7
Jan

new balance isn’t just a shoe

It’s 2pm and I am, seriously, still in my sweats that I wore to the gym this morning at 7am. Lazy day? Not at all! I woke up early… 4:45am and I’ve been listening to good things ever since. I’m living in the podcast world presently! There are soooo many good things, so much information to improve outlooks and understanding and lives. I started listening to Bold New Mom last summer and moved on to approximately twenty more! I listen to The Virtual Couch, Bloom for Women, Ted Radio, Invisibilia,The Life Coach School, The Joyful Soul Project, 30 in 30, Super Soul, Interpreter Foundation, BYU Speeches and podcasts on Scripture Sudy. I just started COLD, the story about Susan Powell’s disappearance, Serial, LDS Lesson Helps, Meridian Magazine, Priceless, Women in the Scriptures. So many good things. Every now and then I’ll run into something I don’t relate to, something offensive, or something ‘not me’ and I just move on to something else. I’ve learned so much. I have loved using my brain and thinking deeply and trying to improve my basic outlook on life. To what? To: Life.Is.Good. So Good.

The divorce is over. It’s been two months. I spent one entire year gathering information for the attorney. The four previous years I was consumed with the wrecking-ball going on in my home. And now, all I have is wonderful time and space and openness… to learning and growing.

For instance:

I learned something new about emotions and what an emotion “is asking us to do.” Emotions bring a message to us, and if we do what is required, the emotion will move on. If, however, we dart around and avoid the emotion, it will keep trying to deliver the message [much like someone trying to deliver a telegram . . it will keep trying to get the message to us]. If we accept the message, say, hey thanks, then the emotion is able to move on.

There are four main emotions and thousands of other emotions are a combination or layering of these four primary ones, much like all colors are combined from the three primary colors of red, blue and yellow. They are sadness, anger, scared and happy. And each one has a message for us.

The message from sadness is to slow down and to let go of something.
The message from anger is to find what boundaries we need to set [or release] and what changes we need to make.
The message from scared is to make a plan, to get prepared for something,
The message from happy is to enjoy and rejuvenate.

Other emotions are combinations of these as they blend together in our everyday experiences. You can be angry and happy at the same time. You can be scared and happy at the same time. You can even be sad and happy at the same time.

It’s all so interesting to me. Of course, I Googled the topic and many many many other sites say there are 8 main emotions, 20 main emotions, or 27 main emotions that all others come from.

I also learned about the importance of not isolating yourself. Isolation leads to every negative mental state there can possibly be. I tried to put that thought and information into perspective in light of what happened to who I have lived with for the past 32 years.

And, last, for now, is the wonderful suggestion I learned about having a “self-check” every single day. Maybe right before bed. It’s productive and enlightening to ask ourselves these questions, or similar ones, about the day. They involve my physical, emotional, spiritual, social, psychological state, and how I feel about self-care, boundaries, commitment/goals, and gratitude.

How do I feel physically? Let’s see, my back still aches, but my stomach feels better, I love how my muscles feel after going to the gym this morning, my eyes are finally rested and the cut on my thumb is healing. My feet are always cold . . . Etc.

How do I feel emotionally? OK, I am feeling pretty calm, or I could really use a good cry. I’m nervous about my presentation at RS tomorrow night or I laughed out loud at Marty Deeks on NCIS/LA. . . Etc.

How do I feel spiritually? My prayers are more meaningful, I find that I look forward to morning and evening prayers. I’m not avoiding talking with God anymore, I love the feeling I had in church during a talk. Or Satan won’t leave me alone, I’m sliding backwards, I resent having to toe the line . . . Etc.

After the P/E/S/S/P list, check in with self-care. Something like: I need to take time after my shower to lather on lotion, and I really need to get my browns cleaned up. I made a smoothie for today and one is in the fridge for tomorrow. I thought of two uplifting positive affirmations and I love thinking about the power of the word “elevate.” I took time to read a thoughtful inspirational quote.

Follow through with awareness about boundaries, commitment/goals, and gratitude.

One more thought:
Gratitude reminds us to balance out our thinking.

So many good things to learn and enjoy. There’s literally no end to it. Our Creator expects His children everywhere to gain an education as a personal endeavor. He issued this commandment: “Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.” D&C 88:118

 
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25
Nov

november 8

I’m divorced.

It was a quiet day. I visited with my attorney for an hour. She explained what would likely happen in court, both if Leonard showed up and if he didn’t. She said that if he showed up, the judge would schedule a half-day in January or February. But, if Leonard didn’t bother to show up, the judge would sign the papers right then.

He didn’t bother.

At the time, I thought, is that all there is to it? We chat for 3-4 minutes? The judge asks if I have anything to say? I don’t? He signs? It was a bit surreal. Almost like a slow-motion dream. I remember thinking, never mind Heavenly Father . . . I don’t need your help after all. It was like the story of the guy in a precarious position in a tree who prayed for help and then when things turned out OK for him, he said, never mind, God.

And, then I had a big moment when I realized and acknowledged that Heavenly Father had actually taken care of all the detail the last several years. He comforted me. He guided me. He prompted me. He protected me. He encouraged me. He soothed me. He put people on my path. He inspired me.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over, but one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

There are still circumstances that need to be worked through. Leonard owes me almost $20,000. He still needs to come and get his things. The protection order is still in force until February, so he will need to have law enforcement with him. He will make things miserable. He will blame. He will deny. He will minimize. He will justify.

But, four years of meth, heroin, oxy, prostitutes, lies, alcohol, deception, money disappearing, locked doors, sneaking, girlfriends, texts, pornography . . . all over. I don’t have to live with any of this. This darkness. This disgust. This ugly.

I cringe when I think of 32 years of my life gone. I force myself to look at it differently because, it’s too painful to dwell on. I beat myself up when I think too long and hard about what I’ve made of life. Or, rather, what I haven’t made of life.

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven

I listened to this the other day and although it is obviously a song from Mary to the Lord, I identified with some of the phrases.

Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

I feel broken and alone and cold as a stone on many a day. But, I have hope and faith and a testimony that I am visible to God and his Son, and that I am fixable.

I am fixable.

 

28
Oct

sweet home

People keep asking me what I’m doing now that I’m retired.
Hey, how’s retirement?
What do you do all day?
How’s it going now that you’re not working?
Are you bored?
Are you going to sub for the school?
You better keep busy! No sitting in a rocking chair all day!

I’m not sure they really want to hear the answer . . it’s  more of just a routine hello, how ya doing kind of comment.

Admittedly I have had some days that I was a little worried because it can be boring if I’m not careful.

I have been going to the gym 3-4 times a week.
I pray.
I read the Book of Mormon [President Nelson’s challenge to  read before the end of the year.]
I go to Ogden about 3x a month — Temple and other reasons.
I work on the computer. I love producing the ward bulletin each week.
I go to Institute class on Tuesdays which means I study extensively on Mondays.
I’ve been doing a Betrayal Trauma course online.
I play brain-builder games.
I do laundry and dishes occasionally.
I read. Currently Charles Martin
I help Mikelle with the kiddos.
I go to high school games.
I watch TV.

I was working in the yard 3-4 times a week until it turned cooler. I would like to have one more really warm day to go out and mow up all the leaves all over the yard. That way I can start out fresh next spring. I have loved all the outside work this past summer.

I have loved having this time to myself. Everyday in my prayers I thank Heavenly Father for peace, comfort, quiet, calm, clean air to breath, assurance. It’s been wonderfully relaxing and strengthening and whole. It’s been refreshing, rejuvenating and refilling.

Last weekend Easton was baptized and lots from Logan’s family stayed at Mikelle’s house and Tracy and her family stayed at my house. It was the first time in years, years, that anyone stayed here. I loved every single minute of having company! People haven’t felt welcome. People couldn’t stay here because of the smoke. People couldn’t stay here because of the vibe. And now they can!

I worked most of my life for 52 years and now I am enjoying not getting up at 4:20 and heading out, rain or shine. I’m enjoying not cleaning restrooms and the commons after lunch. I’m enjoying not dealing with student’s. I’m enjoying not shoveling snow and raking up endless piles of leaves around the entrances. I’m enjoying not dealing with two of the employees who constantly had concerns about one another. I’m enjoying not walking on cement floors for 9-hour days. I’m enjoying not setting up for games and events. I’m enjoying not working the craft fair or tournaments or pee-wee wrestling. I’m enjoying not listening to someone who asked the most annoying , intrusive and inappropriate questions. I’m enjoying not cleaning the FACS room with chicken parts down the disposal and piles of junk in every possible spot. I’m enjoying NOT.

I got to go to Oregon for a wonderful event that honored Tracy.

I got to go to Mexico for stem cells and the Tijuana Temple.

I got to ride my bike 3-4 times a week in the early morning sunshine.

So, when people ask Hey, how’s retirement . . I just say . . Good!