mother/daughter conversation

This, after my last post about living the same day over and over. It was my own little Ground Hog Day. Only I would call it Big Fat Hog Day!

Tracy:  Buck up!

Me:  That’s easy for you to say.

Tracy:  I don’t think it’s easy for me to say. Not at all. But it is what you would say to me.

Me:  I would say snap out of it!!!!!

Me again:  It’s all, at the moment, a moot point because I DID buck up and I DID snap out of it! I was 150 the other day and just about screamed myself to death! But, I’ve been down a pound each day and I’ve been exercising, so there yah go. 147. I’m going to get where I want to be. And, I didn’t buy any clothes for myself while I was in Logan last weekend because I refuse to reward bad behavior! Hopefully, I’ll get another 30% off coupon from Kohl’s sometime when I finally weight 142 or so. THEN I’ll buy something. Till then, I’ve got money in the bank!

Me:  Hey, I just joined the gym! [So much for money in the bank . . .]

Tracy:  WHAT?

Me:  Yup!

Tracy:  When did all this happen?

Me:  Today! I talked to Clint this morning when he was at the HS with the swim team running laps and I asked him how much it was.

Tracy:  And?

Me: $300 a year!

Tracy: You could do it for free at the HS!

Me: I could but I won’t. I know, because I could have and I didn’t!

Me, again: I went in this morning when I was on the mail/freight/supply run and saw that it was actually only $175 for a Senior! YAY! I am a Senior!!!!! I plopped down my $175 [plus a $20 key deposit] and skipped merrily to my car!

After work I ran home and changed into some simply horrifying clothes — old sweats I haven’t worn for five years — and went to the gym!

My first day as an official card-holding contracted Bradshaw Fitness gym member!

-I walked/ran on the treadmill for 5 minutes
-I did the elliptical for 5 minutes
-I rode the bike for 5 minutes, then found the remote so I decided to also
-Walk/run on the treadmill for another 5 minutes.

And, according to all the little LTD lights and bells and whistles I actually burned off approximately 70 calories!

Woo-double-hoo!

[A little less than the three Kashi Peanuty Dark Chocolate Layered Granola Bars I ate on the way to the gym. But who's counting?]

[Umm, yah. They're 130 each!]

ugh

Wow. I’d really like to say it’s a new day [a new way . . .] but I feel like it’s the same old day I’ve been living for about a month!

choc full

Chocolate is a lie.

It’s a big fat conspiratorial consumer  lie.

There are actually people who make money off this huge lie. They tell you that a little bit of dark chocolate is actually good for you. So you go to Wal-Mart and read all the chocolate labels in the ‘healthy’ chocolate area, which is right next to the unhealthy chocolate. So you end up drooling all over the place . . . Then you make a decision based on that lie. Hey, this chocolate is actually going to make me feel good about myself. It is going to create some endorphins and help me feel wonderful. On the way home I try it out. I eat the three pieces, which equals one serving, which equals 180 calories. Oh, what the heck by the Kemmerer junction I think I’ll just have myself one more serving. By the first sister, I’m on serving #3 and by the Bigelow Bench I’ve finished off the first giant size ‘healthy’ Special dark chocolate bar.

And when I say bar, I surely mean

BAR!

Wow! And I  bought three of the suckers. They were supposed to last 15 days!

[And by the way, if a serving size is three pieces, why the heck do they have FOUR pieces stuck together in a row?]

try cycle, no not tricycle. 2 different things there. . .

W.O.W.

I’ve been avoiding this. Maybe you can tell.

I’m afraid to write. Afraid of what will come out of my mouth.

I’m afraid to weight. Afraid of what the scale will say.

I’m avoiding talking, seeing, interacting with people. And you can probably guess why. You could probably put two and two together and write this yourself. Because I’m so dang predictable. I’ve been doing this my whole life. My whole dang entire life!

I live in a cycle.

• Recommit for the umpteenth time
• Fail several times in this recommitment
• Slowly get my act together
• Slowly start to take care of my body and my health
• Start to see the possibilities
• Start to see results
• Feel wonderful
• Feel amazing
• Start to spout off all sorts of wisdom about health and weight
• Start to be prideful
• Start to be careless
• Mess up a little
• Mess up more
• Mess up every single day
• Mess up eleventeen times every single day
• Get down on myself
• Get depressed
• Get down on everyone else
• Eat like there’s no tomorrow
• Gain
• Gain
• Gain
• Hit rock bottom
• Avoid everyone
• Avoid blogging
• Recommit for the umpteenth +one time

Should I feel encouraged? I notice I’m nearing the bottom of the cycle. Maybe there’s hope right around the corner . . .

I’m way [weigh] up! 147 this morning OK, I’m lying. 148. OK, OK. 148.5 There are you happy?

w.o.r.k.

Christmas is over. WHEW! For all the hoopla and gifting and visiting and singing and believing, I am grateful. For all the food and sharing and seeing and playing and hugging, I am grateful. For all of the love and adoration and appreciating and warmth and peace, I am grateful.

But, I am equally grateful when it is over. Done. It’s so dang much work!

I’m not sure it’s supposed to be.

Just thinking of all the work Tracy and her family did in order to have us visit them is overwhelming. I still feel a little sick that they had to go to SO much effort to host us for five days. And we undid their work quite quickly. I hope the wonderful memories will balance out the tasks.

I’m thinking back to all the Christmases my mother had. We all converged on her home, staking out our bedrooms and areas. We chose chairs and accomplices and games. We chose foods and moods. We chose to hold on or let go. Hold on to the past or let go and live right now. We chose to love right now. We chose to follow Grams example of l.o.v.i.n.g. even though things were never perfect. We got to share all those Christmases with her because of a choice she made years earlier.*

And, my mother seemed to sail right through it all. I don’t know how that happens. I don’t know how she did it!

[I think, as an adult, the oldest adult there this Christmas, I noticed all the work and the emotions and the effort and the meal planning and the cleaning up. It's just a whole lot of w.o.r.k!]

I hope it was worth it. I hope there were warm memories made. I hope love swelled and friendships were cemented. I hope special ties were bound. I hope hurting hearts were healed. I hope commitments were recommitted. This is what comes from  family get-togethers — so it ultimately is worth all the work that goes into it!

:: I love my family ::

I love my children and grandchildren. They are the most important people to me. I love Camille and Tammy. I adore them all. I want happiness and peace and love for each of them. I wish I could take each struggle and fix it. Or each hurt and kiss it away. I wish I could take each challenge and make it not challenging. [Like it seems my mother did for all of us.]

But, since reality is reality, I’ll just say this:

“Our testimonies fortify us and strengthen us as we face challenges in our daily lives. Some people struggle with difficult health problems; some experience financial problems; others have challenges in their marriage or with their children; some suffer from loneliness or unfulfilled hopes and dreams. It is our testimony, combined with our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and our knowledge of the plan of salvation, which helps to get us through these times of trial and hardship.

A story is told of a woman who survived numerous challenges and heart-breaking struggles. Later, when asked how she was able to “keep a testimony during all those trials,” she replied in effect, “I didn’t keep a testimony through those times—the testimony kept me.” – Barbara Thompson, Oct. 2011.

My hope is that each one of you will make a purposeful effort to build and keep your testimony. Build! It takes effort. It takes time and prayer and faith and reading the scriptures and study. It takes all of these things. We have, each of us, witnessed various levels of testimony, commitment and heart-break. We must, each of us, protect, strengthen and build what we have and keep it safe.

My heart is wrenched for those who try to find a way without the use of testimony. For those who look for answers without considering God’s answers. For those who give up what they [must surely] want most for what they [think they] want right now.

Been there, made all those mistakes for myself, and can now with specific personal experience say, h.o.l.d. t.o. t.h.e. r.o.d.

When I was young, I always thought that was a dumb saying. Now I KNOW it’s not. Hold on! Hold on to what Gramma taught us. Hold on to the example Grampa taught us. Hold on, damn it! Don’t you dare trade that for this!

*You may not know this but I remember the day my mother and father talked about getting divorced. I remember the discussions and tears and sobbing out loud. And, I remember that after weeks and weeks of deciding, they decided not to. I remember that they decided to put their own hurt and their own loneliness and their own disappointments aside. They put their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams aside! And, they trusted in the Lord to make up the difference. And He did. For this, I am eternally grateful!

I know their personal testimonies kept them.

I may not have a perfect house, a perfect marriage, a perfect job, a perfect life, a perfect love, a perfect dream. But, I have a testimony that I cherish and has kept me. Has carried me. Has lifted me. Has helped me to endure things I couldn’t by myself.

And, that’s enough! I am far from miserable! I feel peace. I feel happiness. I feel contentment. I feel love. I feel J.O.Y! Actual joy in the midst of what some might think is misery.

And, for any who may have jumped to that conclusion, let me say I’d rather be here, right now, in this set of circumstances than anywhere else.

For all the work that goes into Christmas — a short lived event — it is certainly, also, worth all the work that life takes. All the work that living takes. All the work that family takes. All the work that a testimony requires.

Then work and watch and fight and pray
With all your might and zeal.
Push ev’ry worthy work along;
Put your shoulder to the wheel.

Please know that it is worth it.

drat!

I am one fat mama!

r.e.a.s.o.n.

I am on the Christmas program tomorrow. I’ve thought about it for a couple of weeks. I know exactly why the bishop asked me. He had been trying to get me to speak in Sacrament for the past — well several — months. Since July! Every single month a member of the bishopric asked me to speak, and I just have to say, I travel a lot! Every time they had a plan, I was out of town. [I love to speak in Sacrament and would have gladly done so if I were here!]

So at tithing settlement the other week, Bishop asked if I would be here on Christmas. I said YES! — thinking I would be able to study and prepare a great Christmas talk. But I found out we are having just the Church-wide one-hour Sacrament and all he wanted me to do was to pick out a Christmas song, tell why I picked it and then sit down and sing it with the congregation. Uggh. That’s not nearly what I’d like to do.

But here’s the problem. I looked through all the Christmas songs starting on page 201 and going to page 214. I read through them. I listened to the tunes in my head. I heard my mother singing them. I was filled with warm memories and good feelings. But, a different song kept coming to my mind. Our Savior’s Love. On page 113! Not in the group of Christmas Songs. Not the norm. Certainly not what people will have in mind. But, I feel like it’s the song I want to pick and sing.

It’s so simple, really. It’s so logical. It’s so right. It’s so the r.e.a.s.o.n!

Our Savior’s love shines like the sun with perfect light, as from above. It breaks thru clouds of strife, lighting our way. It leads us back into his sight, where we may stay to share eternal life.

The Spirit, voice of goodness, whispers to our hearts a better choice than evil’s anguished cries. Loud may the sound of hope ring till all doubt departs, and we are bound to him by loving ties.

Our Father, God of all creation, hear us pray in rev’rence, awed by thy Son’s sacrifice. Praises we sing! We love thy law; we will obey our heav’nly King! In Thee our hearts rejoice!

Don’t anybody try to tell me that’s not a Christmas song!!!

It’s sums up why we’re here. It sums up who we are and who He is. It sums up what He does for us. It sums up in nine short sentences the plan of happiness.

Yah, it’s a Christmas song! [But I'm hoping I don't feel like a fool saying so in front of my ward . . .]

[very] random thoughts

I’ve been up for a while. Thinking. I actually woke up the first time around 5 but snookered down and tried to have another dream. I kept hearing Jack meowing for something to eat and drink. Dumb cat. [If I had a nickel for every time I've said that lately . . .] I thought about getting up and reading some of my book, Hunted, by Clair Poulson, or putting in the CD and listening [and reading] the next couple of chapters in the Book of Mormon. I thought about starting the jeans batch but I know it will wake up Mikelle and Logan who are sleeping right above the washer and dryer. I thought about posting but couldn’t get my mind around it.

My thoughts are so random lately. I have a hard time even thinking through an entire paragraph.

::

One thing I do want to say, though, even though I could never write a whole post about it is this.  Tracy has graciously let us go to her house the week after Christmas. We, basically, invited ourselves. So, of course, that is a huge sacrifice for her and her family. They have been cleaning all week long. All day long every single day. It breaks my heart that, because we are going to her house, she has had to change her whole schedule and spend hours and days cleaning to make room for us. And, the thing that broke my heart most of all is that yesterday she said, “I’ve done my best and spent every waking hour on this project, but I just want you to know it’s not going to be perfect. It’s not going to be like Mikelle’s house.”

Oh, my goodness!

Tracy, if you are reading this, please know that I want to see you and your children and your husband and play Rook, and laugh and eat and just spend time with you! YOU! Not your closet or Blythe’s room or your laundry room. And, although I do it all the time, we all know it’s not good to compare. We always, and in this case as well, compare their best with our not-so-best.

So, stop that. Right this minute! You’ve seen my basement!

::

I’ve had Mikelle and Logan here since Monday. They were here last week Friday through Wednesday too. It’s hard having two adult women in the same house! We sometimes snap at each other and that doesn’t feel good. I enjoy quiet time and ‘my shows’ and having things a certain way. I like being able to walk through the house in my garms and not have to think too much. I like easy meals and hardly any clean up. I like going to bed early and getting up before dawn. All those things change when there is another family in the house. Someone tell me how the Pioneers did it!

Mikelle likes to cook and clean and sweet and vacuum twice a day. She likes to work out  – hard. She likes to have things perfect. She likes to sleep in until 10 and stay up past midnight. She is relaxed about things I’m up tight about and vice versa. She is a good person and a great cook. I am finding out I hardly know her! She’s grown up so much in the last three years! She keeps surprising me!!!

::

I don’t understand this. How can I eat healthy — SUPER healthy all day long — and then a half hour before bed eat a bowl of ice cream with bananas on top and then two slices of poppy seed bread on the way downstairs to bed. I am so sinking sick of myself! I no longer fit into any of my clothes!

::

I’m territorial!

::

Speaking of Pioneers, you do realize they passed this place by. Right? It’s kind of miserable here. Lots of wind and cold and snow and sage brush. It’s hard to grow anything and the summers are short. There’s alkali everywhere. I always wonder why people move here. I live here because I have roots here. And family — and hubby has family. I live here because I could never sell this house. I live here because I don’t like traffic or too many people. I live here because I’m stuck here. But, seriously, why would anyone move here? I hope people who are considering it, think that through.

I should just quit worrying about that!

::

See, I told you I could not think through an entire paragraph. I told you I’m completely random lately. I told you I should have just read my book.

hey, good looking

Brother Sister party, 12/3/11
So good to get together and spend some time. We don’t do enough of it anymore!

3 and counting

I’ve exercised three days in a row! And I haven’t seen one bit of difference. Other than that teensy feeling of being mildly energized. Well, that’s something, and I know the benefits will come. But, I want instant! Instant results. Instant euphoria. Instant endorphins. Instant fat-loss. Instant praise and gratification. Instant something.

But, no. That will come after three weeks of exercising. Not three days!

I know that!!!!

I’m just sayin!

I could use some ‘atta-girls’ along with a little pat on the back.