just the motions

I’ve spend the last couple of months mad. Seriously mad. At God. I have had a hard time reconciling all the things happening in our lives and it’s been difficult to really appreciate religion or prayer or belief. And I’m afraid it is starting to show. I quit praying a while ago. I mean really praying — believing. I know this is a trial of my faith and I think [hope] I will eventually snap out of it, but for right now I am not believing, and I’m hardly even hoping anymore.

Its not a good place to be.

I went to the temple three or four times in November and I felt the spirit. Tracy had given me a pile of about 50 initiatory to do and I really did feel something on those days. I poured my heart out in the Celestial Room. People kept handing me tissues as they walked by. I felt that day.

And I went two times in December [I think] and felt something. So I know I’m not beyond feeling.

Lots of days since, though, I feel numb. I don’t feel.

Now we are experiencing something else that is very private — so I won’t go into detail here — but it is also very numbing. I’m so concerned about two of my children. I hurt so much for them and after years of praying for them, [years!!!] I don’t understand why their lives aren’t almost perfect. That’s why I am not having an easy time believing. I feel like my constant prayers on their behalf have nearly jinxed them. I mean [my reasoning — faulty I’m sure –] if I pray with all my heart for these two children  . . . and those prayers aren’t answered, in fact things only get worse . . . then perhaps I should stop praying. In fact, if things remain the same whether I pray or not . . .

And try this on. If things get worse when I pray, what am I left to conclude?

I feel like I’m in some kind of warp. I want to believe. I want to have faith. I want to pray. I want to feel the spirit. I want to see God’s hand in fixing my two. But I’m not. I only see them suffer. More. And more.

I want to be an example of faith to my family. To my children. But I am going through the motions right now. Just the motions.

2 thoughts on “just the motions

  1. Me (cgg)

    Oh how I wish you lived by me. I wish I could talk to you every day and walk with you, and put my arms around you and love you and help you. Just like I’m sure you did for me when I was little.

  2. jessica

    I hope you’re feeling better. It can be so frustrating when we pray with faith for something and get something else entirely. I like the talk by Neal A. Maxwell that is called “Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds” (total Maxwell title, no?) In it is the quote you often see tossed around (though misquoted a lot):

    Faith also includes trust in God’s timing[.]

    And this:

    Blessed are the meek for they shall not be easily offended, which is especially important, since “My people must be tried in all things, … and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” (D&C 136:31.)

    Genuine faith makes increasing allowance for these individual tutorials. In view of these tutorials, God cannot, brothers and sisters, respond affirmatively to all of our petitions with an unbroken chain of “yeses.”

    I’d realllly like an unbroken chain of yeses. :)

    I don’t know the other struggles of which you speak, but I of course know Tracy’s. Despite our hopes, her life’s path on earth may simply not include a miraculous healing. Part of whatever she might need or her children and family might need to experience here in God’s wisdom may have a lot to do with living through this struggle. We can hope and pray for healing, but the bigger test is continuing to have faith when the Lord says “Not yet,” or “in the next life, my sweet daughter.”

    A year or so ago, I was trying to talk to Tracy about putting wood floors in her house to prepare for the eventual possibility that she might need a wheelchair. She hated this conversation, and said that she felt like planning for the worst meant that she was turning her back on her faith in healing. That’s not how it works at all. We can continue to hope and pray for miraculous healing while also learning how to cope and taking steps towards coping in the meantime. They are not mutually exclusive things. I have all the faith in the world that my particular set of trials will eventually end, but I still went out and got a handicapped parking pass for the interim. :)

    Anyway. Rambling. Hope that helps and isn’t annoying. xo

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