Been putting this off for too long. Keep thinking I can get back to 149 -150 so I can feel good about posting but I’m not sure I can do it! I’ve been very busy for over a week, sneaking in little [big] snacks after hubby goes to sleep. He left two bags of snack-size candy bars on the fridge and Cookies and Cream inside the freezer. Been thinking I can get back to 149-150 before I go to my daughter’s house for the Fourth but I’m not sure that’s going to happen either. I cancelled going to my 4oth Year Class Reunion. [Something I have been looking forward to for months! I was going to sashay in there all trim and slim and gorgeous and watch people’s jaws drop. But no.] Gave up on me. Instead, I’m heading to Tracy’s to see kids and grandkids and fireworks and, of course, the Menan Parade with their 32 assorted tractors and the milk truck. That’s all! Just the tractors and the milk. Why couldn’t I be more like that? They could care less what anyone else thinks of them! They are so stinking happy it’s the 4th of July and that everyone in Menan loves tractors.
Some people even ride their riding lawn mowers in the parade. Seriously.
And the strange thing is, everyone is happy. They are content, secure, satisfied and assured. They don’t care that just 20 miles away there is a huge, two-hour parade with every high school marching band in seven counties and forty nine thousand people watching. The streets are crowded with blankets and umbrellas along a fifteen-mile tree-lined route. No, the Menan parade doesn’t care one bit.
I want to be like that. I want to be content, secure, satisfied and assured.
Today for the first time in over a month I felt really crappy when my friends at work were feeling sorry for a fat person we all know. I took it personal again. I stayed quiet, knowing I couldn’t join the conversation because I had gained back 3 pounds that had been so hard to lose but so easy to find.
I stayed quiet and felt embarrassed and weak and inferior and self conscious. The old me doesn’t feel so good right now.