8
Jan

it will be me!

It’s Sunday. One of my very favorite days. I’m sick today. I’ve had a couple of little ‘accidents’ and now my stomach is hurting. I don’t know if I should try going to church, because I’m thinking everything is going to be coming up, or coming out. You get the picture. Ugh.

I’ve been studying the Gospel Doctrine lesson this week. We’re on lesson 2 and the main purpose of this week’s study is to help us me feel the powerful witness of the Savior that comes through the Doctrine and Covenants and to help strengthen my testimony of the Savior’s Atonement.

I’ve been reading the DC from start to finish this year — starting back in September and I’m reading with David Ridges’ commentary. It has been so fascinating to read the historical context with each section. I’ve learned and felt much! It’s something I look forward to at lunchtime each day.

Although I’ve had a particularly difficult time actually feeling the Savior’s love for moi [as stated many times previous, I’m sure it’s connected with not being able to feel my own father’s love] I do recognize his love for the people I am studying about. I can hear and feel his love and concern and his patient guiding and teaching. I want to feel that same thing in my own life, but I am a little left of center on that one.

But . . . and this is a big but . . I do actually believe that there is purpose in my life and there are reasons [that I don’t fully comprehend] for my life to be a hot prickly mess right now. Although my own choices played a huge role in where I am, I believe the Lord is aware of me and has helped me to navigate through this struggle and has growth and happiness in store.

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I want, so much, to feel peace and quiet and wholeness. I want mindful intentional deliberate growth. I love those three words together. Even when everything is falling apart around me, I believe that I can still grow and learn and attain. Something will grow from all of this and it will be me.