where to now?

I’ve been wondering what a blogger does after they get to the place they were aiming for when they first started blogging.

I remember so clearly that Saturday back in May when Holly and I drove to our WW meeting in Rock Springs. We were both discouraged with ourselves. We both promised each other we were going to do better, follow the program, inspire our WW people. We were going to quit making excuses. We were going to check in with each other. We were going to quit lying and sneaking and cheating.

I really had no intention of doing that. Sure I would try it for a week or maybe even two, but I knew I would fail. Again. I had been failing for two years. I knew I didn’t have what it takes. I knew I was just kidding myself and lying to Holly. Because that’s what my life had become. One. Great. Big. Fat. Lie.

[I’d just like to ‘graduate’ and move on to another subject, something more important, something life-changing! Maybe saving orphans in Africa or making pencil rolls, like Tracy’s huge project. But I’m afraid to lose my focus. I’m afraid to let myself move on to something more worthwhile.]

So, even though I might pretend to have this figured out, I know that I’ll still be struggling with food when everyone else has somehow moved on.

I found this letter that I wrote to Kristin Holt, WW Trainer, way back then.

Well this should be very interesting and enlightening. I’ve needed to get re-motivated, recommitted and back on track for a very long time.

I’ve been acting as though I have given up on my Goal, Maintenance and Lifetime . . . and myself.

It will be very apparent to you that I am not using any tools. Every single morning I wake up thinking about my weight and saying “Today is the day I am going to eat healthy and exercise, take care of me. No matter what else happens during the day.” I never make it.

I should be using 20 points to lose the 15 pounds that I have put back on since I reached goal. Some weeks I exercise but the last three weeks I have done nothing. I have never calculated using activity points to exchange for food, even three years ago when I was on program.

My husband is on the liver transplant list. My mother died, as well, this past December. I have been eating as a coping mechanism for about 6 months. I really need to stop eating, start feeding my body with healthy food and incorporating healthy lifestyle habits. I am not using Helpful Habits or Tools for Living, although I want to start doing so, beginning right now. I truly am miserable with myself.

Looking forward to recapturing goal!


Now I can see that I did get re-motivated, recommitted and back on track. I did stick with it [even though it took me four times longer than I ever thought possible!] Looking back, I really can’t believe I got from t.h.e.r.e  to  h.e.r.e!

That was so stinking hard!

Sure, it was worth it. I keep saying that! But what you don’t know is that I still struggle every single day. I’d like to say that decisions about food come easier. [They do, but it’s not easy!] I’d like to say that I am motivated to exercise every single day and that I don’t worry when I go to a restaurant. I’d like to say that I threw away all my fat clothes. I’d like to say I’m comfortable being me.

But the truth is, I’m scared. Every meal scares me. I’m scared to face Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m scared to throw away anything! I’m scared that if I start eating I won’t be able to stop. And I’m embarrassed that I’m still talking about food forty years later. Forty years ago I started using food as a coping mechanism.

I feel like there is a huge fork in the road. [And no, not the kind to eat with!] I found a path before, so I’m praying for another.