7
Jan

people ask me all the time

Wow, I just had to erase and start over. I was on a bit of a downward spiral and then realized there was no point in going there. What is, is. The last two years happened. I’ve read at least a couple dozen quotes about how life in the past can’t change the future. Here’s one . .

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I kind of wish the word ‘the’ was in there somewhere, but I like this one. Believe me, there are hundreds. So, I was wondering, really, am I making the future better or am I just hovering here? Everyday is such a disappointment in so many ways. When reality hits me, I think what am I doing? Why am I here? I’m so disgusted! But, then I reason things out and pretty much come up with the same answers. I want to be here in my home. I want to work while I still can. I want to be near family. I want to continue associating with the friends, neighbors, ward members that I have grown to love. I want to be able to attend my own ward. I want to keep doing the things that bring me joy. I don’t want to feel displaced. I don’t want to live in someone else’s home. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to miss the things that have given meaning to my life.

This morning I got up early to go to the temple, I showered, dressed, got ready. The car won’t start. The temperature is -20 and the last two days have taken a toll on my battery. The night before was -35 degrees, and I had to call for a ride to work, and then later for help with my car. So . . I’ll either wait and try again, or change back into sweats and do something else. I’m trying to be quiet so I don’t wake up L. I really hate even being in the same house, so when he’s here, I stay in my room or downstairs.

How did I get here? What is it I need to learn? What is it I need to do? I see people all around me who are suffering in so many ways . . much worse than anything I’ve ever suffered. And in comparison, I have little to complain about. They are hurting, physically . . they are sick and broken and have enormous medical bills. They have lost loved ones. They have lost faith….

I have faith. I believe in God’s plan. I believe He can do more with my life than I can, and so I’ve tried to listen and follow and do. I can only do what I can do and believe me, some days I barely get through the day. But other days are wonderful and nearly perfect.

So I keep hanging in. Until I have a huge, undeniably obvious prompting to do something different. People ask me all the time why I am still here. Why don’t I leave? I don’t bother to explain to them anymore. I smile and think . . all of these thoughts over and over and over.