4
Feb

lawyer, finally

I’m finally seeing a lawyer. I’ve put this off for years. There were so many times back in the 90’s the 2000’s and even ten years ago. There were times in 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, that I was sure things were going to end. I’ve finally had waaay too much of a really sick, destructive, cyclical, abusive, depressing, life-shattering relationship.

On a daily basis I reasoned things weren’t really “that bad.” I’d go to work early, working anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. I have a job with a little responsibility . . head custodian. I make decisions and direct people. I work lots of 10 and 12-hour days. I’d come home, watch a little TV, talk to my kids, and go to bed. I enjoyed and fulfilled my church callings, went to the temple, talked to friends and co-workers, interacted with others in a friendly and professional way. I enjoyed camping with family. I love playing games and reading and learning. I enjoyed life away from Leonard. Everything else that was going on, I could ignore, or wish away. Or look the other way. Because I had so many other good things in my life. But every year as Thanksgiving approached, I knew life was going to be rough for several months. Holidays, ugh. Christmas, a nightmare. Tax season… even worse than a nightmare. Then property taxes and insurance were due, another emotional onslaught. Every time I had to actually interact and discuss anything important, things got out of control and I was filled with dread and overwhelm.

Never mind the phone sex, pornography, two-year meth binge, prostitutes and other women, the girlfriend in Montana, the one in California that he has gone to visit several times but lied and said he was either going to Washington or hunting, the arrest in California, the years of him in a drug-induced stupor, and now the smoking in the house — smoking both cigarettes and heroin. The drug bust last Monday night by the Department of Criminal Investigation.

I was actually a little wishy-washy about this whole thing all week long. I kept doubting myself and thinking it could actually get worse in a courtroom. And then I got a text.

Can I get justins number lost my phone yesterday

Will u call him bave him call me

Yes no

Who is this? And Justin who?

Leonard dci justin lost my phone at work

Alright

Got his number

Alright what you calling or getting the number

You asked me to have him call you . . I sent a text to have him call you. I have no idea if he works today.

Can u text me his number

No. You can call Dispatch and ask them to give him a message. I don’t give out people’s private numbers. 307-782-7432

Am supossed to call bim every day

What ever same ol

That will give him a better idea

I couldn’t believe he could turn a text into a “proof that the reason ‘he is the way he is’ is because of something I said or did.” This phone text will apparently prove to Justin, a DCI guy who just had the choice to either arrest him for possession or trade an arrest for the name of his heroin dealer, that suddenly it will come on like a light-bulb for Justin — that the reason Leonard is addicted to porn, alcohol, women, sex, meth, prescription drugs, pain killers, lies, spending, power, heroin — is because I do things like not give out a phone number of someone who didn’t tell me it was OK to give out his phone number.

Really.

I’ve been working on a ‘timeline’ of all some of the things that have happened in the last thirty years that might be reasons why I want out. Things I had forgotten or blocked out. Things that should have been red flags. Things that no one in their right mind would have said, oh, it’s not that bad. Things could be worse. When it’s written out in a list . . it’s enough.

A week at SAFV with two small children
A restraining order
Broken doors
Fists through doors
Throwing the baby at the headboard
Yelling, screaming, intimidating, threatening
Insults
What he did to Cameron
Coming home drunk
Driving drunk
6-7 DUIs
Jail time
Not paying bills
Lying about going to Don’s
Lying about not going to California
Lying about his girlfriends
Lying about his porn
Lying about meth
Going through his entire retirement in a couple of years
Blaming me for all his problems
Screaming about the lawn mower
What he did with the pump last summer
Screaming about going to Evanston
Slicing a knife through the air at Logan
Showing up and hour late and stoned with his eyes rolling back in his head
Backing into my car and blaming me
Telling me I need to learn how to shoot a gun to protect myself

Believe me. It’s a partial list. But writing it down helps me to see that this is huge, that things are not going to get better, and that this really is reason to file for divorce.

Dr. Laura says divorce should never be taken lightly. But there are four As that should be a consideration for divorce. Alcohol, Abuse, Addiction, Abandonment. Alrighty. I’ve got four out of four going on right here. So I need to recognize this train wreck and do what it takes to get away from this deplorable situation.

Step one, tomorrow.

One thought on “lawyer, finally

  1. Carol

    Remember what you wrote: “He loves me enough, knows me enough and cares for me enough to direct me in other matters of import. Surely!!”
    God will direct you through this. You are His precious daughter, and we will be here to help all along the way. Love you!

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