On Wednesday night I went to get the Stake portion of my temple recommend. I had my Bishop’s side of it done last Sunday. Oh, my goodness, I hate being without a recommend. And, because it expired at the end of October, I went about two weeks without it. I felt totally vulnerable. I had those two weeks to think about the questions and my answers. The first ones are thought-provoking, but easy. The middle ones are thought-provoking and full of self-evaluation. Those things all come easy to me now. [They didn’t always!] Word of Wisdom, Chastity, Tithing, Meeting Attendance, Temple Covenants, Wearing the Garment Night and Day. Easy. But there’s that one at the very end that get’s me every time. Am I worthy to go to the temple? Completely thought-provoking! This time, I thought about it every single day. I thought, “I’m just going to say yes.” I’m not going to think about it. I’m just going to answer.
But, it doesn’t happen like that.
I told President Isom about my plan — that I would just say yes. Then I started to cry. I said. “The minute I say that, I don’t feel worthy to go! I mean how can a person be worthy to step into the LORD’S house? I’m so imperfect! And I know HE is! But, I want to be there. I want my family to have the blessings of temple attendance. I want to learn and grow and feel. I need to be there to feel the Spirit. I need to be there. But, no. I’m not worthy of all of that!”
So much for my plan.
Long, tear-filled discussion.
He asked about my family — my children, my brothers and sisters. My hubby. He asked how we get along. He said the saddest thing he has noticed during these interviews is that so many people have terrible relationships with their siblings. He said it breaks his heart.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this — but I do feel that I have a pretty good relationship with my brothers and sisters. I certainly speak to them and hug them. I pray for them all the time. I love them. I miss them. I look forward to seeing them at family gatherings. I have been able to get over childhood hurts and rivalries. I want to live with them for the eternities. That’s a huge improvement! I remember once saying to yelling at my mother, “If he’s going to be in heaven I DON’T WANT TO BE THERE!” I saw how much that hurt her. I was glad it hurt her.
Now, I feel bad that it hurt her. I feel so bad. I hope my Mother reads blogs and knows that now.
I think so much about my own children and their relationships. I think of all the years we didn’t have Cam. I think of all the years we had hurt and misunderstandings and, often, just plain meanness. A mother wants/needs her children to love each other. A mother wants/needs her children to count on each other. To gain strength from each other. To appreciate and love each other. Dang it all to heck!
I walked away from the interview with my recommend in hand and wondering at the turn the conversation went.
Yes. More thought-provoking self-evaluation.
So, that’s how that works! That’s how our Church leaders get us to think and re-think and feel a need to repent and strive for balance in our lives.