4
Feb

lawyer, finally

I’m finally seeing a lawyer. I’ve put this off for years. There were so many times back in the 90’s the 2000’s and even ten years ago. There were times in 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, that I was sure things were going to end. I’ve finally had waaay too much of a really sick, destructive, cyclical, abusive, depressing, life-shattering relationship.

On a daily basis I reasoned things weren’t really “that bad.” I’d go to work early, working anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. I have a job with a little responsibility . . head custodian. I make decisions and direct people. I work lots of 10 and 12-hour days. I’d come home, watch a little TV, talk to my kids, and go to bed. I enjoyed and fulfilled my church callings, went to the temple, talked to friends and co-workers, interacted with others in a friendly and professional way. I enjoyed camping with family. I love playing games and reading and learning. I enjoyed life away from Leonard. Everything else that was going on, I could ignore, or wish away. Or look the other way. Because I had so many other good things in my life. But every year as Thanksgiving approached, I knew life was going to be rough for several months. Holidays, ugh. Christmas, a nightmare. Tax season… even worse than a nightmare. Then property taxes and insurance were due, another emotional onslaught. Every time I had to actually interact and discuss anything important, things got out of control and I was filled with dread and overwhelm.

Never mind the phone sex, pornography, two-year meth binge, prostitutes and other women, the girlfriend in Montana, the one in California that he has gone to visit several times but lied and said he was either going to Washington or hunting, the arrest in California, the years of him in a drug-induced stupor, and now the smoking in the house — smoking both cigarettes and heroin. The drug bust last Monday night by the Department of Criminal Investigation.

I was actually a little wishy-washy about this whole thing all week long. I kept doubting myself and thinking it could actually get worse in a courtroom. And then I got a text.

Can I get justins number lost my phone yesterday

Will u call him bave him call me

Yes no

Who is this? And Justin who?

Leonard dci justin lost my phone at work

Alright

Got his number

Alright what you calling or getting the number

You asked me to have him call you . . I sent a text to have him call you. I have no idea if he works today.

Can u text me his number

No. You can call Dispatch and ask them to give him a message. I don’t give out people’s private numbers. 307-782-7432

Am supossed to call bim every day

What ever same ol

That will give him a better idea

I couldn’t believe he could turn a text into a “proof that the reason ‘he is the way he is’ is because of something I said or did.” This phone text will apparently prove to Justin, a DCI guy who just had the choice to either arrest him for possession or trade an arrest for the name of his heroin dealer, that suddenly it will come on like a light-bulb for Justin — that the reason Leonard is addicted to porn, alcohol, women, sex, meth, prescription drugs, pain killers, lies, spending, power, heroin — is because I do things like not give out a phone number of someone who didn’t tell me it was OK to give out his phone number.

Really.

I’ve been working on a ‘timeline’ of all some of the things that have happened in the last thirty years that might be reasons why I want out. Things I had forgotten or blocked out. Things that should have been red flags. Things that no one in their right mind would have said, oh, it’s not that bad. Things could be worse. When it’s written out in a list . . it’s enough.

A week at SAFV with two small children
A restraining order
Broken doors
Fists through doors
Throwing the baby at the headboard
Yelling, screaming, intimidating, threatening
Insults
What he did to Cameron
Coming home drunk
Driving drunk
6-7 DUIs
Jail time
Not paying bills
Lying about going to Don’s
Lying about not going to California
Lying about his girlfriends
Lying about his porn
Lying about meth
Going through his entire retirement in a couple of years
Blaming me for all his problems
Screaming about the lawn mower
What he did with the pump last summer
Screaming about going to Evanston
Slicing a knife through the air at Logan
Showing up and hour late and stoned with his eyes rolling back in his head
Backing into my car and blaming me
Telling me I need to learn how to shoot a gun to protect myself

Believe me. It’s a partial list. But writing it down helps me to see that this is huge, that things are not going to get better, and that this really is reason to file for divorce.

Dr. Laura says divorce should never be taken lightly. But there are four As that should be a consideration for divorce. Alcohol, Abuse, Addiction, Abandonment. Alrighty. I’ve got four out of four going on right here. So I need to recognize this train wreck and do what it takes to get away from this deplorable situation.

Step one, tomorrow.

18
Jan

ugly breakdown, gee another one

I’m frustrated for sooooo many reasons. But I just paid for two more years with Go Daddy, so I thought I’d try to write more as a type of therapy. I’ve given up on a decent, meaningful, inspiring legacy. I’ve given up on a nice little family history for the generations to come . . . because my life is a total mess and I cringe to think that anyone would ever read it. But, it’s good for me to process through writing.

Last week I had a little ugly breakdown and yelled at my two wonderful, amazing, super-supporting and understanding daughters. Why? I don’t know why I would ever take out on them my dark-hole of emotions and actually not do anything to the one person who deserves all kinds of retaliation and broken bones, and bloody extremities. Oh, the time I have spent praying and pleading for a bloody and final outcome. Doesn’t happen that way, though. It seems like the only person that actually suffers and has a king size duodenal ulcer to deal with ever single day is moi. Justice is not going to happen in this life.

 

30
Dec

trust & faith

I barely remember how to do this. It’s been so long. Everyday when I sit at my computer I remember Andie’s words, “Grammar, you don’t have to just write about your health and weight.” And now I’m worried people will say, “Dorothy, you don’t have to just write about your totally craptastic marriage to a lying cheating moronic man.” [edited . . believe me, I took a lot out of that last sentence!]

But to put it bluntly, life has been hell for over three years.

I put this in my ward bulletin for tomorrow.

I have learned that Faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.

I am hanging on to my faith with all I’ve got. And then a tsunami of doubt comes and I wonder if I have any faith at all. I’m so totally filled with hate and anger and resentment and ill will and doubt. I pendulum back to this quote:


DOUBT YOUR DOUBT BEFORE YOU DOUBT YOUR FAITH!

There’s one more temple day in 2017 and that’s today. So I’m trusting my trust, having faith in my faith and heading there this morning.