life sucks today

It is absolutely gorgeous outside. Crisp. Blue, cloudless sky. Brilliant sunshine. Birds singing and an  owl hooting over at the park across the street. Two days ago we had a horizontal whiteout that left 3 inches of snow on the ground. Today, you’d never know it.

I want that.

I want to have an emotional horizontal whiteout and two days later have sunshine in my soul. I want to recover that quickly and that cleanly. [Is cleanly even a word?] I want to clear all the storms out and have them replaced with peace and beauty and freshness.

Trying to figure out what’s going on. I keep coming up with the same old things. And, really, I should be able to do something about it. I know ‘I have all the answer’s’ but what the heck am I doing with them? I have been stuck for over three months. I have been miserable for three months. Sure, I have a temporary reprieve, but then it all comes back.

My life just isn’t working for me right now.

That’s all.

I want something so different than this. I want my old self back. Wait. Maybe not my old self, maybe my young self. Anyway, the self I use to like. Love, even. Occasionally.

I keep wanting to take some pills for this. I keep wanting to wave a magic wand and have it over with. I keep wanting to purge it all out of me. I want a quick, easy, painless fix. And, I know that isn’t going to happen.

But, SOMETHING change, will you? I’m not sure how much more of miserable I can handle!

Is this what depressions feels like?