8
Apr

apart

Dang. I have tried lots of things today. I’ve written a couple of posts and then deleted them. One was on the podcasts that I find interesting right now . . Shawn Stevenson and Shalene Johnson.

One post was on trying to build healthy habits, based on a podcast I had recently heard.

One was on everything wrong with my life right now.

One was on [and I was trying waaay too hard for this one] everything right in my life right now.

I’m trying to be positive and optimistic and upbeat and all those other words I could find in any thesaurus. I’m trying to live outside of reality. I’m trying to wear rosey glasses and live in gratitude. But dang, I’m having a hard time. The only thing I really look forward to each day is going to work, going to the gym and watching TV or reading by myself. The other day [Thursday] I spent 5 hours at the cemetery reading a book in the car. And I loved it! I didn’t want to go home. I parked near a pine tree for the shade factor — it was a beautiful sunshine-y almost hot day. And I watched people come and go as they visited loved ones and Spring cleaned their plots. I listened to birds and even saw a deer. I took a 20-minute nap and reveled in the joy of having sunshine on my face. But let me tell you, living in your car is not all it’s cracked up to be!

I want to go home after work, I just don’t want to fight, or talk, or listen or feel. I don’t want to see or realize. I don’t want to be.

So, I find a park or an alcove or a cemetery and read. Or sleep. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t do that every single day because one day last week I went home, went straight to my bedroom and climbed into bed. At 4:00! I read and slept and cried. So pathetic, I know.

I try to copy and paste every single uplifting and meaningful meme that I see — for later reference. And there are days I scan through the pictures on my phone and read all of them. It helps. It does. I try to think of better times. I rehearse the things I’m grateful for and there are many many many of them. I try to pray. I try to think about amazing wonderful memories. I try to connect with my kiddos. I try. But holy smack I’m right in the middle of falling apart.