change of focus

I’ve been in the Worlds biggest funk. The world’s longest funk. I’ve been funky for about a year now . . . a WHOLE DANG YEAR!

[I just looked up the definition of funk and found that it means a myriad of things, from a dank smell —  to a type of dancing —  to a feeling of being depressed or overwhelmed by anxiety or fear  — to a cowering fear or state of great fright or terror.

I can honestly say that that’s not what I’m talking about. At. All. I don’t smell. I rarely dance. I don’t think I’m overwhelmed by anxiety or fear. And cowering, I do not . . .

But, yes, it’s been a long hard year. [No sympathy, please. That’s not at all where I’m heading.]

It’s the first year in a long time that I haven’t even for a day reached any sort of health,wellness or weight-related goal. I’ve basically caved on myself. Over and Over and Over. And OVER! And that, my friend, is a really crappy feeling. Seriously. To know that I don’t value my health,wellness or weight-related goals enough to have even a single day of success. I have spend an entire year saying, “I’ll do it tomorrow..” Then all those clever phrases come to mind . .

If you don’t have time for wellness, when will you ever find time for sickness? Things like that. Here’s another: If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?

I have spent a whole year doubting myself, doubting my commitment, doubting my strength, doubting my ability. Doubting me. And, it has paid of big. Paid off in no commitment, no strength, no ability and no me. Not the me I want to be. Not the me I have been and want to be again.

So. I’ve avoided this place. I’ve avoided posting anything. I’m so tired of talking and thinking and living for food, numbing, stuffing, bingeing, purging, crying, pretending, smiling through it all. I am so tired of thinking OK, here we go. We can do this. Let’s give it our best. Let’s get over this ‘plateau.’ Let’s find the next miracle. Let’s do it THIS time. Let’s watch Dr. Oz and really, really try. Let’s starve. Let’s exercise until we drop. Let’s join the gym. Let’s join with friends who are doing the Biggest Loser. Let’s, what . . . . Let’s do anything and everything to get back to normal. To get back to me.

I seriously have given up on that ever happening. And that leaves a very hollow, a very lonely, a very sad place right in the middle of me. BUT! Life goes on so you have to go through all those fake smiles and laughs and joking around so that everyone else thinks you’re fine. Because you really don’t want to draw attention to yourself and you don’t want to talk about it and you for sure don’t want anyone’s sympathy or pity.

And, by ‘you’ . . . I, of course mean ‘me.’

Tracy made and gave gratitude journals for Christmas. She worked very hard on them. She beat herself up because they weren’t as perfect and beautiful as the ones she had envisioned. She called and called and called with questions about Microsoft word, and how do you get a line instead of a dash, and how can she make this last page disappear. She was at the printer until 3:30 on Christmas Eve . . . even though they closed at 2 p.m. She really poured her heart and soul into this project.

For me.

So that I could think of gratitude. So that I could look outside of myself. So that I could seek the Lord. So that I could stop imploding on myself. So that I could pray again. So that I could find happiness and peace. She did all that for me. [OK, and another 20 of her closest friends.]

I have thought so much about gratitude. And, although I left my journal on the top of her bookcase and haven’t been able to write in that journal, I have committed to being better at feeling grateful.

Here’s what she wrote . . .

2013 Gratitude Journal

Every day, write down at least one thing you are grateful for . . . a tender mercy, a relationship, a kindness, an answered prayer, a trial, a gift, a sunrise, a hug. Anything.
Each Fast Sunday spend time writing in your gratitude journal and doing the exercise for the month.

 I pray you will grown closer to God, truth and the love that surrounds you.

I love you,

January 1 Seasons: snow, sunshine, spring flowers, warm fall days
January 2 Family. Definitely children and grandchildren. My mother.
January 3 The Book of Mormon. All the truths. All the prophets.
January 4 My good friend, Becky Davidson
January 5 My talents. I’ve been blessed with talents that bring me great joy.
January 6 For quiet, alone, peaceful time [like today]


You know what? This feels good. I can hardly wait until I get my real journal so I can write in it. I can hardly wait to write down tomorrow’s thing I’m grateful for. I can hardly wait to write today [fast Sunday] about this month’s lesson.