all there is

Goodness! I’ve neglected my posting. I’ve neglected my health and wellness. I’ve neglected myself for a few days.

But have I ever worked! Seems I’m logging about 60 hours a week lately with my regular job, scoring for middle and high school games, and driving an afternoon school bus occasionally; and that’s not counting laundry, dishes, cleaning, and studying. I’ve also worked on our taxes for several hours. I did finish Stephen’s and got those e-filed!

I need to figure a way to get ‘me’ back in the picture.

I’ve been reactive, not active. And it has shown up in my attitude, my emotions, my eating, my weight and my energy level.

Tuesday I hurried home between work and a freshman game I needed to score and made banana bread ‘for hubby’ [that’s what I told myself!] who is laid up after his knee replacement surgery on the 4th. I’ve always added walnuts to this near-famous recipe and this time I threw in a half cup of mini chocolate chips in one loaf. But he said he didn’t care for those flavors together so. . . I ate the entire loaf, myself, over a period of three days. Oh havok!

Not the kind of singleminded commitment I want to focus on. So I couldn’t very well post when I was feeling crappy about myself and my eating choices!

Oh, I’ve thought about what I would write if I were, indeed, posting. Had whole conversations in my head about it. But just never took the time to sit down and gather my thoughts and write something encouraging, something I’ve learned about myself, something I could say to keep you on track. Because I was feeling guilt. I was feeling like a hypocrite.

I somehow did have the commitment to get in four good days of exercise and weighed every day; and other than the banana bread, I ate fairly healthy. I bought raw pumpkin seeds this weekend, as well as coconut oil and chocolate whey powder, so I’m looking forward to incorporating those in my eating plan. I think about my health every day, but can see I’m not as focused as I used to be when I was really losing weight and struggling toward my goal of 141 pounds.

But, now, I’m missing something in the equation. I’m missing the thrill of seeing those pounds and inches melt away. I’m missing the compliments [which in turn tend to encourage better and healthy self-care] and I’m missing the thrill of reaching a weekly goal.

Let’s face it. Maintaining a goal is pretty boring compared with actually seeing results and hearing all the oohs and ahs and how did you do it, and way to go’s!

Is this why we tend to gain back our weight? Is this why we lose interest and focus and commitment and drive and stamina and energy and determination? Is this where I’m at?

Is this all there is?

I’m wanting more.