numero uno killer

I don’t know what is going on!!! I can’t believe I’ve posted several times in one week! It’s almost like the olden days when I felt motivated — driven, even. Well, I’m not exactly driven but I do feel more motivated than I have felt for a while. About a year, I’m guessing. Yes, I’ll say it again, 2015 was the year I totally neglected myself. I think I actually might have been on the verge of depressed, despondent, despairing. [Actually, if you know me at all, you know I’ve had good reason . .] I remember saying to the hubster one day, Sheesh! You’ve been depressed for twenty years . . . can’t I have at least one year of depression for myself! So, anyway. I guess I had it. And I’m really not any better-off for indulging in that little obnoxious endeavor. I hope that’s out of my system.

So, sometime in November I started having chest pains. I leaned over one day to tie my shoes and there was this stabbing, painful, scary jolt zapping through my heart. It was kind of in my heart area. It could have been lungs, breasts, shoulder, duodenum. I tried to avoid bending over like that again. But later in the day I leaned over to pick up something off the hall floor at work and jab-ouch-stab-lightning bolt-pain again! It definitely had my attention. The next day the same thing happened. And, I’m telling you it was enough to get me to a doctor. I had an EKG, a pretty thorough exam, a l.o.n.g. talk about health-wellness-weight-chest pains-age-eating right . . . all the things I should have been paying attention to for the last two years but didn’t because it was my turn to be depressed about, seriously, everything.

During the week I tried to listen to my body more. I actually moved very slowly and tuned in to everything I was feeling, physically. Every little pain scared me. Not only that! Everyone seemed to be talking about the fact that heart disease was the numero uno killer last year! It was on the news, talk shows, advertisements, in the newspaper! I kept picturing myself in a casket and people walking by shaking their heads like, ‘What a waste! What a shame! She should have known better! She was way too young to die.’ And that was when I realized I had to make a change, a BIG one!

Because, I really started thinking about my obit! And what I should wear in the casket and if Mikelle would be doing my hair and make-up. Ugh!!!

l made it through the holidays OK and on the 27th I paid a hefty amount of my hard-earned greens for a year membership to Bradshaw’s Gym. Now that’s commitment! And I have gone every single day except Sunday’s for going on three weeks! I really think that’s why I’m feeling a little better. I haven’t lost a pound and I haven’t lost an inch, well maybe one or two somewhere if you add all the teensy quarter-inches together . .

Wait, that was totally a lie, because I can at least get my pants zipped up to the top and fastened, so I must have lost something. I have been using a rubber band to loop through the button hole and back around the button for so long and, now I am actually using the button how it was meant to be used.

Hey, so there’s that.

But mostly, I just feel better. Hard to explain. I don’t want to post about it, I don’t want to go into food diaries and exercise notes or lists. Because that just gets me all hyped up and then when I fail in another week or month, I’ll hit rock bottom again and turn to all the fudge in the freezer. Don’t want to do that. Don’t want to go there. Don’t want to be that person.

So anyhoo . . . That’s my health scare and an update of why I felt like posting again the last week or so.

Kind of anti-climatic. Wish I had a joke or a big send-off or something. But no. It’s just the end of the post.