16
Oct

someday i’ll get back to this . . .

OK, I guess I am finally ready to give this a whirl. I’ve heard a couple of complaints, but I seriously don’t know why! I can’t fathom how, whether or not I take the time to write something completely insignificant, nonsensical and unnecessary could possibly make a difference.

But I’ve heard this saying a couple of times this past week. “Nobody notices you are doing something until you stop.” Maybe that’s how I’ve been feeling. I read a few [very few] other blogs and enjoy them so much. I compare my writing to theirs and come up pretty short, so I just figured I’d stop writing. Give myself a break.

When I started this, it was because I was so frustrated with my weight. Tracy and I had played around with the idea of blogging and we both finally jumped in at the same time. She and her friend, Jessica, helped me with my format and teaching me the basics of WordPress and I began. A lot of those posts back then were dark and dreay. I used them to process my love/hate relationship with food. [and myself!] I used them to chart progress. [and failure] I used them to start talking about my feelings, about family, about my favorite things, about other relationships, regrets, joys.

And, I nearly wore myself out continuously going around the same circles. I was like a giant pendulum. After reaching my goal in the fall of 2009, I gained back a bunch of weight, then lost it again, and gained and lost again and again. I got tired of it. I couldn’t keep myself  motivated and I was embarrassed. Ashamed. I thought when I saw any of you who had admitted to reading this, that you looked at me and said, “Whoa, she’s not at her goal weight.” I imagined being the biggest weight loss failure in the world. I tried Hcg. It worked pretty well. I got back to 140 but then started eating again. I started every Monday, every month, every full moon, almost every single day saying this will be different. I’ll do better. I’ll succeed. I’ll keep it off! I’d eat everything in sight so that I’d get sick of it and would never want to eat it again. I tried praying about it. I tried loving myself through it. I went to 12-steps about it. I did everything but stop eating.

And I really didn’t want to write another word aboug it. Oh sure, I got down to 146 a couple of times but today I’m back to 152. Almost half way back to my original 161 when I started this two and a half years ago. So, I’m not feeling very great about things me.

I wrote about other things. My heck. I’ve written 665 blogs. So, I have written! But not much has really changed. I wrote ten times in September and one time in October, and you really can’t count most of those as writing. Most recently I just posted a picture and made a couple of comments. I could see what was happening. I just wanted to climb in a hole. Then all of the new fall shows started. I watched all of those and basically sat on the couch stuffing myself!  I got involved in Tracy’s Make it for Maggie spectacular. Mikelle asked me to help her with her Super Saturday. And, I just put the computer on hold. Oh, stop. Wait. In the mean time I discovered Pinterest. Most of my computer time has been on there. See, I’m distracting myself.

So, in a nut shell, and I don’t say that lightly, that’s why I’ve quit writing. Someday, I’ll feel like getting back to this, but in the meantime I’m painting a cute little snowman that should have cost about $3, but ended up costing $47!

4 thoughts on “someday i’ll get back to this . . .

  1. tracy

    Thank goodness you wrote…now keep it up!

    Just write what you eat or write about yourvday or write letters to your grandchildren…anything!

  2. Tami

    I’ll add my beg to Tracy’s! I’ve missed reading things from you. I don’t care what it is… Love you!

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