kiosks t-off

I don’t know if I’m the only customer who has a hard time at the kiosk in Kohl’s but both times I’ve tried to use it I’ve been so frustrated because it took over an hour to order three iddy-bitty things. The whole time I’m in the store, I hear this musical little jingle through their overhead speakers touting “If [by any chance] you don’t find exactly what you want in the exact same color and size you prefer, just visit our wonderfully amazing kiosk and order it to be sent to your home with no shipping charges. You will have no problems ordering from the kiosk and even if you do, you can ask one of our expert and friendly sales associates [from, say, the shoe department] to help you in a jiffy, and if [by chance] they aren’t all that expert and friendly, you can call our 800 number and speak to an expert and friendly [English speaking] sales associate who will help you with the entire process.”

Don’t believe it. Not for a minute.

So, Saturday, I had another 30% off coupon and I stopped on my way out of Logan to ‘just look around.’ Then I remembered I have several granddaughter’s birthdays coming right up and looked a little [lot] more. I found some darling layered, ruffled tanks from Mudd I thought they would absolutely adore [even though I have been pre-warned to NOT buy clothes for granddaughters, especially teen granddaughters . . . who say things like, “Um, sure, Grommer, that’s cute, but I’m not sure it would really look all that great on me.] There was only one sage green and it was a small. Ordinarily, a small would fit Andie. She is small! But this small was obviously made for an anorexic Ethiopian fashion model who weighs, perhaps, 78 pounds after Thanksgiving dinner. I needed a medium and a large.

[Of course it will be worn over a shirt with sleeves.
I have very modest granddaughters.]

I went to the kiosk and swiped the tag of the small one, following directions precisely [I was reading them out loud as I went and several people stopped to see what was going on] and then was prompted to swipe my Kohl’s card to “speed up the process.” It would automatically enter all of my personal information [name, address, phone, etc. Unfortunately, it most likely broke the computer. Because, after that, nothing worked again. It said I don’t exist [something I don’t need to be reminded of!] and that my card had a few minor problems. I started over again from the beginning and decided to manually enter my personal info to “speed up the process.” Still no-el-worko. I grabbed a guy from the customer service counter and he took me to another kiosk and we started over. He swiped, swipped and swiped away and finally entered things manually, as well. It said my card had a problem. I needed to call the 800 number. This I am familiar with! I had the pleasure of speaking with a heavily accented Iranian just a few months ago in a very [unfortunately] similar experience where I ended up on the floor, pounding my fist at any and all customer service persons of all creeds.

Awe. An English-speaking woman. Tender mercy of all tender mercies. [Oh. Wait! I am not a bigot! But I do speak very good English.]

She explained that since I had spend a small fortune with Kohl’s in the past six months, I had the opportunity to have a “sale ANYTIME I chose and I would automatically save an additional 15% because I was, after all, a VIP.” She said they had sent another card ending in ’01’ instead of the ’00’ on the card I was trying to use. “Did you, in fact, receive that card?”  “Well, I don’t know. I don’t ever open my bills because I pay online. I really didn’t see one, and if it came, I threw it away. Can you send me another one?” “Sure, what is your name? address? phone? and social?” “But, I just gave it all to you a minute ago.” “We have to make sure you really are the person we think we are talking to.” “Seriously? Who else would walk into Kohl’s and try to impersonate me?”


I left Mikelle’s at 1:00 and got out of Kohl’s at 4:30.

I, seriously, am through with kiosks. That one ‘saved’ me three hours!

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