catching up

It’s time. Well-past time. I admit it. But, I don’t even know where to start. It seems like a world ago — a lifetime ago – since I have taken the time to post. Taken the time to clear my mind of all else and written down my thoughts. Taken the time to be honest with myself. Taken the time to put things down on ‘paper.’ Don’t get me wrong. I’ve thought about posting quite often. I’ve been in ‘compose mode’ for most of this past month. I’ve day-dreamed whole posts from start to finish. I’ve even day-dreamed comments back from people.

It’s been a whole month! And, I’ve had several reminders. Several emails saying, “What’s going on?! It’s been ten days. It’s been 17 days. It’s been a month . . .” Yah, I know. I’ve been avoiding. There are so many things I don’t want to write about. So many things I can’t write about. So many things I shouldn’t write about. So many things I’m ashamed to write about. So the safest thing for me has been to avoid.

I just pretend that things are peachy.

Weight-wise this past month I’ve been as high as 155 and as low as 147. I’ve been abusing, using, binging, coping with food. All the norm for me. My emotions have been a cliche roller-coater. My skin has broken out. My sleep has been disruptive. My friendships have suffered. Even my boss came to my workplace and told me I need to be more “professional” which evolved into a backlash of me being defensive and going to everyone and over-explaining the entire situation. Telling everyone how I wasn’t unprofessional, it was everyone else!!!

So, yes, I’ve been avoiding.

But, it’s the holiday season. It’s Christmastime and I don’t want to get into all of that on here. I don’t want a public record of my dysfunction. It’s the time for musicals, plays and operas, just not my soap opera!

But, seriously, this funk has affected my whole life.

For instance, we had my brother/sister party on December 1st. I should have been excited. I should have been looking forward to it. I should have been at my goal-weight. I wasn’t. I sat between two sisters with a plastic smile pasted on my face. I listened to the conversations and looked around at each individual sibling and wondered how we all got this way. I looked at my three brothers and five sisters and saw pain, loss, suffering and disappointment. I remembered my dad struggling with the inability to show affection and saw how that had permeated my own life. I saw sadness.

Of course, I’ve heard [it seems] a thousand times this week — every talk show host and news commentator seems to have said this past month — how we give off a certain vibe and that’s what we get back. We have an emotion, a feeling, it causes a vibe or a ripple to go out, it bounces off others and comes right back to us. I had all those feelings inside of me and they rippled out so, of course,  that’s exactly what I got back.

I need to buck up and get over everything that’s been making me sad, frustrated, hurt, blue [grey actually.] I so want to enjoy the holiday season. I want to visit with family and friends and enjoy memories made long ago. I want to feel the Spirit in my life and to celebrate all goodness. I want to be making memories! I want to play Rook! I want to make fudge and divinity and pinoche. I want to celebrate!

Today is the Sabbath and I need a new beginning. I need to have [another] do-over. Because I have seen such goodness in people and I want to feel goodness in me.

[Just a side note here. Up there a couple of paragraphs I was writing about the brother/sister party and I had some very harsh mean things going on. I had typed it all out and then my computer froze. I lost all of it. The amazing thing is. . . not once, but three times. Three times I wrote some very terrible things and three times the Lord froze it and made it disappear. I can’t not know that is a blessing! It would have been devastating to have hit the Publish button with all of that meanness and just plain garbage in here.]

I got up early this morning and I’ve gotten almost everything wrapped and ready to mail. I’ve listened to some wonderful music and I have to say my emotions have settled a bit and my mood has changed for the better.

I’ve had a couple of RAK that I’d like to write about. But, that’s for another day.  I’ll do better!