I’ve spend the last couple of months mad. Seriously mad. At God. I have had a hard time reconciling all the things happening in our lives and it’s been difficult to really appreciate religion or prayer or belief. And I’m afraid it is starting to show. I quit praying a while ago. I mean really praying — believing. I know this is a trial of my faith and I think [hope] I will eventually snap out of it, but for right now I am not believing, and I’m hardly even hoping anymore.
Its not a good place to be.
I went to the temple three or four times in November and I felt the spirit. Tracy had given me a pile of about 50 initiatory to do and I really did feel something on those days. I poured my heart out in the Celestial Room. People kept handing me tissues as they walked by. I felt that day.
And I went two times in December [I think] and felt something. So I know I’m not beyond feeling.
Lots of days since, though, I feel numb. I don’t feel.
Now we are experiencing something else that is very private — so I won’t go into detail here — but it is also very numbing. I’m so concerned about two of my children. I hurt so much for them and after years of praying for them, [years!!!] I don’t understand why their lives aren’t almost perfect. That’s why I am not having an easy time believing. I feel like my constant prayers on their behalf have nearly jinxed them. I mean [my reasoning — faulty I’m sure –] if I pray with all my heart for these two children . . . and those prayers aren’t answered, in fact things only get worse . . . then perhaps I should stop praying. In fact, if things remain the same whether I pray or not . . .
And try this on. If things get worse when I pray, what am I left to conclude?
I feel like I’m in some kind of warp. I want to believe. I want to have faith. I want to pray. I want to feel the spirit. I want to see God’s hand in fixing my two. But I’m not. I only see them suffer. More. And more.
I want to be an example of faith to my family. To my children. But I am going through the motions right now. Just the motions.