Yesterday was good. I felt in control all day long. It helped to make a list; it helped to check it off. I felt connected to myself and my goals more than when I just let eating ‘happen’ to me. So, learn this lesson: plan ahead, be aware of what I want and where my eating will take me — either to success and feeling fantastic, or to sugar and junk food hell.
Let me record how junk food hell feels so that I can re-read this when the urge arises.
First I start to talk to myself [usually in front of the TV and I’m bored or feeling sorry for myself or tired] and say I ‘deserve’ to eat something. I re-hash what is in the fridge and cupboards and start to think what might not be ‘too bad,’ but would still be a reward for doing well all day. I go to the kitchen [actually kicking and screaming in my mind saying, “No, don’t do it, you will be sorry, you don’t want to do this to yourself again, don’t do it!”] Then I peruse the contents of the kitchen and decide to eat a hunk of cheese — that’s pretty healthy, right? But I cut off a chunck the size of a deck of jumbo playing cards like my grandpa used because he was practically blind. That triggers some kind of eating marathon in which I go for anything on top of the fridge that hubby buys for lunches. It might be donuts, pastries, chips, Ho-Hos. Then I think to myself, “Well I’ve totally blown it, I might as well eat some more,” [that’s only logical, right?] and I open the fridge and eat a half gallon of stale and freezer-burned ice cream. At this point I really don’t care what I eat or whether it actually tastes good or if I even like it. I usually end the evening with a huge bowl of popcorn and feel sick and frustrated and angry at myself and gassy and miserable.
But wait! There’s more! In the morning I look like I crossed the Atlantic in the baggage department of a jumbo airline. I’m literally battered. My face is bloated, bags under the eyes, puffy, blotchy red skin. That’s not all. I usually carry about a tablespoon of fluid in both of my eyelids, so they hang down over my eyes like a blood hound. I have heart burn, really smelly gas, and I’m dragging like I had a hangover. Within a short time I’m ready to eat sugared cereal and start the whole circus again.
So why can’t I remember all of this when I head for the kitchen and stop this ugly, defeating pattern? [I know I am lying to myself, because I DO remember. I go to the kitchen kicking and screaming at myself in my mind.]
GOAL FOR TODAY: Learn from the experience of yesterday. Make another list and stick to it. Keep all my healthy goals in front of me. Remember how I will feel when I reach goal weight in a few weeks. Remember how I will look when I’m totally buff healthy and hot looking OK at my class reunion next month. Remember how cute those size 10 pants are that I just gave to Tracy. Remember how good it feels to hear my stomach growl at night and I’m able to say “Hey little stomach, that’s a good sign, go burn off some fat if you want something.”