numb and number [no, not as in 1,2,3]

Life continues to get a little crazier but I am getting more and more able to cope with an abundance of seriously bizarre happenings. All I can say is that I’ve been able to look at everything as if I’m having an out of body experience. It’s as though I am floating above looking at my life with an odd sense of distance, distortion and peace.

Every single night the hubs works until wee hours on the cabinets. He decided to redo them because “he just couldn’t stand to look at them anymore.” Granted, they are filthy. Granted, I have neglected them for years. Granted, I have no motivation or dedication to being a housewife and taking care of things at home. Granted I have been depressed, miffed and unresponsive to a plethora of promptings. I’m basically a pig. There, I said it. I’ve given up on being neat and tidy for a variety of reasons, one of which is that nothing ever stays clean! I’m rebelling. I’m tired of cleaning and a day later having dog hair and cat hair and footprints, and oil and grass in the house. I’m done.

Back to the kitchen. Hubs has been sanding, staining, painting. I get up at 4:10 each morning to get ready for work and he is just going to bed. I’ve walked into the kitchen for two weeks now and each morning another drawer or cupboard is emptied onto the floor or cabinet. The back door has been wide open several times. I’ve seen the new hardware on the newly finished surfaces and I just plain marvel. Why? Because a set of four drawers, for instance, with four new handles should be measured and centered, Right? Not. Because a bottom cupboard should have the handle at the top and not at the bottom, three inches from the floor. Right? Not. Seriously, three inches! I mean do I get down on my hands and knees and open the cupboard and then stand up to get things out? Or just tuck my toe into the handle and pull forward? I’m so amazed at the mistakes. I’m amazed at the rage. I’m amazed at the daze. I’m amazed at the total lack of conversation. I’m amazed that I can laugh my head off about how totally bizarre my life has become in the past year.

And how completely unmotivated I am to do anything at all about it. I’m numb and number. Wait, is that a movie? I’m disillusioned. I’m in a total fog sometimes. I’m just floatin’ on through the day. Going through the motions. Going to bed at 6:30 at night just to avoid the messy reality that is mine.

Not to worry, though. I’m still functioning perfectly well in the ‘other’ part of my life. It really is like having two lives. Everyday I go to work and take care of my job and responsibilities. I converse and interact in a professional and friendly manner. I have friends there! I can laugh and joke and yet be serious when I need to be. I am prepared, ahead of schedule, on time. I hold it all together. Everyday [or most days] I stop at the gym after work and do something cardio for 40 minutes and I lift weights every other day. Afterward, I sit in the warm car in the sun and read. I study my Book of Mormon curriculum. I go to the temple. I totally rock it somedays! And then I go home and turn into this completely different person who is just trying to get through the rest of the day without causing any commotion.

And that, my friends is the fodder of Edgar Allen Poe, or just maybe Dr. Seuss!


Everything stinks.

One thought on “numb and number [no, not as in 1,2,3]

  1. Tracy

    Oh my goodness, that sounds mind-boggling and crazy making. I want you to know God loves you infinitely and abundantly. I love you. Keep enduring.

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