I’ve lost the last marble I ever thought I had.
I’ve felt for a long time that things were heading downhill. I don’t know if it has something to do with all the many chemicals I use in the summertime, but I’ve been forgetting more than usual and my head seems to throb more than usual, as well. [Right now, for instance, my head is totally killing me!]
Yesterday morning I got up at 3:45 and puttered around. I dried the towels, moved dishes, loaded dishes, paid some bills. And then I headed to the shower. I washed with shower gel, scrubbed my feet, shampooed my hair, brushed my teeth and then grabbed my favorite apricot face scrub. When I filled up my palms and rubbed them together and then smothered my face with it, I suddenly realized I still had my reading glasses on.
Then there is the daily problem with my car battery. Several times a week I either leave the key turned on or the lights turned on. Leonard is so tired of rescuing me with the jumper cables that last time he just put them in my trunk and said, “Here. You need to keep these in here from now on.” Seriously! What the heck is that supposed to mean?
Last Friday I [apparently] drove the truck to Evanston. I can’t even remember it. Tracy says I did, so I probably did. I slightly remember that I had a dead battery [see above paragraph] and borrowed hubby’s truck for the treck. She said something about it and I said, “I don’t remember anything about that.” I was watching her face and could see that something registered. I saw her file away that little piece of information and I saw her ache a little for me.
I say something at work and if someone didn’t hear me and asks what I just said, I don’t have a clue. I have a glazed-over, totally numb/dumb look on my face while they wait for some logical explanation. Then I have to fess up and say, “Wow, I don’t have any idea what I was just telling you.” We all kind of laugh about it in an uncomfortable way and sort of agree to let it go one more time but I know it is catching their attention and it is humiliating me.
Gotta say this is scaring me to death!
My biggest fear is coming at me a lot faster than I want to admit. It’s the big A word. No, I’m not talking about the nasty crude word that lots of people call lots of other people. The one that ends in hole. I’m talking about the other A word that is just as nasty and crude from where I’m standing.
Alzheimer’s. Or, even, Dementia.
Both of those put fear into my heart whenever something like this happens to me.
Once, I saw a 75-year-old woman in a moo-moo walking into Wal-Mart with the help of a son. She was walking like she had just peed herself and she was picking her nose a hundred miles an hour and eating it just as fast. She remined me of a Chimpanzees at the zoo.
Totally scares me to death!
Once, I worked as a private duty nurse’s aid for a woman with Alzheimer’s. I worked the night shift and she was really, really mean to me. She locked me out of the house several times. She threw food. I tried to avoid her by walking around her staircase which separated her living room and kitchen. She followed me around and around the stairs [to the tune of 8 hours a night!] calling out after me, “You have to leave now. I’m going to hurt you. Leave my house right now.” But, I had to stay because her children were paying me to keep her safe.
I’ve already mentioned that I backed into the garbage can ten minutes after I put it out at the end of the drive way. I also backed into a shopping cart two minutes after I loaded my things into the trunk at Hobby Lobby. There was a mother and young child walking from the parking lot and she hurried and scooped up her child because of the crazy woman driving over her own shopping cart. I still have the scratches in my paint to prove it.
So, marbles are rolling all over the place and I’m tripping, slipping and stumbling all over them. I’m embarrassed, horrified and frightened.
I’m telling everyone within reading distance. Please, just put me to sleep. I don’t ever want to go through that and I think it would be just plain mean of you to keep me alive just so I can dwell on this earth for another year or so. When the time comes, I’m holding you to this: put a pillow over my face and count to one hundred. Better make it two hundred.