9
Mar

where is Orion, anyway?

I don’t know about you.

But do you ever get to the point where it’s just too much?

I’m at that place. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of laundry and dishes and my basement and my bedroom. I’m tired of looking at my yard with left-over winter everywhere. I’m tired of trying to always lose whatever I gained this week. Or last. I’m tired of my tummy getting flabby. I’m tired of having to exercise to keep it from getting flabby. I’m tired of trying to stay UP emotionally. I’m tired of having to pretend. I’m tired of having to defend. I’m tired of not being really, really happy. I’m tired of not having all the answers. I’m tired of being cold. I’m tired of not having my taxes finished. I’m tired of getting up at 4:15 every stinking morning of my life. I’m tired of saying, “Good, how are you?” and not meaning it. I’m tired of a pimple on my right check that will not go away and wondering if it is something more. I’m tired of this really expensive pair of shoes that don’t fit the way I wanted them to. I’m tired of stuffing Kleenex into the left toe so that the left shoe doesn’t fall off and having the right shoe way too snug. I’m tired of having to shuffle my finances from one account to another to stay ahead of the game. I’m tired of my saggy cushions on my fairly new couch. I’m tired of the smell of cigarettes. I’m tired of barking dogs. I’m tired of thinking about all the summer work I have to do. I’m tired of my back hurting. I’m tired of my smelly fridge and my dirty bathroom. I’m tired of not having the energy to do anything about either one of them. I’m tired of people looking at me and wondering if I am still dieting. I’m tired of having to be the strong one. I’m tired of not making more money. I’m tired of thinking how long I will have to work in order to have a decent retirement. I’m tired of my thinning hair. I’m tired of wondering where the heck Orion went. I’m tired of waiting for Toy Story III. I’m tired of my favorite TV shows getting dirty and smutty and vulgar all of a sudden so I won’t be able to finish out the season with them. I’m tired of my 75 trees having some kind of mite that makes them look really ugly. I’m tired of mud and ice and brown and beige and grey all over. I’m tired of all the unfinished base boards around the house. I’m tired of the leaking ceiling in the kitchen. I’m tired of people telling me to get a divorce. I’m tired of counting on people who aren’t what I want them to be. I’m tired of missing my Mom. I’m tired of feeling insignificant. I’m tired of smiling when I don’t want to. I’m tired of feeling like I’m on the down hill side of life. I’m tired of wondering what it would have been like if I had made other choices in life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not particularly contributing to anything important. I’m tired of feeling like I have to make things better. I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of weighing every singe day and wondering if is good enough to post about. I’m tired of dark chocolate that is expensive and bitter. I’m tired of not having a winning basketball season. I’m tired of having 30-year old tile in my kitchen and bathroom. I’m tired of my window wipers not working. I’m tired of my allergies. I’m tired  of the cost of groceries. I’m tired of complaining.

Just tired.

[Please don’t comment on this post.]

[Somedays I just need to vent or journal without having to worry about someone thinking they have to rescue me from all that I’m feeling.]