2
Mar

i cry alone

I’m so transparent. I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a total virtual body scan and everyone I talk to can see right through me. I don’t like that feeling. I hate feeling vulnerable. Often a person will ask me a point blank question and I’ll say no when the answer is really yes. Or vice-versa. And I can feel my face turning red or I begin to sweat. Or my eyes water.

I try hard to be cordial, polite, friendly to most people, and professionally courteous to those I work with. I try to make the best of relationships I have at work, in Church and in our neighborhood.

But when it comes to getting close or personal or confiding in others, I steer clear. In fact when things get too intruding, I feel myself pulling back. I recede. I change the subject or change friends.

The friendships and relationships I have are pretty superficial. I am comfortable with superficial. Mostly. My friend Becky and I talk every single day at work. We text each other and call once in a while. But I have a hard time telling her really personal things. And yet she probably knows me better than most people, based solely on the number of years we’ve worked together and had lunch together for the past 12 years. I know I could call her for anything. And I hope she knows the same. But I still hold back.

[Sometimes when I feel us getting too close, I subconsciously sabotage our friendship so I won’t get hurt. Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn’t but I know I do it.]

I’m very close to my two daughters, Tracy and Mikelle, but I have a hard time telling either one of them extremely personal things. I have five sisters and I cannot tell any of them anything that is deep inside me — my fears, my regrets, the things that hurt me most. I would die if they knew some things about me.

Why?

I’ve always felt if anyone really knew me — really knew who I am or what I’m about, they would walk away. If I were to expose my biggest flaws and my greatest sins and my real feelings, they would be so repulsed they’d not want to know me.

Most of me knows this is ridiculous. Most of me knows these are old tapes playing. Most of me knows these are fears and nightmares from childhood. Most of me realizes that these are irrational and self-defeating thoughts. Much of me knows I’m not ever going to take the chance of finding that out for sure.

I won’t expose myself to that kind of scrutiny and judgement. I will go to my grave knowing things I will never share.

I had a visiting teaching partner I really connected with for several years. We shared a lot. I told her things I haven’t told anyone else. I loved being with her. I loved that we understood each other and trusted and leaned on each other. And I’ve had to let go of that friendship because it got too peronal. I was uncomfortable with her knowing ugly things about me. I was embarrassed and full of shame.

I miss her.

The other day Mikelle asked me if I had any friends. She said, who are you closest to? And it hurt. Oh, I made something up to satisfy her curiosity, but it hurt to acknowledge to myself I don’t want to have a really close friend.

I see others go shopping with each other, or going to lunch. I have two sisters who go on wonderful trips with each other. I see my daughters with so many friends, really close friends. I know people who paint their nails together. I know people who have sleepovers. Seriously, sleepovers?

But I hold that part back. I stuff all those feelings. I cry alone.

And I paste on a smile and make the best of it. So the next time you see me, I’ll be happy, probably funny. I’ll deny I ever thought these thoughts. I’ll say it was just a thing I was going through that particular day.

It was nothing. It meant nothing.

5 thoughts on “i cry alone

  1. weighingmatters Post author

    Wow. I just re-read this. No wonder I have a weight problem. No wonder I have layers and layers and layers and layers. No wonder I won’t let anyone in. No wonder I built two thousand walls around me.

    Um, yah.

  2. tracy Post author

    I am so sorry you feel this way. It is scary to let people in…really scary…but it is worth it also. I hope that someday you will find someone you can trust to let them all the way in.

    Love you more than you know…always will…regardless of what secrets I know of you. You are a gem and NOTHING would scare me away from you…but I understand the fear.

  3. camille

    Dorothy,
    I completely understand the feeling “…if they knew the real me, they would walk away!” I have felt the same way all of my life. But Tracy and Tami and Eric really do know the real me and they love me anyway. It is so hard for me to comprehend! I love you so much, I wish you could *feel* how it feels to be loved by those who really do *know* you. It is probably time for you to read Believing Christ again. (I have to read it over again when I start to feel like what you described.)

    …..as far as your weight goes, it is so hard for me to see you beat yourself up over 5 pounds. (Believe me, I understand the work it takes to lose those 5 pounds.) You are such a beloved daughter of God, I am sure He would help you lose the 5 and kick the self-defeating behaviors. BTW, have you thought of doing The Church’s 12-step program that Mona talked about last summer? I think I’d like to do it. I bought He Did Deliver Me From Bondage, but haven’t read it yet. (Though, I have lent it to 2 different friends.)

    I love you forever. I love you for always. As long as I am living, my Favorite Aunt you’ll be!

  4. weighingmatters Post author

    Here’s my reply to a friend who emailed this morning. It pretty much sums up the situation.

    In a way it feels good that I know someone who can relate. In a way, I’m so sorry that I know someone who can relate. Yah. pretty lonely life, but it’s not like I will ever change it because it’s what I know. It’s what I’m comfortable (?) with. Or at least used to. I can talk to a total stranger better than I can talk to my own loved ones. I pick my ‘total strangers’ carefully though. If there’s someone in the craft store or fabric store or WINCO that I see right off that I connect to, that’s easy. Chat, chat, chat. But to really confide or share with a friend or family member, Um no.

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