then and now

I looked over the past year’s posts just to see what I weighed last year at this time. 151.5. I looked at the post and saw I was so fired up to have lost that ten pounds. I was so optimistic, felt so good, was exercising, choosing wisely, happy. It was contagious.

I weigh less than that right now. Just a smidgen. I’m not optimistic, feeling good, exercising, choosing wisely or happy. It’s also contagious!

I feel good in other ways, though. I feel I’ve found other answers that have nothing to do with weight. Well, everything to do with weight, actually. How can that be? How can it not be about my weight and yet not not be about my weight?

That’s really the only way to explain it.

I’ve found that I need to forgive myself for a whole truckload of things. I have a mountain of things to figure out, take care of. But someone said, “If you ask God to move a mountain, don’t be surprised if he hands you a shovel.”

That sounds right. It’s my mountain.

So, even though my weight is way up there and my clothes are tight and I’m frustrated with my  physical self, at the same time I’m feeling optimistic about taking care of some other weighty issues I’ve buried for years. Years! Forty or more years. I love the leaders at the 12-step program. I love the words I’m reading and what I’m learning. I wish I could lose weight and work on spiritual things at the same time, and I will keep working on that, but I can see my focus is more on other things right now. I keep telling myself, “Well, as long as I stay under 150 I’ll be OK . . . . and I know that’s a cop-out. I don’t like it. But I’m working up the courage to do a thorough inventory of all I have ever done. The exact words are “Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.”

That’s taking up most of any extra energy or thought I have lying around.

At the same time. I need to eat healthier. My energy is zapped. I need to eat as well as if I were preparing for a marathon, because, this is a spiritual marathon and sugar isn’t good for my soul either.

Goal for the week: Pray often. Eat healthy. Forgive another person for something. Forgive myself for something.