OK, I should just write about this and process it so I can get over it! I MISS going to my 12-Steps. I NEED to go to my 12-Steps. I WANT to go to my 12-Steps [I was making progress . . .] and I can’t seem to make myself go until I get this worked out. This was way back on May 22!
I had a good meeting. A GREAT meeting. And then this icky, awkward thing happened. So I messaged her.
Hi there. Hey, about boundaries . . . please, no more hugs. I don’t want to be rude, and I didn’t want to be rude on Sunday, but you know how I feel about touching and yet you keep doing that. Please respect that I’m not into hugging. You see it as a sign of caring/reaching out. I don’t. I see it as a breech of my personal space. If I approach you, that’s different. Otherwise, please, don’t. I want to go to my meetings without having to worry about worrying about someone swooping down to ‘rescue’ me. See, now you’ll think I’m rude. But you just don’t know what it feels like to be approached with wide open gaping arms and not want to go there. That’s me. Boundaries. So, please, in the nicest way I can ask, don’t approach me like that. It sends me into panic mode, and that doesn’t feel good. See, now I don’t want to go to meetings. Thanks for listening.
So how could I go back after saying all that? Really, how can I be so petty? I mean, she just gave me a hug. What’s the crime in that? I just don’t want to admit how wrong I am. I don’t want to have to look her in the face and say, “Hey, I’m the lamest person ever.”
I’m so pathetic.
Stop. Wait! I’m not supposed to say things like that to myself. I am supposed to say uplifting, supportive, encouraging, and affirming things. I don’t want to play old tapes of when I felt stupid-ugly-and-dumb [my growing up years . . .] So I’ll just say, Yes, I was uncomfortable, I didn’t want to be hugged, but for crying out loud, it’s over, I lived through it, so get back to class for Pete’s sake!
Seven classes have come and gone since that day. And I have missed them all. It’s time to go back and admit I’m [um, trying for an uplifting, supportive, encouraging, and affirming word] learning to quiet my discomfort.
OK. I just re-read this and I know you don’t have the full picture. Just so you do understand where I’m coming from [I know I’m back-tracking and losing any progress I just made] I’ll show you what she messaged back to me. THIS was the traumatic part.
Dorothy I do not think you rude. My dearest Dorothy never did I know you felt like it to be some one rescueing you. That is why I have ALWAYS asked if you minded you always had the right to stated this. I feel so horrid. My heart is breaking to think the two hugs I have givin you have affected you in such a adverse way. I promise I will always keep a three foot distance from you at all times. To me a hug is an imbrace of exceptance of love and yes of caring. Dorothy all three of these I do of you. Never let any one or any thing stop you from continuing class. Class is a THE plass to go. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ANY FEAR OF MY HUGS. I have tears on my cheeks for you not tell me the depths sooner, and not just “not a touchy feelly sort” I hope to see you often with many of best wishes and love. Now for me to put thing in a the nicest of waysI never have nor ever will try to rescue someone else only assist them upon is trial of life. see you around.
I mean seriously. And this . . .
I just wanted to come back and let you know I do and will make sure I am aware of your boundaries. This has been on my mind. I do applogize. I hope to see you in class if be chance we attend on the same night. I hope my being there would not distract you from going. I am greatful knowing your bounderies. I can respect them. I WILL NOT approach for a hug. If I do approach you it will be to talk. PLEASE no fear. Thank you for listening to me this time.
I just want to edit this!
So I know I really haven’t gotten over the whole thing if I still want to edit it. Can’t I just let this go?
I’m so pathetic.