not laughing

[No comments please. I’m in the process of processing.]
This is all self talk. It’s a private conversation


270 posts in the past 10 months and I still don’t get it.

270 posts and I still haven’t figured out how to eat healthy on a daily basis.

270 posts and I still sabotage and cheat and sneak and betray and lie and blow it on a regular basis.

270 posts and I still treat myself with inconsistency and lack of respect.

270 posts.

Yesterday morning at 5: 00 am I started with Mt. Dew from the room we used for the hospitaity area. There is still a Pepsi fountain machine in there. I had 4 glasses of Mt. Dew! [I haven’t drank pop for years!] Then Louise came around giving out candy bars for anyone who did extra work during Regionals. I took a big ol’ Snickers bar. When I went home I had cheese and chips and a frozen chocolate bar. I was desperate to find more junk. I had eaten triggers all day long. I remember feeling like I had to find something immediately. I looked out in the garage freezer and sure enough, under layers of frozen pizza and TV dinners was a bucket of Cookies and Cream ice cream we bought a couple of months ago when Andie was here for the weekend. I dug it out and had a h.u.g.e. bowlful.

Miserable all night long.

The combination of cool ranch chips and cookies and cream are still with me. Pee ewe! Woke up with fat fingers. Couldn’t budge my ring. Took one look in the mirror and saw the self-destruction written all over my face. Pooed for 15 minutes! Stomach ache. Droopy eyes that look more like Charlie Brown’s than my own. A tablespoon of fluid in each lid. Blotchy skin. Really bad breath.

That’s what I did to myself.