20
May

falling

Well, I am falling into place. I am realizing I’m 61 years old and I’m not getting any younger. I’m feeling a little worn out and a little used up. Not a good feeling, altogether, but not necessarily bad, either. I’m feeling my age. I’m letting myself feel my age.

It’s kind of surprising to me. To feel the end of the road approaching. Hey, I’m not trying to solicit any sympathy or pity here. And, I know I’ve got a good 20 years or so! I’m not talking about years here. I’m just saying that a few things are changing, I’m very aware of them, and they are something that I actually feel. FEEL. Physically and emotionally. It doesn’t do any good to ignore or deny those feelings. I’m just letting them come to the surface and experiencing them for what they really are. Sure, there are some regrets and measurable sorrow. Most of the time I recognize mistakes I’ve made. I see many things that came as consequence of my choices. I stare in the face of reality every single day. I feel the aloneness I’ve built for myself. I feel the boundaries and the self-imposed isolation. I listen to the quiet. I hear the body language.

Yah, I messed up.

Sometimes, I think . . . if it’s like this at 60, what will it be like at 65 or 70?

Hey, on the other hand . . . [see I don’t let myself stay in that place too long] . . .

[Distracting myself]

On the other hand, it’s a beautiful Sabbath morning and I am heading to our Stake Conference, so full of anticipation for a wonderful experience. Last night’s meeting was marvelous, of course. Brother Keyes, Darla Eyre and Molly Thigpin gave talks full of emotion, inspiration and faith. The music was amazing. Brother Hamblin played and sang ‘A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief.’ Beautiful!!! [Tears flowing all around.] I saw so many good friends and neighbors. Lot’s of hugs and friendly back-slaps going on. I love Conference!

I’m taking lots of cough drops, lots of Puffs Plus and lots of water in case I go into another hacking craze.