sorting [not laundry]

The week in review: good
Eating: good
Weight: 141.5
Emotions: Fair, still not perfect, but so improved
Exercise: four days; two arms and abs days, two legs and abs days
Energy: above average

It’s Saturday morning, 6:00 am. I had nine hours of good sleep [went to bed at 8 last night.] Got up at 5:30 and paid all of my bills online, so I’m feeling in control of things. Still have some laundry, cleaning and dishes. But it’s manageable. I’d also love to find three or four hours to study for gospel doctrine class. Still, a very can-do situation. I’ll get all of this done. Today.

Now, with all that said, something is missing.

I’m missing p.e.a.c.e. I’m in a fog. My soul isn’t tingling. I haven’t read my scriptures. I’ve avoided praying. Oh, I’ve prayed. But I haven’t PRAYED. One afternoon I talked to a friend who was going through such a hard time with her daughter. And one of her best friends was going through a horrific time with her son. I prayed for them and poured out my soul. Pleading for them. I wept for them. [Actually, I bawled my head off.]

But I haven’t really prayed about what I’ve gone through. Maybe I’m embarrassed. Maybe I’m ashamed. Can I really ask Heavenly Father to bless me [and my family] when I am so hard and unforgiving myself? Can I explain that I need peace and comfort when I haven’t extended that to her?

Here’s the thing.

I was trying to explain this to another friend on the phone yesterday. I kept thinking if I could just make her understand HOW WRONG she was and HOW RUDE she was and HOW UNFAIR she was to me and HOW MEAN she was to me so that she thoroughly understood HOW BIG IT IS OF ME to forgive her . . .

In the middle of saying those words I shrank back and shuddered in unbelief that I had actually thought and said them.

Oh what a mess this is.

Oh what a trap PRIDE is. I actually went to another church so I wouldn’t have to see her. I asked someone else to teach my lesson tomorrow so I wouldn’t have to be in the same room as her. I gave up things I love doing, so I could, what, make a point?

Conclusion: It doesn’t really matter how much control I have over my bills, my exercise, my food, my cleaning — when I have absolutely no control over my pride, my peace, my relationship with God, my scripture study, my prayers.

Still s.o.r.t.i.n.g.

One thought on “sorting [not laundry]

  1. tracy

    Mom, I love you. I’m sorry this whole thing happened. I am proud of how you have dealt with it and what lessons you are taking from it.

    You are my hero.

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