It’s totally incredible and unbelievable to me how I can go from stable, secure, doing well, to completely out of control in just a couple of days. But I guess that’s why I have a blog about trying to get [and/or keep] it all together. My spending is out of control. My eating is out of control. TV time is out of control.

I feel like crap.

I’m stress eating. I know that for sure. How? I’m not even chewing. I’m stuffing food into my mouth and swallowing. It probably has to do with all the spending I’ve done lately [$972.57 just since the 23rd of December.] What’s going on here? I ate chocolate cake, candy bars, [just three more GIANT candy bars and I’ll be done with those! Thank heavens!] popcorn, cookies, crackers, cheese, junk, junk, junk. I’m so disgusted with myself. My size 10 pants are killing me! They have completely cut off blood flow to the brain!

Mikelle is getting married in 4 days and I have gained 5 pounds in five days. Wow, at this rate I won’t fit into anything I own.

Oh, yah, I still have the green dress! Lord help me!

Why? Why do I do this? A week ago I felt wonderful! I was so proud of coming home from a week-long visit and weighing 140. I can’t describe the amount of satisfaction and self-honor I [momentarily — for about two seconds!] felt.

And in a matter of days I have gone from that to total annihilation. Self-destruction. Self-loathing. Self hate.

If ever there was a time when I needed help, it’s surely right this minute.

2 thoughts on “teeter-totter

  1. tracy

    What???????? No, no, no, lets stop this right here and now. You are doing great! You are striving for physical, emotional, and spiritual health. You are a wonderful grandmother and mother. Mikelle’s wedding will be a great day and there is no reason to stress over it – just enjoy it for what it is.

    Off to have Old Testament time with my family.

  2. weighingmatters

    Wow. This is just more than I want to handle right now. Not the wedding — me out of control. I’ve got to get a grip right now! I’m so tired of self-defeating cycles. Especially when I have felt the ‘high’ of self-control so often lately.

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