I cried

I cried during my lesson. It was so hard telling people about some of the struggles I’ve had. But I wanted to lay the groundwork for others to share some of their struggles and healings and miracles, so I thought it was worth the risk. I told them this experience and compared it to Matthew 9, which I so identify with —  it’s the story about a woman who had been sick for twelve years.

I was bulimic for nearly thirty years. When I was pregnant with Mikelle 22 years ago, I checked myself into an eating disorders clinic in Salt Lake for six weeks. It was a terrifying and emotionally grueling experience. I was ashamed, alone, afraid, and pessimistic. My little one-year-old was at home without me. And my two other children were struggling as well. One day a friend of mine found Cameron in the basement with a loaded gun. I was falling apart. I knew I needed extensive and professional help but I couldn’t handle all the emotional trauma of being away from my children for so long, and dealing with and re-living all the personal poor choices that made bulimia seem like the only way for me to cope with life.

Bishop Michelson came to visit me and he gave me a blessing.

About two weeks into the program I started feeling a little stronger and a little more optimistic. I felt encouraged that I might finally overcome my eating disorder. I was able to be more honest with myself, and with the staff, who were specifically trained to help women with compulsive and self-destructive relationships with food. Gradually I became more receptive to what they were teaching and became hopeful, prayerful, and more optimistic for recovery.

Long story short, my mother came to visit me. It was on a Friday morning. I told her that on that Sunday I had recognized a change in me. I finally felt like I had turned a corner and that I was eventually going to be OK. During the conversation she let me know that the previous Sunday my entire family had held a family fast for me, and my situation. It was the very day that I had felt strength from the Lord.

One sister did share an amazing story about her son who had broke his back and then developed a serious life-threatening side affect in the hospital. She said through a Stake fast and much prayer he was healed. It was a perfect experience for her to share with us. We all cried, together.

After the leson another sister asked me if she could talk to me about everything. She has a similar situation and has wanted/needed to talk to someone she could trust . . . for years.

Maybe that was the whole purpose.

Of course, others couldn’t/wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Maybe it was all too personal for their comfort zone.

I’m thinking, maybe another calling would be better . . .

One thought on “I cried

  1. tracy

    I’m so proud of you. Proud of you for sharing, for reaching out, for letting others in, for showing people that you are not perfect and put together and all that garbage that we let ourselves believe about others. The world would be a much better place if we were all REAL. Strive for the ideal, but not pretending we are there when we are struggling with mortality just like everybody else.

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