feel, listen, hear, endure

I’ve just come from our Stake Conference in which I heard an amazing, encouraging and straightforward talk on the subject of enduring. We, us Mormons [members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints] usually automatically add ‘to the end’ each time we say/hear the word ‘endure.’

And it seems like such a long, long time.

I remember when my Grandpa Rollins was 103 and wondering if he could endure another moment. He had been sick for several months and even wanted to end his own life. I remember him not wanting to eat. He just wanted to go . . . to die. His wife, my Grandma Viola, had been gone twenty one years, since 1974, and he was plum lonely and worn out.

I remember a talk I heard suggesting we don’t just endure, but that we strive to endure well!

I’m not doing well in that department. Sometimes I am so frustrated and almost bitter about where I am, the choices I’ve made [I'm not blaming anyone else!] to bring me to this point and the feeling of being overwhelmed, sad, disappointed and alone. Mostly it’s on Sunday when I spend another three hour block by myself at church . . . a church that is family oriented where people sit together as families, talk about their families, teach about being families, and strive to be Eternal Families.

Wait. I realize it’s my own doing.

I’m still sad, and hurt and a little bitter.

Growing up I took for granted I would have a husband by my side who sat beside me in church, come rain or shine. I assumed we would share callings and assignments, go to tithing settlement together, perhaps fill a mission in our retirement years. I took for granted that we would have the same dreams, and wants, desires and standards. I, we, are not there.

And I’ve given up in that department.

And Sundays remind me of that.

Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of things I appreciate about my husband. A few things I actually love about him. He has been a good, good father to Mikelle and Stephen. He would do anything for either of them. To a fault, sometimes. And they would do anything for their dad.

Back to the talk in Conference.

She said there are three things which keep us from enduring.

1. afflictions
2. deception
3. sin

This hit me so hard [in a good way.] I recognized it as truth. And I could see myself in each one of these categories. I acknowledge to myself I have much work to do . . . my own soul’s work . . . in order to get back to where I need/want to be so that I can endure . . . w.e.l.l.

It was all I could do this morning to get up and get myself to church. I wanted to stay home. I knew since it was Conference no one would notice if I were there or not. But I’m so glad that something, someone, urged me to go and to get there an hour early so I could read the Ensign and sit quietly and peacefully on my second row seat and feel. and listen. and hear.

And endure.

i cry alone

I’m so transparent. I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a total virtual body scan and everyone I talk to can see right through me. I don’t like that feeling. I hate feeling vulnerable. Often a person will ask me a point blank question and I’ll say no when the answer is really yes. Or vice-versa. And I can feel my face turning red or I begin to sweat. Or my eyes water.

I try hard to be cordial, polite, friendly to most people, and professionally courteous to those I work with. I try to make the best of relationships I have at work, in Church and in our neighborhood.

But when it comes to getting close or personal or confiding in others, I steer clear. In fact when things get too intruding, I feel myself pulling back. I recede. I change the subject or change friends.

The friendships and relationships I have are pretty superficial. I am comfortable with superficial. Mostly. My friend Becky and I talk every single day at work. We text each other and call once in a while. But I have a hard time telling her really personal things. And yet she probably knows me better than most people, based solely on the number of years we’ve worked together and had lunch together for the past 12 years. I know I could call her for anything. And I hope she knows the same. But I still hold back.

[Sometimes when I feel us getting too close, I subconsciously sabotage our friendship so I won't get hurt. Does that make any sense at all? I know it doesn't but I know I do it.]

I’m very close to my two daughters, Tracy and Mikelle, but I have a hard time telling either one of them extremely personal things. I have five sisters and I cannot tell any of them anything that is deep inside me — my fears, my regrets, the things that hurt me most. I would die if they knew some things about me.

Why?

I’ve always felt if anyone really knew me — really knew who I am or what I’m about, they would walk away. If I were to expose my biggest flaws and my greatest sins and my real feelings, they would be so repulsed they’d not want to know me.

Most of me knows this is ridiculous. Most of me knows these are old tapes playing. Most of me knows these are fears and nightmares from childhood. Most of me realizes that these are irrational and self-defeating thoughts. Much of me knows I’m not ever going to take the chance of finding that out for sure.

I won’t expose myself to that kind of scrutiny and judgement. I will go to my grave knowing things I will never share.

I had a visiting teaching partner I really connected with for several years. We shared a lot. I told her things I haven’t told anyone else. I loved being with her. I loved that we understood each other and trusted and leaned on each other. And I’ve had to let go of that friendship because it got too peronal. I was uncomfortable with her knowing ugly things about me. I was embarrassed and full of shame.

I miss her.

The other day Mikelle asked me if I had any friends. She said, who are you closest to? And it hurt. Oh, I made something up to satisfy her curiosity, but it hurt to acknowledge to myself I don’t want to have a really close friend.

I see others go shopping with each other, or going to lunch. I have two sisters who go on wonderful trips with each other. I see my daughters with so many friends, really close friends. I know people who paint their nails together. I know people who have sleepovers. Seriously, sleepovers?

But I hold that part back. I stuff all those feelings. I cry alone.

And I paste on a smile and make the best of it. So the next time you see me, I’ll be happy, probably funny. I’ll deny I ever thought these thoughts. I’ll say it was just a thing I was going through that particular day.

It was nothing. It meant nothing.

egg-grapefruit day

My weight has been bouncing around. [Imagine the rubber ball bouncing across the words on a screen with the lyrics of  "A Big Fat Lady Sat Upon My Hat!"

Yup, that's me -- the big fat lady! I've had it with my eating the last couple of weeks so it's egg-grapefruit for the day. I was up to 144 this morning and I'm ready to do something [drastic] about the whole situation. [I was 141 just three days ago!]

So far I’ve had seven hard-boiled eggs and three grapefruit and it’s 6:30 p.m. I’m not hungry in the least and think I’ll get through the evening just fine — this even with the carrot cake with cream cheese frosting masterpiece hubby brought home two days ago. I have no clue why he bought it. He KNEW he’d be in the hospital three or four days. So there it sits staring at me every time I go cut up another grapefruit.

I first started using the E/G day back when I worked at Diet Center in the mid eighties. Diet Center recommended it [not more than] two-three times a month for those who struggle with keeping it real, fibbing to themselves and just all-out binging — while at the same time paying someone or some company to help them lose weight. It’s a way to get off sugar, squelch cravings, and get a semi-fresh start. If you ever do this, be sure to take your multivitamin and drink plenty of water during the day.

There is absolutely no hunger associated with the E/G day. You can eat as much as you can choke down or want and you learn a lot about yourself in the process. For instance, you learn whether or not you are hungry or craving food. If you don’t want to eat eggs or grapefruit, chances are you’re craving. If you are able to eat only these two delightful foods when you feel hunger gnawing, you know you are only hungry. It helps clear my mind. It helps me focus and get perspective. It helps me remember how dang hard I have worked to lose this weight and how quickly it will all glom back on if I keep eating like I have the last little bit.

So, while I can’t really responsibly recommend you try it, I can say, for me, it’s what I needed to do today.

dRiVeS me cRaZy!

25 things that drive me crazy, make me mad or destroy my sanity: [Warning: you may not want to read this. Some content is unsettling or could be offensive to the pure in heart.]

1. Shrimp and other crawling sea creatures boiled alive and served as food for the human population.

2. Pornography. I hate going through a checkstand and seeing half-naked women right next to the candy bars, soft drinks and Chap Stick. When I was growing up, it was kept behind a counter or covered with brown paper.

3. People who leave their stuff on the toilet seat in a public restroom. This includes their poo, pee and paper.

4. People who use too much make-up. It seems they are hiding from the world and from themselves. I hate the orange line along the hair and jaw line of too dark [or the wrong color] make-up. Someone should be kind enough to tell the unwitting their makeup is all-wrong.

5. Forgetting important [and often trivial] things.

6. People who obviously haven’t studied the topic yet continually add their thoughts to the Gospel Doctrine class because they love the sound of their own stupidity. This kills the Spirit in a split second and undoes any good that was previously accomplished.

7. Really bad breath, and people who won’t bother to tell someone they could use a mint.

8. Gay and lesbian relationships. Holding hands and kissing in public. Movies and TV that insist on showing this depraved choice of lifestyle.

9. Bible bashing. Especially the morons who stand on the street corners during General Conference and yell at the top of their lungs that their views are more Christian than my beliefs.

10. Sewing machines that make knots under the fabric with the bobbin thread.

11. Manufacturers who try to trick me into eating more calories by putting 2 servings in a single package of say, a small bag of Sun chips, and list it on the nutritional label in very small print. This goes for a small bottle of juice as well. I mean, really, who is going to share the other half of a 14-ounce V-8 Splash after they have already put their germs on the rim?

12. People who can’t seem to rid their homes and yards of junk. This includes myself. My basement is a landfill in the making.

13. Public display of breasts. Big breasts falling out of a tiny tank top with a bra unequal to the exhibit. On more than one occasion I’ve walked over to a total stranger and said “Hitch it up, lady!”

14. Movies that would have been perfectly good but had to add vulgar language to up the rating.

15. Pop-up adds on my computer, especially the “one rule.” I’d like to “one-rule” them right in the nose.

16. Oprah weighing so dang much when she has access to the best dieticians, the best trainers and her own gym and swimming pool in all of her eight houses. I think it takes a lot of nerve to expect all of America to better themselves when she doesn’t take care of her own health and weight issues.

17. Tattoos, body piercing and the new trend of ear gauging with the big African-style loops that distort the lobe into a hideous display of anger and disrespect for the human body.

18. Affairs, unmarried sex, lies, flirting, cheating. Anything that undermines a sacred marital relationship. And as a result displaces children, warps their present and future relationships, resulting in the upheaval of society, creating single-parent families trying to raise innocent children on the backs of the welfare system.

19. Not knowing exactly what vitamins I should be taking for my particular circumstances.

20. Plaque. Getting my teeth cleaned and having to admit I’m particularly lazy in the area of oral hygiene.

21. The whole Hollywood thing. I can’t believe intelligent, hard-working, honest, decent people have any desire to observe famous people posing and stroking themselves on the red carpet. It infuriates me when the ‘rest of us’ fall prey to their lack of morals, lack of clothing and lack of reality.

22. Perfectly good cell phones and computers that no longer function because they have become outdated and have to be upgraded to keep up with technology.

23. Otherwise wonderful, loving and adorable people who can’t for the life of themselves realize they are offspring of a benevolent God who wants them to turn to Him in all things. They insist of ruining their lives with the trappings and glitter of the dark one’s lure.

24. People who continue to tell the same version of a story they’ve realized was not true but who enjoy the thrill of upsetting others with their gossip and ‘inside’ information.

25. Debt. The enticement of ‘having it all’ without having the means to pay for it. The concept of instant gratification and being lured by easy credit. The effect it has on the entire country and the economic situation when people selfishly want, want, want without actually having worked for it.

state of 'mine'

“Feeling good about myself is a state of mine.” ~Lauren Sheffield.

I love this quote. At first you think it says ‘state of mind.’ But, truly, it is a state of mine! It places responsibility for how I feel right where it belongs — with me. Ultimately, I decide how to feel. I can choose [with careful consideration and thoughtful patience] to have a great day everyday.

There are so many benefits of optimism. Superior health. Greater achievement. Persistence. Emotional health. Increased longevity. Less Stress. Productivity.

Self talk can be devastating. We say things to ourselves, or under our breath, that we would never say to our greatest enemy. 

I want to be more careful what I think. My thoughts become my words. My words become my actions. My actions become my habits. Much of the time I’m not even aware of my negative thoughts, so I have fashioned my goal for the next several days around this realization. And I will focus, as well, on what I can do, what I can accomplish, instead of what I can’t or won’t.

GOAL:

I will be more aware of negative self-talk, so that when I find myself engaging in it, I will not only catch it — but also switch it to more nurturing, supportive, sustaining thoughts.