13
Mar

american journal

I may or may not have turned a corner yesterday! I feel like I did. And, I ate [fairly] healthy and exercised at the gym, so I think I did! And, the scale said I did, so I’m just going with it.

I did!

I had a teensy eensy epiphany over the weekend. My brain kept saying, “this behavior nets this result.” [Granted it had nothing to do with food, health or eating, but there was a distinct connection with what I saw and what was being done.] The phrase stuck in my brain! If I want a different result, I have to back up to the behavior part of it. I have to change the behavior. I can’t keep saying, oh this little bit won’t hurt, or, I’ll do better tomorrow, or, one cup of anything isn’t going to make that much difference. [Believe me, it does!]

And, I kept saying, “I want it to count for something.” I want what I do to last. To make a difference. To count! That phrase really stuck, as well.

My teensy eensy epiph finally made a connection with what I’m doing to myself. I realized that nothing I’ve ever done, health/food/eating – wise, has ever counted for anything. Never lasted, never made a difference.

Oh, I’ve tried just about every single thing listed in the American Journal for Trying to Diet.

I’ve brushed my teeth five times a day so I won’t eat. I’ve put dental floss in my teeth. I’ve put in teeth guards. I’ve put crappy-tasting stuff on my lips and tongue. I’ve promised I won’t eat after 5:00 or 6:00 or 7:00. I’ve said no carbs. I’ve said no sugar. I’ve said nothing white. I’ve tried loving myself. I’ve tried hating myself. I’ve said you big fat pig — stop eating, you! I’ve done WW and Diet Center and Adkins and starved and over-exercised. I’ve used diuretics and laxatives and thrown my guts up.

Yah, I’ve pretty much tried every single thing.

But I’ve never, ever, changed.

I’m at the exact same place as millions of other 60-year old women who have never dieted a day in their life — 15-20 pounds overweight. The same exact same place as millions of other 60-year old women who have never used a laxative or stuck their finger down their throat. I have absolutely nothing to show for 45 !years! of dieting and beating myself up over weight.

Yesterday, though, I had a good day. Now, if I could just put seven yesterdays in a row and string them all together, I’d have a good week.

I’ll let you know . . .

[PS: I don’t know why I’m bothering to have an epiphany now. I’ve known all this my entire life. If I were on Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader and the question was “What is the one most effective thing you can do to maintain a healthy weight?” I would know the answer is “Change behavior that doesn’t work.”]

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