taxes again

It took everything I had to get myself to church yesterday. I would have loved to stay home in bed and read a book. I’ve not been sleeping well and have, in fact, depended on a sleeping pill more often than not to get me some ZZZs lately. I just seem to toss all night long, and each time I open my eyes to see If I’m actually still awake, the lights on the digital are clearly only about 20 minutes later than the last time I looked. So I would have gladly stayed home.

But I did get there and I spread out my things to make sure I was safely boundaried off on both sides when, sheesh, Alan and Jane Jaggi came and scooted past me on my ‘reserved’ row. After a few minutes Jane turned to me and said, how are you? I was speechless. I couldn’t summon the words to say anything but came up with, Oh heck, I’m OK!! She looked into my eyes and said, Oh? Just OK?  It took me a few seconds to roll that over in my mind and I said, Ya, that’s what I am today. Just OK. She moved toward me and said, Need a hug? And I actually shrank away. I said, No, no that’s OK. She hugged  me anyway and it was a.w.k.w.a.r.d!

Holy Smack!

I did bear my testimony with only a few minutes to go and told the cute conversation that Easton had with his Mom last week:

Mikelle [watching the beginning pictures on KSL] explaining to 5yo Easton about Conference: “So, there’s the Conference Center where gramma went this morning, and look, there’s the Prophet, President Monson!”

Easton: “WO! You mean the Prophet goes to OUR CHURCH!!! And gramma is THERE??! Wow! Just wow! Super cool!!!”

It was a short testimony but heartfelt. I struggled. And then when it was time for Sunday School I really had to talk myself out of just heading for the car. My heck. I feel like I’m spiraling. I did leave right after Gospel Doctrine and drove to Mikelle’s. [Nobody’s home there; they are in Logan, so I had an hour to myself.]

When I got home from church, I went to my room and got in bed and stayed there most of the rest of the night. I can’t say I slept! At 12:30 this morning I finally got up and took a pill. I’ve rehearsed and prayed and cried and pleaded and just can’t get to where I feel peaceful about anything. And today after work we are meeting at Angie’s to decide about taxes.

That’s what started this whole thing and it might be what ends it all.