23
Jul

bent

I’ve always been a multi-tasker . . . always had several projects going on at the same time. I’ve, on occasion, considered myself ambidextrous, although, of course, I’m not — even though I can stir a pot of simmering spaghetti sauce, balance my checkbook with the other hand while talking on a cradled phone arranging visiting teaching appointments. Perhaps the term for that is multi-dexterous. I’m sure I could add to that list, scooting a small child along the floor to a safer spot with a free foot, or shutting the kitchen door with my knee. These are common and even expected skills of any mother.

I look at my niece [or is she a cousin? . . . let’s see she’s the daughter of my first cousin] Tami Lyman. She’s the mother of eight. We recently had our big Leon Rollins Family Reunion and I watched in awe as Tam  balanced three of her youngest on her lap while playing Rook and winning! Mikelle and I discussed again and again how comfortable she is as a m.o.m, how she nurtures, adores, and gently guides each one of  her little brood. We watched in amazement how each child checked in with her throughout the day and, although each one played their little hearts out and explored and went off on their gigantic adventures, she is like an all-knowing mother bear who is definitely the one in charge! She’s hard and soft and funny and smart and definitely multi-dexterous!

But,

I am not able to do some things at the same time! I can either focus on eating healthy OR exercising.

I can either focus of taking care of my physical health or my spiritual well-being.

I can either work on my mental/emotional self or my physiological self.

Because when I try to work on everything, nothing is improving.

For a couple of months I’ve been attending the Church’s addiction and compulsive/obsessive disorders class. No, that’s not really the name of it. I just made that up to make me feel totally included. They always use the word ‘addiction’ but I always add ‘compulsive and obsessive’ to make it a better fit for me. And I love this program. I love the manual and the supplemental book, Clean Hands, Pure Heart.

Every single week I say, “Wow, it’s as if I were totally transparent, someone has been taking notes on my whole [hole] life and written it all in a course manual for all the world to see.” Every single week I’m amazed at what I learn about me, what layer of myself I’m temporarily able to peel away for an hour, and what I allow myself to actually feel for 60 minutes. And then, of course, I patch myself back together, dry the tears, plant a smile on my face and head back to reality as I know it, and  somehow get through until the next class.

I’m not addicted to alcohol, nicotine, prescription drugs, pornography, anger, or spending. But something is amiss. [I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, to be sure!] But somewhere along the way, something has grown a deep space where my heart should be. Something has disconnected my soul from my heart. Something lingers in the depth and keeps me from being who I want to be, who I really, really am, who I was meant to be and who I can become. And I’m working on being more successful as I learn and grow from the lessons of life.

So, that’s one of the reason I haven’t written much about my current daily weight and food struggles. That’s why I’ve not gotten on here day after day posting my most recent five-pound gain — and then my four pound loss. I’ve not written about veggie stir-fry in a spinach wrap, blended protein smoothies, and vanilla-almond granola or 8 glasses of spring filtered water with a lemon wedge. I’ve neglected typing about flab and muffin-tops and thighs like tree trunks and swollen ankles and my ever-increasing immovable ring on my ring finger. [I’m seriously considering having it surgically removed.]

Because all I think about now, is finding that empty feeling and figuring how to fill it with light and lightness and joy and peace.

I’ve always, always said:
“If I can just get my weight under control, I could work on everything else.”
“If I could just weigh 140 I would be happy about everything else in life”
“If I could just get my eating under control, the rest of my life would fall into place.”
“If I could just blah, blah, blah, I could blah, blah blah!”

Once, when I was explaining this continuous tug-o-war-with-myself to Tracy, she aptly explained why I keep struggling. She said, “All things were created spiritually before they were created physically.” That rang a rather large bell in my overworked cerebellum! “Concentrate on the spiritual and then the physical!”

For now I’m trying to be spiritual-dexterous.

[PS: I am also 145, which is OK for the moment.]

[And of course I still have tons of satisfying, energizing, memorable, exciting, gratifying, productive, wonderful times filled with children, grandchildren, friends, significant and life-changing experiences. I love each of those! I love so much about life! I’m not focusing on ‘negative,’ I’m focusing on ‘positively’ finding peace and joy! I’m not broken! Just a little bent once in a while and I’m trying to work on that for the moment.]

2 thoughts on “bent

  1. tracy

    I think you are doing great!!!!!! The soul stuff is by far the most essential, the most critical, and the most satisfying.

    Love you!

  2. Tami

    Sometimes it’s funny to see how others see me. I really don’t feel like that person you described. I’m much more in the… ‘do what I have to to make everyone at least survive’ mode most of the time. I also feel unsuccessful at trying to make all the different aspects of my life work at the same time. Changing my focus a bit right now – gotta get the spiritual in gear!

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