25
Nov

november 8

I’m divorced.

It was a quiet day. I visited with my attorney for an hour. She explained what would likely happen in court, both if Leonard showed up and if he didn’t. She said that if he showed up, the judge would schedule a half-day in January or February. But, if Leonard didn’t bother to show up, the judge would sign the papers right then.

He didn’t bother.

At the time, I thought, is that all there is to it? We chat for 3-4 minutes? The judge asks if I have anything to say? I don’t? He signs? It was a bit surreal. Almost like a slow-motion dream. I remember thinking, never mind Heavenly Father . . . I don’t need your help after all. It was like the story of the guy in a precarious position in a tree who prayed for help and then when things turned out OK for him, he said, never mind, God.

And, then I had a big moment when I realized and acknowledged that Heavenly Father had actually taken care of all the detail the last several years. He comforted me. He guided me. He prompted me. He protected me. He encouraged me. He soothed me. He put people on my path. He inspired me.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over, but one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

There are still circumstances that need to be worked through. Leonard owes me almost $20,000. He still needs to come and get his things. The protection order is still in force until February, so he will need to have law enforcement with him. He will make things miserable. He will blame. He will deny. He will minimize. He will justify.

But, four years of meth, heroin, oxy, prostitutes, lies, alcohol, deception, money disappearing, locked doors, sneaking, girlfriends, texts, pornography . . . all over. I don’t have to live with any of this. This darkness. This disgust. This ugly.

I cringe when I think of 32 years of my life gone. I force myself to look at it differently because, it’s too painful to dwell on. I beat myself up when I think too long and hard about what I’ve made of life. Or, rather, what I haven’t made of life.

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven

I listened to this the other day and although it is obviously a song from Mary to the Lord, I identified with some of the phrases.

Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

I feel broken and alone and cold as a stone on many a day. But, I have hope and faith and a testimony that I am visible to God and his Son, and that I am fixable.

I am fixable.

 

28
Oct

sweet home

People keep asking me what I’m doing now that I’m retired.
Hey, how’s retirement?
What do you do all day?
How’s it going now that you’re not working?
Are you bored?
Are you going to sub for the school?
You better keep busy! No sitting in a rocking chair all day!

I’m not sure they really want to hear the answer . . it’s  more of just a routine hello, how ya doing kind of comment.

Admittedly I have had some days that I was a little worried because it can be boring if I’m not careful.

I have been going to the gym 3-4 times a week.
I pray.
I read the Book of Mormon [President Nelson’s challenge to  read before the end of the year.]
I go to Ogden about 3x a month — Temple and other reasons.
I work on the computer. I love producing the ward bulletin each week.
I go to Institute class on Tuesdays which means I study extensively on Mondays.
I’ve been doing a Betrayal Trauma course online.
I play brain-builder games.
I do laundry and dishes occasionally.
I read. Currently Charles Martin
I help Mikelle with the kiddos.
I go to high school games.
I watch TV.

I was working in the yard 3-4 times a week until it turned cooler. I would like to have one more really warm day to go out and mow up all the leaves all over the yard. That way I can start out fresh next spring. I have loved all the outside work this past summer.

I have loved having this time to myself. Everyday in my prayers I thank Heavenly Father for peace, comfort, quiet, calm, clean air to breath, assurance. It’s been wonderfully relaxing and strengthening and whole. It’s been refreshing, rejuvenating and refilling.

Last weekend Easton was baptized and lots from Logan’s family stayed at Mikelle’s house and Tracy and her family stayed at my house. It was the first time in years, years, that anyone stayed here. I loved every single minute of having company! People haven’t felt welcome. People couldn’t stay here because of the smoke. People couldn’t stay here because of the vibe. And now they can!

I worked most of my life for 52 years and now I am enjoying not getting up at 4:20 and heading out, rain or shine. I’m enjoying not cleaning restrooms and the commons after lunch. I’m enjoying not dealing with student’s. I’m enjoying not shoveling snow and raking up endless piles of leaves around the entrances. I’m enjoying not dealing with two of the employees who constantly had concerns about one another. I’m enjoying not walking on cement floors for 9-hour days. I’m enjoying not setting up for games and events. I’m enjoying not working the craft fair or tournaments or pee-wee wrestling. I’m enjoying not listening to someone who asked the most annoying , intrusive and inappropriate questions. I’m enjoying not cleaning the FACS room with chicken parts down the disposal and piles of junk in every possible spot. I’m enjoying NOT.

I got to go to Oregon for a wonderful event that honored Tracy.

I got to go to Mexico for stem cells and the Tijuana Temple.

I got to ride my bike 3-4 times a week in the early morning sunshine.

So, when people ask Hey, how’s retirement . . I just say . . Good!

13
Aug

grl 2018

I wish I had pictures! I wish I had a camera. But I don’t. Maybe someone will send me some pictures and I’ll add them later. What a fun couple of weeks!

Scott and I went up on July 25 and got a couple of great spots. He was in 30 and I had 31. I’ve always wanted to camp there because it has a huge boulder for kids to climb on and once in a while it has water in the stream bed to keep my chocolate milk cold. We got settled pretty quickly and had a good two days before others joined us. We ate together, read together and kayaked. He built a fire, which added to the ambiance and later went fishing down the road while I stayed in camp.

Oh wait . . did I say we got settled pretty quickly? Because I can’t really say it here… but it took a while to get a brand new tent up. Little bit of a slow learning curve on that one! It turned out to be a great tent with tons of room, tons of cool features, and tons of potential. Next year we’re going to put it up facing the correct direction and maybe get another floor for the outer card-playing room.

Diane came on Thursday the 26th. I saw her drive by and then didn’t see her until much later in the evening when we were walking around the campground. We got there just as she was finishing her set-up, and helped with her shade shelter and tarp. I worried about Diane being alone, but she seemed to fill each day with activities and reading.

Mikelle and Logan got there next [on the 27th] and they were in one of our all-time favorite spots, 29. It has the big stream running through it and lots of fun places to explore and play. They got their levitat up and two tents, a shade shelter, a card playing area with a shelter, and their two four-wheelers unpacked. Wait . . there’s more. They had bikes, stoves, kayaks [so grateful they hauled mine up!] a double stroller, 25 totes full of camping gear, clothes, food, etc. Holy smack ETC! Tracy and Richard pulled in later that evening and camped right next-door to them in 27, which is where I have camped 5-6 times in the last ten years. It’s where I broke my leg a few years back . . lot’s of scary memories for me each time I tried to navigate the slippery log between camp sites. They also brought ‘everything-camping’ with kayaks, totes, tents, shelters, stove, bikes, trailer, mattress, ETC, as well! I can’t imagine the job of packing, unpacking and packing and unpacking for those two families!

Other campers this year:
Spencer, then later, LaVar and Sandi
Stephen, Santina and Jax
Carol, Mike, then later, Jake, Beth and Lucy
Tami, Jaxon, Teryn, Jared and Taz, then later, John and Lila
Caleb, and girl Spencer [lol]
Paul and his family
George and Tammy
Sherri and one son
Mel and Renita visited two days

It was a whole lot of Smiths!

We went up on the Moose Gypsum road clear to the top and saw the Continental Divide, Wilderness Parking area near the campground, and most of the mountains around. It was a 4.5-5 hour trip on four-wheelers and ATV’s. I think there were about 6-7 vehicles and 15 of us. Lots of other people up there on the mountain with their own ATVs, as well. It definitely isn’t a place you could take a four-wheel truck very easily. It was a fun day and beautiful breath-taking scenery. When I got back off the mountain and looked up at it from the lower perspective, I was amazing that we went so far, that it was soooo high and that it looked like a sheer cliff drop-off from Wilderness Parking.

Highlights of the two weeks are:
Lots of Rook, Canasta, baseball, and Tami’s 9-square game
Lots of hiking up to the Natural Bridge, the upper lake
Walking around the campsite every morning [for exercise]
Fun at the bridge, lots of people jumping in
A couple of trips across the lake to “the rock”
“Bathroom rocks,” favorite place for kids 12 and under
Lots of rides on the four-wheelers
I read three books, Scott read four!
Two trips to Pinedale for various things
A couple of deer, four otters, tons of osprey, lol!
A couple of kayak trips down the river
Fishing almost every single day
Soooo much food and so many gourmet meals. Seriously!

It costs a lot of money, it is so much work to get ready and pack, and then the dirt road was the worse possible! [I might say that every year, but really . .] and then unpacking takes me 3-4 days . . but it is such a wonderful time and wonderful memories and wonderful experience seeing grandkiddos form life-long friendships . . it’s all worth it.

I loved forming some new habits of prayer twice a day, meditating, taking lots of prayer pauses, reading scriptures, thinking over life and it’s lessons, and soaking in the mountains. GRL truly is soul-drenching for me. It’s full of tradition, memories, peace, comfort, strength, family, letting-go, and rejuvenation.

Ahh, until next July!