It is absolutely gorgeous outside. Crisp. Blue, cloudless sky. Brilliant sunshine. Birds singing and an owl hooting over at the park across the street. Two days ago we had a horizontal whiteout that left 3 inches of snow on the ground. Today, you’d never know it.
I want that.
I want to have an emotional horizontal whiteout and two days later have sunshine in my soul. I want to recover that quickly and that cleanly. [Is cleanly even a word?] I want to clear all the storms out and have them replaced with peace and beauty and freshness.
Trying to figure out what’s going on. I keep coming up with the same old things. And, really, I should be able to do something about it. I know ‘I have all the answer’s’ but what the heck am I doing with them? I have been stuck for over three months. I have been miserable for three months. Sure, I have a temporary reprieve, but then it all comes back.
My life just isn’t working for me right now.
I want something so different than this. I want my old self back. Wait. Maybe not my old self, maybe my young self. Anyway, the self I use to like. Love, even. Occasionally.
I keep wanting to take some pills for this. I keep wanting to wave a magic wand and have it over with. I keep wanting to purge it all out of me. I want a quick, easy, painless fix. And, I know that isn’t going to happen.
But, SOMETHING change, will you? I’m not sure how much more of miserable I can handle!
Is this what depressions feels like?