1:35

It’s 1:35 am and I haven’t been to sleep. Was actually in bed a couple of hours but couldn’t doze off. I know exactly what it is. The king size chocolate bar. Ohmygoodheck! My life is a shamble. What am I doing to myself? Seriously, even if a bar is 86% cacao, it still isn’t good for you me! Why do I keep buying things that I pretend are better than the alternative and then eat them all in one sitting?

I have to get up in less than 3 hours and go move snow! Yes, March 31 and we got 3 inches of the white stuff.

i give me a six!

I’m missing me. I’m missing the person who makes exercise a priority every day. I’m missing the feeling of a tight tummy and that little ache in the back of my arms the day after a good workout. I’m missing the commitment and feeling of pride and accomplishment that naturally follows taking care. Of me.

Sure I’ve worked 60 hours plus the last three weeks. Sure my husband had a total knee replacement and has required extra care. Sure I have a lesson coming up next Sunday, have spent time on taxes, did the presentation in our maintenance/custodial meeting yesterday. But where am I in all of this. Why did I ignore my own personal and physical needs? Why did I go to the back of the line, the bottom of the pile?

I didn’t even make it two days concentrating on getting all my protein in, like I “committed to” just last post! Ugh! Grr!

Am I so accustomed to ignoring myself, putting myself last, that it comes so naturally I don’t even have to think about it — and don’t even realize or recognize it until long after the fact?

It hasn’t been that long since I was my own best friend. I was number one on my list of things to do. But over time I’ve forgotten me. I’ve gotten lazy, slipped back into getting everything done for everyone else and thought — I’ll get to me later.

Well, it’s later.

My weight is bouncing around. I’m having a hard time stabilizing it. I’m having a hard time resisting those late evening snacks in front of the TV– the few minutes I’ve had to catch up on the Olympics or a few minutes of news.

I’ve been as high as 144 this week, but was back to 142 this morning. I know my measurements have taken a hit, my clothes are tighter. I’m sluggish.

And I’m tired.

Physically tired. But also tired of feeling emotionally wiped out. Tired of knowing how much it takes to take care. Tired to realize this is something I have to. do. for. ever!

But ever determined, I keep telling myself after Regional Basketball I will have time to devote to myself again. I’ll have time to exercise everyday, plan menus, eat healthy.

Am I just kidding myself? Have I slipped in my own ratings?

no title for this post . . .

I don’t want to be honest today. I don’t want to tell the truth any more. [I don't care what I promised myself at the beginning of all this.] I don’t want to admit what I did last night. I want to pretend I’m perfect and have it all under control — all the time. I want hubby to not bring home chocolate cake. Why does he keep doing that? And I wish he would have taken the three GIANT candy bars to work like he said he would. I don’t want to think about 10 pm to 12 pm last night. I don’t want to get on the scale today. I want to stay in bed with the covers over my head. I don’t want to look in the mirror today. I don’t want to know I let myself down. I want to be invisible.

a while longer

I went to another ward yesterday. Because I didn’t even want to be in the same room as her. I wanted to make sure she got the message she really hurt me.

So, I sat there in the back row, slightly uncomfortable, slightly exposed and vulnerable; pasted smile. I actually hesitated with the sacrament. No it’s her, not me!

And one of the talks was on f.o.r.g.i.v.i.n.g.

Ugh.

Pretty much what I didn’t want to hear. But, per usual —  what I needed to hear.

I’m not ready. I know I will get there, but I’m not at the point where I can say it’s OK. It’s OK that she treated me like an invisible moron who is less important than anyone else working at the school. It’s not important that she yelled at me in front of students. It’s not OK that she practically called me ‘J****.’ It’s not OK that she offered this tiny apology and thought that was enough. It’s not OK that she hasn’t gone to the principal and the administrators and undone the damage. It’s just not.

No. I’m going to keep this hurt and hold on to it for a while longer.

So I ate five cookies. That will show her!

Uh-huh.

sorry

I’m venting. I know. I’m still venting.

No need to lash out.

I need to work a little more on my p.r.o.c.e.s.s.i.n.g

Alrighty then. [Big smile.] I weight 141.5. I’m cleaning my bedroom. I’m exercising in my room with my new 7 and 8-pound weights. Having Bruce’s cereal and mangos for breakfast. Heading to Park City or Ogden with Scott and Andie. And I’m going to have a great day!

[This whole thing has turned out to be way too personal, way to revealing and way too uncomfortable for me lately.]

spending

America First
Nook and Cranny   21.15
JoAnn Fabric  6.49
Movie  44.13

Wells Fargo
Chris & Banks  111.07

Discover
Murdochs  78.72
Bath and Body  51.44
Sam’s  19.87
Sam’s  9.01

Capital One
Murdochs  544.60
Sam’s  17.86
Wal Mart  24.97

WaMu
Maverik  22.50
Smith’s  7.91
Albertsons  18.35
C Banks  10.59
Abbots  9.93
Porters  5.29
Abbots  16.94
Pita Pitt  11.34
Porters  5.82
Sports Author  47.45
Deseret Bk  43.13
Bath and Body  10.60

I listed all of this so I could really take a look at how sick it is! If I were a drinker I’d be stone cold drunk right now. If I were a gambler, I’m sure the mafia would have me in their sights. I acknowledge I have addictive personality disorder. And I want to be perfectly clear and truthful with myself about this. I’m not sure why I’m out of control, but I know I am.

Time for some extra hard work at getting back to some semblance of order.

teeter-totter

It’s totally incredible and unbelievable to me how I can go from stable, secure, doing well, to completely out of control in just a couple of days. But I guess that’s why I have a blog about trying to get [and/or keep] it all together. My spending is out of control. My eating is out of control. TV time is out of control.

I feel like crap.

I’m stress eating. I know that for sure. How? I’m not even chewing. I’m stuffing food into my mouth and swallowing. It probably has to do with all the spending I’ve done lately [$972.57 just since the 23rd of December.] What’s going on here? I ate chocolate cake, candy bars, [just three more GIANT candy bars and I'll be done with those! Thank heavens!] popcorn, cookies, crackers, cheese, junk, junk, junk. I’m so disgusted with myself. My size 10 pants are killing me! They have completely cut off blood flow to the brain!

Mikelle is getting married in 4 days and I have gained 5 pounds in five days. Wow, at this rate I won’t fit into anything I own.

Oh, yah, I still have the green dress! Lord help me!

Why? Why do I do this? A week ago I felt wonderful! I was so proud of coming home from a week-long visit and weighing 140. I can’t describe the amount of satisfaction and self-honor I [momentarily -- for about two seconds!] felt.

And in a matter of days I have gone from that to total annihilation. Self-destruction. Self-loathing. Self hate.

If ever there was a time when I needed help, it’s surely right this minute.

but 'n' just, just 'n' but

I listened to Dr. Laura on the way to Tracy’s and one comment she made changed my direction of thinking and supposing for a few minutes. And I’ve thought about it several times since.

She said when you are speaking and you say ‘just’ or ‘but’ you often negate what you spoke. ‘Just’ and ‘but’ are like two weights around your ankles.

I realized you I don’t get very far justing and butting all over the place.

I considered it the rest of the day and each time I almost said either of the words I was able to stop and think through what I was negating. I thought of the times in the past when I said, for example, “I’m, sorry, it’s just that you . . . ”

[Not a very affective apology.]

Or “I want to, I really do. But I just . . .”

Oops, both words are in that excuse and it really changes the meaning of ‘I really want to.’

So I started thinking about how I messed up this past week. There was just too much food around the house! I’m not sure that sentence has the same impact, because ‘just’ there means ‘only.’ So I didn’t really negate anything. But when I say “I really wanted to eat healthy but there was too much unhealthy food around the house,” I’m not being responsible for what I did. I’m shifting responsibility to the food! It’s the food‘s fault! Or hubby’s for buying so much junk, or all the company’s fault. I wanted to have plenty of food for all of them, things they would like, but it turned out that I didn’t control my own eating and was out of control.

I fell back on some really poor habits. Sneaking food, eating in bed. Eating ’til I was past stuffed. Ugh.

When I use ‘just’ as an excuse [as opposed to meaning recently or only] it also changes what I am saying. I wanted to get the house in order, it’s just that I had to . . .

I’m going to try to be more aware of saying what I mean and what I want to say . . .

I just realized. The word ‘try’ pretty much negates everything as well.

all those 'D' words

I’d like to just ramble. I’d like to let drifting thoughts just appear in my post as they make themselves known. But I can’t really, because I’m afraid of what might come out. My guard is up and I can tell that I’m feeling all closed down. I can say this: I’m feeling a little disappointed, a little despondent, a little discourage, a little discomfited, a little depressed, a little dispirited, a little deflated. All those ‘D’ words. But I can add a few ‘U’ words as well because I’m feeling a little uncomfortable, unsuccessful, unaccepted and unbalanced

So I might be going through something. I’m entertaining that thought at the moment.

Ah. Maybe it’s post-holiday let-down. Maybe it’s associated with the blah, freezing-cold weather. Maybe it’s because I’ve not worked out or eaten healthy all week. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’ve let myself down in those two areas. Maybe it’s the sugar in my body and the crap. Maybe it’s the disappointment in my Relief Society Lesson.

Let’s go there for a minute. I had prepared for this particular lesson for several weeks. I had researched, written and rehearsed. I wanted everything so perfect because daughter, Mikelle, would be there and I wanted her to 1) see that I could teach well, 2) hear the importance of the message and 3) have it touch her heart for a life-changing experience.

None of those things happened. Really.

I started crying and couldn’t even talk. I pretty much blubbered my way through the lesson. I stumbled over words that I don’t usually stumble over. I was nervous, forgetful and I left the last two pages of my lesson unfinished. Here’s another ‘D word. Disaster. I am so embarrassed.

The thing is, my RS Presidency gave me a certain topic and I wanted to go in another direction. I did not want to teach about pornography and all the ills that accompany such a perverse and disgusting lifestyle. I wanted to teach about my love of the scriptures. I thought I knew best. So when it turned out poorly, I felt like I had let them all down as well, and that they might be secretly feeling ‘we-told-you-so’ sort of things. [They wouldn't do that. But I'm feeling the same whether they would or wouldn't.]

And I feel blah.

So I ate. [ah, now we're getting to it . . .] I let my emotions drive me right to the rest of the ‘Reisens.’ Opened the box of Maxfield Chocolates. Found Leonard’s Cookies’ n’ Cream candy bar that I made him hide. [Dang it, he is not a very good hider!] I ate pasta and lasagna. I ate Stephen’s candy bar. I ate, ate, ate. And, you guessed it my weight is up. [You know what! If my weight wasn't up I'd be disappointed too. It deserves to be up!!!!]

Mikelle and Logan are snoring on the couch. It’s past nine in the morning. My house is a shipwreck! I need to get my act together. My pants are tight and my face is bloated. My eyes have baggage! I’m missing Tracy and her family. I need to go to work and get some more hours in over the break — 24  total. I have no energy. I have no ambition.

I don’t know. I’m just a little disappointed, a little despondent, a little discourage, a little discomfited, a little depressed, a little dispirited, a little deflated. All those ‘D’ words.