junk food hell

Yesterday was good. I felt in control all day long. It helped to make a list; it helped to check it off. I felt connected to myself and my goals more than when I just let eating ‘happen’ to me. So, learn this lesson: plan ahead, be aware of what I want and where my eating will take me — either to success and feeling fantastic, or to sugar and junk food hell.

Let me record how junk food hell feels so that I can re-read this when the urge arises.

First I start to talk to myself [usually in front of the TV and I’m bored or feeling sorry for myself or tired] and say I ‘deserve’ to eat something. I re-hash what is in the fridge and cupboards and start to think what might not be ‘too bad,’ but would still be a reward for doing well all day. I go to the kitchen [actually kicking and screaming in my mind saying, “No, don’t do it, you will be sorry, you don’t want to do this to yourself again, don’t do it!”] Then I peruse the contents of the kitchen and decide to eat a hunk of cheese — that’s pretty healthy, right? But I cut off a chunck the size of a deck of jumbo playing cards like my grandpa used because he was practically blind. That triggers some kind of eating marathon in which I go for anything on top of the fridge that hubby buys for lunches. It might be donuts, pastries, chips, Ho-Hos. Then I think to myself, “Well I’ve totally blown it, I might as well eat some more,” [that’s only logical, right?] and I open the fridge and eat a half gallon of stale and freezer-burned ice cream. At this point I really don’t care what I eat or whether it actually tastes good or if I even like it. I usually end the evening with a huge bowl of popcorn and feel sick and frustrated and angry at myself and gassy and miserable.

But wait! There’s more! In the morning I look like I crossed the Atlantic in the baggage department of a jumbo airline. I’m literally battered. My face is bloated, bags under the eyes, puffy, blotchy red skin. That’s not all. I usually carry about a tablespoon of fluid in both of my eyelids, so they hang down over my eyes like a blood hound. I have heart burn, really smelly gas, and I’m dragging like I had a hangover. Within a short time I’m ready to eat sugared cereal and start the whole circus again.

So why can’t I remember all of this when I head for the kitchen and stop this ugly, defeating pattern? [I know I am lying to myself, because I DO remember. I go to the kitchen kicking and screaming at myself in my mind.]

GOAL FOR TODAY: Learn from the experience of yesterday. Make another list and stick to it. Keep all my healthy goals in front of me. Remember how I will feel when I reach goal weight in a few weeks. Remember how I will look when I’m totally buff healthy and hot looking OK at my class reunion next month. Remember how cute those size 10 pants are that I just gave to Tracy. Remember how good it feels to hear my stomach growl at night and I’m able to say “Hey little stomach, that’s a good sign, go burn off some fat if you want something.”

2 thoughts on “junk food hell

  1. gill

    It was good to read your blog and thanks for inviting me. I have struggled with weight for eons, since being 8-9 years old. I have again started to try and be careful, by not eating all the candy I was, I was doing good till my brother brought chocolate from England, and after fighting the shall I or shan’t I ate it, the shall one overcome the shall not, so I am back to trying again. My trigger is stress which at present seems to be all the time. (Scott lost his job in February, and you may have heard we packed up in April and came out to Utah, Roy/Hooper.) We still have no job as yet. Once again thanks for the invite. Gill

  2. weighingmatters

    Hi Gill. I’m sorry. No I hadn’t heard that you had moved to Utah and about the reasons for that move. I’m glad to have you nearby though, and look forward to seeing you at reunion time. Good luck with all you’re struggling with. Yes, stress seems to be a trigger for me as well, but I’m determined to at least think it through. I love this quote from Jillian from Biggest Loser. “Stop and think it through, ‘Do I really want this? How will I feel after I eat it? Is it going to put me in a tailspin; am I going to regret my decision? Is it getting me closer to my ultimate goal?’ ~Jillian Michaels.” I’ve seen many a tailspin! Blessings to you.

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