29
Apr

k.n.e.e.s.

Time to move on to something else!

I’ve been wondering about my faith lately. While reading, Women Food and God the other night I came to a part that really reverberated with me but which was a little painful and scary to consider as well. I went back over it a couple of times and then closed the book. I haven’t opened it again.

I don’t have the strongest faith. I like to think it’s sufficient. I often talk about it in church or with close friends. I say my faith is everything. I say I don’t know what I would do, where I would be, without my faith. And I believe that. But some days I know I’m lacking.

There are times when I wonder if heaven really can help. Is someone really up there? Sometimes I think I shouldn’t even ask for help. And so I don’t. Sometimes when I get into the habit of not praying, it’s because I think God really shouldn’t bless me or the specific children I’m praying for at the time because of something I’ve done. Or undone. Or not done.

And then I get over it and everything is back to normal.

Right now I’m struggling because of my dear sister. I’m worried about her diagnosis and treatments. I’m scared for her even though she’s courageous and believing and and in capable hands with her two doctors. I think if I had more faith she would be better right now. If I had more faith this would all get over with very quickly and she would be back to normal. So I feel like I have somehow let her down with my little faith.

It’s been a long time since I really, really prayed and I know I need to get back on my knees and reacquaint myself with supplication, with appeal, with communion, with entreaty, with petition.

Each night I go into my room and think, is this the night I kneel and pour out my heart? Then I perssuade myself, I’ll just pray in bed. I’m convinced that doesn’t work.

That’s my new goal I’m working on. Daily Prayer. And no, I’m not going to give a blow-by-blow at how I’m doing with that. I’m just writing it here to remind myself that prayer also is in my journey to b.e.t.t.e.r and it’s high time I worked on something besides food and weight related issues.

I saw a prayer on Second Wind a couple of weeks ago and I wish I would have copied and saved it because it was beautiful. It’s gone now, but I think about it every day. I would love to have those words back — to think about throughout the day. They were full of strength and faith and hope.

Today all my prayers are for Louise.