day of the week? Later, when Annesly was thirsty she got a drink. Our principal came over to me and said, “Boy, she is resourceful. She was thirsty so she looked around and slid a chair over to the fountain and got a drink.” Annesly heard him say ‘resourceful’ and said, “That’s because we’re home-schooled!”

Annesly is so, so darling! We went to Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon and I told them they could pick out one thing, each. Fisher got a new bug box and Annes got a butterfly net so that they could share their treasures. We saw a couple of friends and everyone we visited with made a huge fuss over the kids. Jan Barns — who is a favorite Mom of a favorite high school friend of Tracy’s — said, “Oh, my gosh, she looks exactly like Tracy.” Fisher said, [with eyes a-rolling and his head dramatically thrown back] “Everyone keeps saying that!” And Annesly, not skipping a beat and just as dramatic, says, “I’m extremely shy!” [very loudly and not shy at all. Oh, wait, she did throw her little arm over her eyes and acted shy for a second.]

We got rainbow sherbet and waffle cones for a treat. Grampa Leonard keeps giving them candy. We have gone to the park and the pool and shopping a couple of times. They have jumped on the tramp and swung and played with the dogs and cat. They have watched a gazillion movies. Last night Grampa gave them some money for swimming and Annes told me, “He told me that we are his very favorite grandchildren! That’s why he keeps doing things for us!”

Fisher: “I don’t doubt that!”

I laughed my head of again! I’m not sure where he got that phrase but it seems to keep coming in handy.

Thank you Tracy and Richard for letting me have this wonderful opportunity! I don’t see these kids near enough so anytime you want to go to a workshop and leave them for a week, please do!!!!!

May 7th

It’s Tracy’s Birthday!

[Yes, this worked out amazingly well! It's post number 777 for Tracy's birthday on the 7th! No, I'm not into numerology and I'm not superstitious. I'm just very, very lucky! She was born on the 7th, at 7:00 and weight exactly 7 pounds. I was in labor for 7 hours and then in delivery for 7 minutes. NO, I didn't push 7 times. I pushed three times, and that has nothing to do with anything.]

Hey, Trace! I hope you have a wonderful day. And, a great year! This year has been quite the overwhelming and emotional and traumatic and unexpectedly surprising year you’ve had for a while. And, I’m not sure how, other than by the Grace from above, we all actually survived it. Especially YOU! All I can tell you is that my faith has doubled and my admiration and adoration has tripled! You are such a wonderful blessing in my life, and in many, many other’s lives. I see it from afar, every single day. I see you guys laughing and crying together. I see you lean on each other for support and for comfort. I see you all celebrating and commiserating. I see your families blending and learning from one another.

I hope this coming year holds more surprises and more increased faith. But, perhaps, nothing more to do with health and bodies and bones and estrogen. Perhaps it can just be a wonderful genealogy and temple-work year.

Happy Happy Birthday to YOU!

I love and adore you so much!

Love, Mommer

this is a filler

And maybe you’ll figure it out. Maybe not. It’s certainly not consequential if you don’t.