totally gripless

This past week has been an e.d.u.c.a.t.i.o.n. for me!

Education. For. Me.

However you say it, it’s been full of aha’s, crying, enlightening, looking in the mirror and speaking honestly to myself, prayers, temple attendance, and thinking and rehashing.

First things first. I got back up to 154 by the beginning of last week. I was so full of hatred, shame, blaming, self-loathing and disgust for myself. It’s familiar ground. Although it’s not my favorite place to be, it a place that I recognize and have come to almost accept. I tried to post about it but found it futile to be honest and ended up joking around.

Then I watched the Dr. Oz show on binge eating.

Binge Eating Disorder is categorized by a few defining factors. The first is the consumption of large quantities of food in discrete periods of time. Large quantities can be somewhat subjective, however; think of this as an amount that is considerably more than what most people would eat within a similar amount of time under the same circumstances. Second, it is characterized by a person feeling a loss of control while eating. They will often report feeling like they are unable to stop even if they wanted to. Many people describe starting to eat and then losing sense of time and place, feeling “zoned out” or disconnected from the experience. Third, people suffering from Binge Eating Disorder experience an overwhelming sense of shame and/or guilt after the binge. Often, the person will eat in private due to the shame they feel about their behaviors. Depression, guilt, embarrassment and disgust are all common feelings associated with binge eating behaviors.

The clear and defining quality of someone suffering with BED versus someone who has an unhealthy tendency of overeating at times is the marked distress that they feel during and after the binge. Binge eaters feel guilt, shame, depression and disgust sometimes during and always after a binge. This distress is different from simply feeling like you wish you hadn’t eaten that much; it is a powerful and debilitating emotion that perpetuates the binge cycle.

Ummm, yah. [In fact, oh my heck HELLO!]

He showed the stomach cavity and all the organs of a healthy person. Then he showed what happens to the size of the stomach of a binge eater. It scared me to death! Scared me to DEATH!

Then, I just happened on to the Katie Couric show. Never seen it before. Never heard of it before. But for “some reason” it caught my attention. It was on Food Addiction. There is a link on Katie’s site over to Dr. Pam Peeke’s [the special guest] site where a little quiz is found.

HELLO, again. TOTALLY cried a lot after that quiz! Go ahead . . . take it. It only takes one minute.


Just more information on something I already know. I mean, seriously, after spending the most part of 45 years trying to deal with my totally-unhealthy relationship with food, this new information was like looking into a mirror at Circus Ringling Bros. Totally bizarre, totally warped, yet somehow familiar and shockingly painful.

It was at once, comforting to have others talking and dealing with the same thing I deal with. And, yet it was embarrassing and shameful to have others talking and dealing with the same thing I deal with. I remember the first time I ever heard the word bulimia spoken out loud. It was twenty five years ago on the Oprah show. I had no idea it had a name. I had no idea anyone else did that. [Thankfully I’m over that period of my life . . .]

The good part of all this is that I have had five really, really good days. I’ve exercised and eaten healthy [mostly]. I’m back to 150. So far from where I want to be. The bad part is that I know from YEARS of past experience that I can hold on to about five good days. That’s it. It is such a devastating cycle.

Oh, wait . . . . I don’t actually expect anyone ‘out there’ to understand this. I get that when you say, just stop, or get a grip, or pray harder, that you mean well. I get that you want me to have a great week. I get that it tires you of hearing about my ups and downs and my successes and failures. I get that I have been writing about the same 10-15 pounds for three years. Yes. I get that.

But, I’m processing. I’m trying to be honest with myself. I’m trying to figure this out. I’m trying to stop. I’m trying to pray more. But I don’t even come close to having a grip.


One thought on “totally gripless

  1. tracy

    That description just opened my mind to understanding you! I have never really understood the shame and guilt because when I eat a lot of food I don’t have a bit of guilt. I may have stomach cramps or too tight of pants, but no guillt. Now I see a different perspective. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    Love you.

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