count on

Never thought I’d see the day when I thought 150 was pretty good. It’s acceptable for today. Um no.

These last couple of months have been absolutely awful for me. I have actually gotten clothes out of my DI boxes and had to wear them. Instead of a size 8-10, I’m, size 12-14.

I’m so disappointed in myself.

I’m the one that is supposed to be holding everything together. I have been for years! I’m the one who is responsible, who pays bills the second they appear. Who cleans up messes, disiplines the kids, cleans toilets and does laundry. I’m the one who studies my Sunday School lesson and researches a certain passage. I’m the one who shows up on time every single day. I’m the one who gets a perfect evaluation at work year after year. I’m the one who picks up the pieces and listens. I’m the one that loans money. I’m the one who makes the other one laugh and forget their pain, if only for a minute. I’m the one others can count on.

And, yet I can’t count on me.

I can’t even begin to explain how that feels from here.

But, just like every other day, recently, it’s a new day and I’m setting goals for this 24 hours. I’m thinking about what I can do that’s healthy. I’m optimistic.

I just want to have the same optimism at 7:00 tonight!

Heading to the gym right now . . . I don’t have to work until 10, so I’m getting out and doing something good right this very minute.

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