18
Sep

fair-weather blogger

My heck. I am avoiding. It’s been 18 days since I last posed. I’m as transparent as I could possibly be. Sheesh. I’m such a fair-weather blogger!

I wrecked Hubby’s work truck. He swore at me and used the F word. I hate that! My insurance won’t cover it; I have to pay the full amount out of pocket. His employers have a fleet insurance with no deductible. There goes Christmas money I’ve saved all year!  It’s like a kick in the head in the emotional department

I have been slipping in the spirituality department. No prayers, no scriptures. Just obsessed with the Mormon Channel and Church History. Love it, but I have been pretending that can take the place of study and communion. NOT. The longer I go without praying, the harder it is to do it. I’ve gone to the temple pretty regularly, and thank goodness for those moments of peace and comfort and service and ‘normal.’

Of course, physically, I’m a wreck. I keep making excuses in that area, too. Part of me says, Hey I’m 62 years old and don’t need to keep doing this. Part of me keeps remembering how hard it was for Mom to get around and how impossible it was for anyone else to get her around. I remember when she fell in Carol’s bathroom and they had to cut out the wall to get her out. Seriously! I remember when I hurt my back trying to help her. I think I remember Carol hurting her knee trying to get Mom up. I can’t be there and can’t be that. Gotta get going in the physical department.

So, it seems like the only place left is the mental/intellectual department and we really can’t even have an intellectual conversation about that! I say things I don’t want to say, like broccoli instead of closet. “I need to run to my custodial broccoli and get some Pledge!”

Yep, I’m a mess. How does a person go about getting motivated to change things. How does a person get motivated to get up off the couch or walk away from the fridge or get on her knees or look in the mirror?

It’s a nasty cycle. It comes and goes as frequently as the full moon. I recognize it when it’s on its way toward my life and just need to figure out a way to keep ‘it’ from taking over and laying me out flat.

I KNOW it’s exercise. I KNOW it’s endorphins. I KNOW it’s eating healthy. SHEESH!

Mikelle has been exercising this summer. She is down to 121 pounds! She makes time for a run or a workout every day. She feels good. She looks fantastic! She encourages me to do ‘something’! But I ignore her. I KNOW this stuff. I have testified about the difference exercise/eating healthy has done for me. I’ve run a Diet Center, Weight Watchers, taught DanceFit. I’ve been on top of the world. I’ve been a size 6! I’ve run a 10K. I KNOW what feeling great feels like! I also know what it feels like to not be able to look in the mirror. I know what if feels like to struggle to fit into a size 14. I know what it feels like to eat a half gallon of ice cream in one sitting , , , or 6 candy bars . , , , a dozen glazed donuts.

It feels like crap!

I have prayed. PRAYED! I feel ridiculous praying about my weight struggles. I mean, there are so many other more important things in life.

And I really dislike debbie-downer posts. So I avoid. I’ve looked back and I have about seventy of these posts. Then, amazingly, about two weeks later, I have a series of uplifting posts. Cyclic times a gazillion. My whole life. So tired of it.

OK. . . . . . . . . . .

Well, I HAVE exercised three times this week. No four. I started on Sunday and today is Wednesday. I ate a bunch of veggies. I didn’t snack like a Bohemian. [I don’t know, do Bohemian’s gorge?] So I’ve got a foundation. I’m trying to dress nicely for work. I’m washing my face before bedtime. I’m taking a few extra steps to love myself. This is hard work!!! It’s hard to love myself when I feel unlovable.

But it’s a start. I’ll check back in if I get anywhere with this.