7
Feb

mantra

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~ Maria Robinson

I have loved these nineteen words. I love the way they begin and I love the way they are strung together. They catch my attention from the beginning because I’ve been stuck there for so much of my life. Nobody can go back. Nobody can change their mistakes. Nobody can erase all those memories of doing wrong, choosing to rebel, choosing to hurt parents and family members with sinful choices. No one can say those things didn’t happen. No one can undo the consequences. No one can take away all the self-inflicted damage that a person does to themselves trying to make those sins invisible and make themselves invisible as well. [That’s so ironic! I’ve tried to make myself invisible by stuffing myself with food, which made me huge, and even more visible! But I recognize the fat was what I was hiding behind, trying to make me invisible behind that.]

But anyone can start today. Anyone. That’s me. That part of the phrase gave me hope when I first read it. I thought, even me, invisible me, can start today. Today! My most recent ‘today’ was May 2. I don’t know how many hundreds of times I tried to start — not only a weight-loss regimen, but tried to change my depth of spirituality, tried to heal my anger and emotional pain, tried to forgive myself, tried to use the Atonement, tried to really believe I could unburden myself of the past. Tried to believe I was a good person deep down. Tried to hope I could overcome my own continuous self-sabotage, my core belief that I was a sham. My belief that if anyone really knew me, they would toss me aside like so much used, what, garbage?

And make a new ending. The truly best part of the phrase. The miraculous part. The hopeful part. Those five words changed me. They let me see and absorb the entire sentence. I read it again and again to make sure these words were speaking to me. Personally. I knew they were. I knew I could be included in this hopeful, healing phrase.

And now that I have been able to lose weight and be more ‘visible,’ and take care of myself and believe I deserve good health and a strong body . . now that I have reached some personal goals, what now?

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I still try to read it or say it every day. I focus on start today and make a new ending.

You know the game show “The Weakest Link.” Part of the strategy is that you ‘bank’ your savings. I’ve tried to adopt that philosophy for myself. I reach a certain goal, a certain level and I bank it. I start a new beginning [from there!] and make a pact that I won’t have to lose those, say, ten pounds again. And that’s a foundation. I can stand on that. [I remember last summer it took twenty five days to lose the first 10 pounds but then fourteen more days to lose just one more! I was discouraged but determined to at least bank those ten.] [I just went back and read those first two months and realize again, how very difficult that was!]

If I have a crappy food day, I try hard to have two or three really healthy days in a row. I weigh every single day and when I am up I know I have to start today and make a new ending.

Am I perfect at this? No way. But I am getting better at it. I’m getting better at believing I can manage my weight and stay away from those self-defeating patterns of eating my pain and anger and stuffing my emotions. I’m saying more often, ‘I deserve to be healthy.’ I am God’s daughter and he wants me to be healthy and happy and whole. Unfortunately, [or fortunately, I don’t know] for me, it starts and ends with my weight. When my weight is good, I more easily am able to do spiritual things, emotional work, soul work.

If you are struggling with making a new ending, please know this. It’s possible.

It’s possible.

Everything will fall into place with your continued effort.

Keep on. You’re worth good health. You deserve health, wellness and wholeness.

3 thoughts on “mantra

  1. tracy

    Beautiful words!

    So does this mean my bedroom doesn’t have to be a disaster for the rest of my life? I can actually get it clean and keep it clean????

  2. weighingmatters Post author

    You’re kidding, right? I really don’t know what to say about your bedroom, probably something similar to what you would say about my basement. They’re both hopeless.

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