yes i do, no i don't

I’ve wanted post. I really have. But, no I haven’t. I really haven’t. Here’s the thing. I will have to either fake it or straight-out lie about my weight and I don’t want to do that. Especially given the fact that I was doing so, so well and had gotten to 144 last week. THREE pounds to goal! I was flying high I’m here to tell ya!

[But this morning I was trying to encourage my friend who is having lots of personal challenges right now and I felt like a king-size hypocrite!]

After spending the weekend at Tracy’s [and eating what I thought was pretty dang healthy the whole time] I came back home at 146.5! I mean really! What’s that all about? 2 1/2 pounds? And I’ve been waiting to get back to 144 so I could post with a clear conscience. Not happening! I thought it was a very temporary gain because I had a l-o-n-g drive and didn’t stop for bathroom breaks, so I figured it was water weight. Or, you know how traveling always seems to makes you gain. But two days later I haven’t lost it! So crap! I don’t feel like posting!

I can’t even bear to measure.

Usually measuring will alleviate any feelings of failure because I see my ‘before and afters’ in black and white purple [actually] and can see the progress and accomplishments, but right now that doesn’t seem like enough.

I’m fixated on the scale.

I know better!

This morning I weighed, got dressed and went to work. About an hour later [this is really sick . . . you may want to turn away] I had a bathroom stop and wondered ‘Gee, I wonder how much I weigh now!’ Oh my heck! I can’t believe I am actually admitting this. I went into the nurse’s office and totally stripped down to my undies and got on the scale. Again!

I’m fixating on the scale.

I know better!

[OK, now I’m just repeating myself.]

Then, after work, I did the unthinkable! I stopped at the grocery store and bought a package of Quaker White Cheese Rice Cakes. I ate the whole thing. All 14 cakes. All 630 calories. I really just want to puke. What drove me there? What has driven me to become careless and depressed and discouraged? [practically overnight!] I don’t like these feelings and bad habits that snuck back so quickly.

Back to what I know works and is healthy. Back to veggies and fruits, lean protein, some dairy, nuts and whole grains. Back to healthy snacking. Back to plenty of hydration. Back to supplements and vitamins. Back to not eating after 6 PM [because I go to bed by 9.] Back to good, hard exercising until I work up a sweat. Back to positive affirmations. Back to stickin’ to it.

It scares me when I realize how very quickly I could lose all the progress of the last 6 months!

3 thoughts on “yes i do, no i don't

  1. tracy

    2.5 lbs????? You were so careful when you were here! What is up with that???? I’m sorry, I don’t know what was in my home to cause you to gain that much weight. It has only been 2 days back at home, so maybe it will come right off.

  2. weighingmatters

    Yah, that’s why I figured it was just travel weight. Now it’s White Cheddar Rice Cake weight. 146 this morning. Uuggh. I know how to do this! I’ll get it.

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