note to self . . .

I’m avoiding. I know. I know!

I’m avoiding admitting what a huge failure I am. I’m avoiding having to admit to myself that I’m unable to keep my commitments to me and to my health. I’m avoiding looking myself square in the mirror and saying “What the heck! What is your problem? What are you doing? Why are you screwing up this whole thing? Why can’t you just control yourself long enough to lose 10 little stinking pounds? Why can’t you get up and exercise for fifteen minutes every day? What a totally lame bozo you’ve turned out to be!”

I know. I know!

What I don’t know is why!

Why am I so unable to be good to myself? Why do I think I don’t deserve good health, a strong body, and a healthy weight? I would treat a total stranger better than I allow myself to treat me.

I went on all my trips, all our reunions. And at each one I thought to myself, “Wow, I could have been at my goal by now.” Instead, I’m wobbling all over the place; my legs and feet hurt because of the extra weight; my back hurts because of the extra tummy pouch; and my arms are like a gigantic secret weapon just waiting to clobber anyone who gets in my way with a single swing of my underarms. My triceps, seriously, look like the jowls on an old dog.


I’ve been morbidly fascinated with the muscular atrophy going on here. Sometimes I swing my arms on purpose and watch peoples’ faces cringe as they try to politely look away.

I also thought, I hope I don’t see anyone who might have read my blog. I know what they must be thinking.

It’s been four months since I started to write about goals, commitments, health, weight, wellness, wholeness. And I have come full circle right back where I started, minus about 5-6 pounds. Seriously. So here we go again. I need to take this old dog for a good long hike!

Note to self: Health is a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being, not merely the absence of disease and inflammation. [Doland’s Medical Dictionary]images

health a relative state in which one is able to function well physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually in order to express the full range of one’s unique potentialities within the environment in which one is living.

holistic health a system of preventive care that takes into account the whole individual, one’s own responsibility for one’s well-being, and all the social, psychological, and environmental influences that affect health; this may include aspects such as nutrition, exercise, and mental relaxation.

ONE’S OWN RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONE’S WELL-BEING. That’s what I want to do, and that’s where I want to be.