ups and downs. wait, mostly downs

I’ve been listening to an ebook on DB called Recovering Charles. It’s about family dynamics after the mother’s death from prescription drugs. The once highly successful architect father goes on a ten-year drunk and the son, a famous photographer in his own right, deals with the aftermath. Oh my goodness it is an emotional ride.


I find myself just weeping as I listen. I find myself feeling more deeply than I have let myself feel. It seems so long since I let emotion control my day. It’s been a long time since I was able to put myself in another’s place. And boy howdy it’s raw.

I’ve had a shell, a fence, a ton of layers all around me for so long. I’ve pushed down feelings and turned away from humanness. *huge sigh*

I’m afraid to let go, to give in, to rise up, to reach across. I don’t want/need more hurt. I don’t wan’t/need vulnerability.

So, I keep myself all knotted up as hard as a rock. Pushing people away, going through the motions of living, without any of the growth, happiness and joy. I have plenty of superficial relationships. Facebook. Work. I connect with TV series, Blacklist, The Good Wife, Scandal. I read.

I’m missing so much.

And last night I totally binged. I stuffed all my feelings way down deep and ate like I’ve been in a cave for three weeks. Huge salad, two bowls of soup, two slices of bread. Ugh.

It’s a new day. And I want to have a new life. I’m so worn out. Depression is just around the corner. I feel her breathing down my neck.