by way of explanation

This is kind of like Fast and Testimony Meeting.

I keep thinking about what I’d like to say. I keep trying to cement my thoughts with a little spiritual insight, a little humor and something profound. I  keep talking myself right out of it and checking the clock. Although my brain has been in ‘compose mode’ for days, and once in a while I actually think of something wonderful to say, I lose it. I don’t even remember the gist.

I started thinking about my Mother the first part of December and thought I’d like to write a fitting tribute to her. I could start with my earliest memories [that would be the day she brought Rob home from the hospital — although I remember other earlier events, just not of her. I actually remember being in the crib upstairs] and work up to the present — or at least until December 16, 2008. That, really, wouldn’t be completely accurate since I’ve had some remarkable experiences ‘with her’ since she died. Maybe ‘with her’ isn’t the right phrase. Maybe ‘because of her’ would be more apropos.[OK, now I’m remembering sneaking out of bed at nap time and hiding on the back row of the kitchen chairs under the table while she swept the kitchen floor. And something about breaking my collar bone when I jumped off the bed one day in Diane’s room.]

I could write about my feelings about the Book of Mormon, and the fact that I can’t wait for the new study year. I’ve expounded [in my mind] discourses on this subject while thinking about it the last couple of weeks.[I really need to find some way to listen to the Book of Mormon every single day. Maybe Scott and Andie can help me with an iPod, or something, or an MP3 player.] [Is that the word?] [Maybe I’ll just get another CD player.]

I could write about the last week when Logan, Mikelle and Easton were here. Scary moments when he was hallucinating, bleeding, passing out, sweating like a wood stove and chilling at the same time. I could write about him taking everything off the bed and leaving it in a big pile in the middle of the night or that his head was going to explode if he laid down. [That all turned out good once we got him to the emergency room.]

I could write about my continuing struggles with weight. I could talk about my frustrations with eating healthy all day long and then blowing it about two hours before bed. Uggh. When will that ever end? Oh, wait! I know! When I am in a wheel chair and can’t reach to the top of the fridge! I could write about my lack of commitment to exercise — the real key to all of this. Just ask Mikelle. She’s been doing physical therapy for four months for her knee. She is rock hard! And although her official PT is over, she signed up for an extended program, ala Mother’s purse strings, so that she can continue to work out. They have given her a personalized, specific and individual group of workouts and she is constantly telling me she’d like to teach me what she’s learning. She is so addicted to being strong. I’m happy for her. She is 128 pounds!!!!!

I could, of course, write about crafts. I love them. I sit on my couch and just look around the room and admire them. I recount the memories associated with each one.” Oohhh, I made that one eight years ago and still love how it makes me feel about the Savior.” “Oh, that one is so adorable. I can’t believe I ever had the ability to think that up and actually make those to sell to people. Where did that come from? Heavenly Father has blessed me with talents that I so enjoy.” I had just put them all away last week, but I got a couple out again yesterday afternoon for two weddings coming up this week and next. My kitchen was clean and now it is piled over, again.

I could write about Stephen. He is so generous with his ample paycheck. He is always helping people out. People who use him don’t pay him back for his kindness. Some people who keep taking advantage of him who just show up when they need a loan. He is very fortunate to have a job at FMC and is having a lot of fun buying things that most kids his age can’t afford. But, he always ends up buying lunch or dinner for the whole crowd when they all go out. I know that shouldn’t annoy me. I should be proud that he is so unselfish and bighearted. He is such an adorable guy. I love looking at his face and remembering everything about him as he grew up. I can’t believe he is 6″4″ and has all that facial hair. I guess Moms just look at things like that a little differently than they do when they see their petite little girls growing up to be mothers. I do.

I could write about Annes. She is so stinking adorable! Some of the things that come out of her mouth! It makes me sad to think she could very well be the last sibling in her little family. Because, I would love one more just like her. Or two. That little girl has brought me so much joy, so many smiles, so many belly laughs. A few exasperations too! She can be a little stinker. I love when she calls and after a minute or two she says in her best official-office-assistant voice, “I will call you right back.” Yah, Grommer, I’ll get back to you when I can!

See, all of these could have turned into a post, but I just kept putting it off. It’s not like I didn’t try. I’d come to the computer and sit here and then check my email or facebook or try to shop on line, instead of posting. I could hear Tracy saying,”Mmmmmooommmm. It’s been eight days since you posted something.” Or, sometimes Carol emails me and says, “Hey is something the matter? I check for a post every day and just wondered if everything is OK.” So, by way of explanation, I just want to say I’ve tried. I have thought about it. I wish I could find my camera so that I could post some cool pictures of my brother sister party. [Mikelle!] I wish my weight were 140-141 so I could post about that. I wish I felt more inspired right now instead of busy. I wish I felt energetic instead of lazy.

So, although it’s not F&TM today, I kind of feel like it fits the pattern. Two weeks ago I spend the entire hour trying to hold myself in my seat and then bounded up the stairs to the podium just as the Bishop was starting to stand up. I embarrassed myself by talking about Christmas songs I had listened to on the radio the day before. It was so humiliating. You know how people come up to you after the closing prayer and say something like, “I really appreciate your testimony” or “Thank you for sharing your testimony.” Instead, people actually ran from me. They were afraid to let their eyes meet my eyes!

I must have really blown it! Such a crappy feeling when I do that. Kind of like how I’m feeling now. Ramble, ramble, ramble.

I just thought I’d explain all that.

One thought on “by way of explanation

  1. Tracy

    Loved this post.

    And remember the worth of your words nor the state of your heart are adequately measured by the response you get to your posts OR your testimony meeting sharing. I don’t believe you made a fool of yourself at all.

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