sorry, i know it makes you uncomfortable to read this stuff

My favorite niece, Tami, said

3 days and no new posts? Come on!! You said you didn’t have anything to do… then sit down and put out one of those great witty posts! :) Love you!

Well, this isn’t exactly witty. I’ll work on witty later, I promise!

You know what? I could take out that post about the middle of the night. The one with the horrendously embarrassing picture of me. I could, with a single keystroke, delete the whole humiliating thing . . . but I’m choosing to remember what I did that night and the night before. And a million times before that.

I know my daughters are totally mortified and uncomfortable seeing that there. Mikelle even slipped and said, “I know you didn’t get much sleep last night.” and I said, “How did you know that?” and she said, “Um, I just heard it somewhere.” She was ashamed to call attention to my pathetic post. And she didn’t want to make me more uncomfortable, so she just skipped right over it. Tracy wrote a heart-wrenching comment that made me search within myself what I could and could not accomplish on my own.

But I’m leaving it there because I need to know that that’s my reality on any given day. That’s what I struggle with every moment of my life and I can’t hide from it. From myself. From my conflict. From my battle. I don’t begin to pretend to understand why I have this particular burden and why I can’t seem to conquer it. Why I can live a relatively normal life in all other areas but this. Why I can have success for months at a time and then failure for as long. I know it’s more than biorhythms [jesting, here, folks.]

I don’t know what lesson I am to learn from this debilitating set of circumstances. I’m not sure what God is telling me in my individual situation. Except perhaps this: I need His help. I have come to discover this is not much different from leprosy or diabetes or heart disease or alcoholism or cancer. I know I can’t do it alone. Believe me. I’ve spent 35 years or so struggling to hide, obliterate, disguise and lie about this vicious quandary. And it has been isolating, embarrassing, awkward, difficult and humiliating to struggle with it publicly. It’s something that brings me much shame.

I have always considered additions [and by the way, I still can’t call my circumstances an ‘addiction’ because I often think that’s a total cop-out] to be simply bad habits that can be conquered by willpower alone. And I have self-berated knowing I haven’t had the consistent willpower to eat to live — not live to eat. President Packer taught “Addictions, compulsions and obsessions have the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide.” These behaviors diminish a person’s ability to feel the Spirit. In my own life I have used food to relieve more than just physical pain or hunger. It has provided perceived ‘relief’ and numbed painful feelings or moods. It has helped me avoid problems. It has soothed worry, loneliness, discouragement, regret and boredom. But is has also disconnected me from my own will.

I have resorted to lies and secrecy hoping to excuse myself or blame others. I saw the contradiction between what I believe in and hope for and my own behavior. I could see how my actions undermined what I value. And I finally came to a point where I admitted how unmanageable my life had become; and the amazing thing is, this honest realization was the best thing that could ever happen.

President Benson taught: “Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can.”

So I’m leaving the post. I’m leaving the picture. And I’m leaving the realization that I need God’s help getting rid of my self-destructive, self-annihilating behavior.

And I’m trying to be honest about this obnoxious and offensive and disgraceful purgatory I’ve visited. If only to help one other person who struggles with self-worth and self-realization. If only to believe for a moment that the promise is true:

“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, and pour out peace.”

Seriously. I could go for that!

On a much brighter note, I had a great day yesterday and so far today. I’m feeling good. I’ve eaten healthy. I made it though last night without a binge. I slept well. I exercised this morning while I watched The Bounty Hunter. I accomplished much. I feel a teensy bit of peace and contentment. And I wrote a truthful post.

So, I’m good.

4 thoughts on “sorry, i know it makes you uncomfortable to read this stuff

  1. tracy

    Just so you know, I wasn’t mortified in the slightest…just proud of you…and in awe of this process you are going through. This is deep stuff you are dredging up and it takes courage to do so. I am SO proud of you and SO grateful God is leading you along and bringing you closer to Him. You are doing great! It is when we fail so miserably on our own that He is best able to teach us truth.

  2. weighingmatters Post author

    I’m slightly annoyed that I have to deal with this. I know [believe] how I got to this point of using food to make myself invisible [obliterate myself] — incest, sexual assault, rape, bad marriages, abuse, perceived abandonment — so I’m hoping someone else going through this same type of self-destruction can see themselves, whether they are currently using food, drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships, shopping/spending . . . or whatever! . . . to sooth themselves.

    I’ve tried to bury this for most of my life but here it is in living color and at age 60 I figure I’ve got to finally deal with it or die trying.

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