i’m no math major

Still talking about Reader’s Digest. This month’s magazine is chuck full of answers and solutions for any problem you’ve ever had [or ever will have in the forseeable future] with regard to weight, diet, exercise, eating healthy, shopping healthy, snacking healthy, fiber. . .

I kid you not!

Here is a sampling of what is in just this ONE issue:

10 Ways to Control Your Cravings
5 Tips to Beat Hunger
6 Strategies to Tame Your Appetite
19 Weight Loss Secrets from Around the World
8 Dietary Downfalls and Solutions
9 Delicious Avocado Recipes
6 Ways to Follow the Mediterranean Diet
13 Secrets About Your Weight
5 Great Ways to Get Moving
7 Tricks to Drop Pounds
4 Ways to Eat Better and Spend Less
29 Ways to Slip in More Fiber
5 healthy Snacks for 100 calories
7 Ways to Eat Well at Work
11 Ways to Include Lean Protein
25 Tips to Order Healthy Choices at Any Restaurant

Holy Toledo!

What are they thinking? This qualifies for OVERload, Doncha think!!! They make it sound like there are [quick calculation . . .] roughly 170 ways to get yourself under control and so obviously there is no excuse for not getting it together. [Because they’ve obviously given us every single answer!] The way I interpret it is I’m a failure before I even start on the sixth list of figuring out how to eat an avocado. [ObViOuSlY!!!!!] [That’s my sarcastic sing-song voice. My heads is going back and forth and my right-pointer finger is wagging, as well.]

I remember being so drawn to these kinds of lists. If there were four magazines on the coffee table at Jiffy Lube where I had a twenty-minute wait, I’d always [nonchalantly] grab the one that had “Lose 210 Pounds in Just Four Weeks, and Eat all You Want!” Of course I would try to hide what I was [obviously] reading about because I didn’t want the other [total strangers] people to know I had a weight problem [as if a casual glance in my direction wouldn’t tell them most of that information anyway.]

I’m just saying . . .

It makes me crazy that they think we’re so predictable. All they have to do is make a list with the words ‘lose’ or ‘diet’ and a bunch of numbers in it and we’re suckers for the magazine.

What I’d like them to know is a little respect, a little encouragement, a little compassion goes a long way. I know how stinking hard it is to lose weight and to get up everyday with e.x.e.r.c.i.s.e [still] hanging over my head. I know sometimes diet and exercise works and sometimes it just doesn’t. I know how hard it is to hang onto even a one-pound success. I know how hard it is to not eat the whole dang box of those little “100 calories” [pretend-healthy] snacks when other people somehow manage to just eat the one allocated for 11:00 am or 2:00 pm.

It’s hard. It’s just plain hard.

And I resent that magazines [even Reader’s Digest] can just make a list with a magic number in front of it and it makes us hope that this time, THIS TIME, it will be different.