repenting is an all day job

So much for the euphoria of the past two days. I really did feel fabulous, directed, focused.

But, then comes along the smallest amount of stress [but, in this case, not so small — to me] and I start to feel like crap. I always seem to take stress and crap out on myself. Like I’m some kind of whipping board. My own whipping board, I guess.

A long time ago I took one of those long, overly-drawn-out personality tests. It was for work. It asked the same questions over and over with just a little difference in the wording of each question. It was like an intense interrogation. The kind that they ask you a question and they don’t believe your answer so they ask it a different way — to trip you up. I was so angry by the time the test was done.

My results were that my greatest fear in life was to be taken advantage of.

Really? How could that be my GREATEST fear? Wouldn’t being struck by lightening or tripping in the dark, or an intruder waiting in the house ready to slit my throat ever come to mind?

Nope. Being taken advantage of.

I have to say, over the years that that really does play an intense part of my life. I don’t understand how that test, so many years ago, could have predicted so precisely how I feel about being taken advantage of.

I’ve always said I don’t mind doing 50% of anything. Bring it on. I don’t mind paying half the bills, doing half the yard work, cleaning half of the house. I don’t mind contributing half to anything, but that 51% always kills me. It puts me right out of my mind. [Not to worry. It’s not that long of a trip.]

I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to give 100% when it’s warranted. I want to go the extra mile. I don’t want to ‘ledger’ people to death, always keeping score and always trying to stay even.

But, dang, I hate being taken advantage of!

One more thing to repent of . . . .

And, I don’t mind bartering. In fact, I love bartering. What a great concept — trading something of mine for something that someone else wants to trade. Tracy and her friends invented the bartering system! Then I could decide the value of something I have and determine if it is worth the same that someone else possesses.

There are days when hubby asks me to do something for him — something that is going to take me at least a couple of hours. And, I *jokingly* say, OK what are you going to do for me while I do that for you? And he ends up laying on his bed watching TV while I do him a favor.

Makes me want to scream all over!

I used to say to someone, “Want to trade a favor for a favor?” And they would decide if it was worth it. Often I’d say, “Want to trade two favors for a favor?” if it was something I really needed/wanted. And, it was still worth it to me.

I like to trade favors!

Last night Mikelle cleaned out my bathroom cupboard. I didn’t ask her to clean it out. I didn’t want her to clean it out. In fact, I said, “DON’T clean out my cupboards.” She said, “Try to be grateful. They need cleaned out.”

One more thing to repent of . . . .

2 thoughts on “repenting is an all day job

  1. Tracy

    Why do you think it is an issue for you? Were you taken advantage of as a child? Or was it an issue back then too?

    I think you are wonderful and am so grateful you are continuing on your path to hope and peace. Press onward…God is worth it.

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