a post on 3 fat chicks. com
I’m telling you, it was like looking in the mirror. Not today. Not right now. But years ago.
I am 5’4” and was 113 lbs this morning but I keep binging. I am recovering from anorexia and when I eat, I really eat. I don’t know how it fits in but afterwards I feel so lost, confused and ashamed. I don’t know what to do or where to go. Just want to have a healthy relationship with food but I can’t seem to work out a recovery plan for myself. I suppose I am just looking for a friend; I am 17 years old and I don’t know what is going on anymore.
Someone answered her:
What really helped me was to realize there is a hidden part of me that was addicted to feeling shameful. Due to events in my childhood and low feelings of self-esteem, I was subconsciously driven to prove to myself I was unworthy. By having the courage to face this fact, I can better recognize why I sometimes do the self-sabotaging things I do, which for many years now, has been an unhealthy relationship with food.
So, I ate to stuff my feelings down and to preoccupy my senses so that I didn’t have to face the shameful and fearful feelings that were bothering me. And then I hated myself for being so weak — which had the effect of further “feeding” the shame and fear. A vicious cycle, but have faith that it can be overcome.
I don’t know if my experience helps you, but in any case, be kind to yourself and keep hanging in there. Realize it’s a process and there are no ‘quick fixes.’ Allow yourself room to learn from your mistakes. Allow yourself to be present and enjoy the journey.
I had never known I could be addicted to shame, but it really seems to fit. I recognize those feelings, those words. Thank goodness I’m not there anymore. But I do know how easy it is to slip back to that belief system. When you get to where I am right now, you believe you will never slip again. But I’ve been back and forth along that road so many times I can go there with my eyes shut. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
Thank you, God. This is such a huge blessing in my life right now.