8
Jan

it will be me!

It’s Sunday. One of my very favorite days. I’m sick today. I’ve had a couple of little ‘accidents’ and now my stomach is hurting. I don’t know if I should try going to church, because I’m thinking everything is going to be coming up, or coming out. You get the picture. Ugh.

I’ve been studying the Gospel Doctrine lesson this week. We’re on lesson 2 and the main purpose of this week’s study is to help us me feel the powerful witness of the Savior that comes through the Doctrine and Covenants and to help strengthen my testimony of the Savior’s Atonement.

I’ve been reading the DC from start to finish this year — starting back in September and I’m reading with David Ridges’ commentary. It has been so fascinating to read the historical context with each section. I’ve learned and felt much! It’s something I look forward to at lunchtime each day.

Although I’ve had a particularly difficult time actually feeling the Savior’s love for moi [as stated many times previous, I’m sure it’s connected with not being able to feel my own father’s love] I do recognize his love for the people I am studying about. I can hear and feel his love and concern and his patient guiding and teaching. I want to feel that same thing in my own life, but I am a little left of center on that one.

But . . . and this is a big but . . I do actually believe that there is purpose in my life and there are reasons [that I don’t fully comprehend] for my life to be a hot prickly mess right now. Although my own choices played a huge role in where I am, I believe the Lord is aware of me and has helped me to navigate through this struggle and has growth and happiness in store.

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I want, so much, to feel peace and quiet and wholeness. I want mindful intentional deliberate growth. I love those three words together. Even when everything is falling apart around me, I believe that I can still grow and learn and attain. Something will grow from all of this and it will be me.

7
Jan

people ask me all the time

Wow, I just had to erase and start over. I was on a bit of a downward spiral and then realized there was no point in going there. What is, is. The last two years happened. I’ve read at least a couple dozen quotes about how life in the past can’t change the future. Here’s one . .

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I kind of wish the word ‘the’ was in there somewhere, but I like this one. Believe me, there are hundreds. So, I was wondering, really, am I making the future better or am I just hovering here? Everyday is such a disappointment in so many ways. When reality hits me, I think what am I doing? Why am I here? I’m so disgusted! But, then I reason things out and pretty much come up with the same answers. I want to be here in my home. I want to work while I still can. I want to be near family. I want to continue associating with the friends, neighbors, ward members that I have grown to love. I want to be able to attend my own ward. I want to keep doing the things that bring me joy. I don’t want to feel displaced. I don’t want to live in someone else’s home. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to miss the things that have given meaning to my life.

This morning I got up early to go to the temple, I showered, dressed, got ready. The car won’t start. The temperature is -20 and the last two days have taken a toll on my battery. The night before was -35 degrees, and I had to call for a ride to work, and then later for help with my car. So . . I’ll either wait and try again, or change back into sweats and do something else. I’m trying to be quiet so I don’t wake up L. I really hate even being in the same house, so when he’s here, I stay in my room or downstairs.

How did I get here? What is it I need to learn? What is it I need to do? I see people all around me who are suffering in so many ways . . much worse than anything I’ve ever suffered. And in comparison, I have little to complain about. They are hurting, physically . . they are sick and broken and have enormous medical bills. They have lost loved ones. They have lost faith….

I have faith. I believe in God’s plan. I believe He can do more with my life than I can, and so I’ve tried to listen and follow and do. I can only do what I can do and believe me, some days I barely get through the day. But other days are wonderful and nearly perfect.

So I keep hanging in. Until I have a huge, undeniably obvious prompting to do something different. People ask me all the time why I am still here. Why don’t I leave? I don’t bother to explain to them anymore. I smile and think . . all of these thoughts over and over and over.

 

29
Dec

shame on me

I’m embarrassed how my life turned out. I really am. I’m even ashamed. I know . . that’s a strong word, full of emotion and hurt and, well, shame. I’m full of shame. Sometimes so much so that I can’t look other people in the eye. And at the same time, I’m actually learning to be OK.

My life is, admittedly, a mess. Something I wouldn’t recommend to others. I’m house mates with a person who is over-medicated, let me just say ‘under-employed,’ pretty much can’t believe anything he says, and who texts other women day and night. He has foul language, watches R rated garbage that I often hear through the walls, and has a temper that erupts at inopportune times. Sometimes he can’t actually keep up his end of a conversation because of said reasons, and sometimes we go a day without speaking to each other.

See, a mess.

I have siblings who have perfect lives. Several are blessed with many children and grandchildren and all of them seem [to me] to be productive, self-motivated, kind, thoughtful, law-abiding, God-fearing people. I run into them at reunions, or funerals. I see them on Facebook. I never see anyone who is living with the same circumstances I have.

Sheesh, I think back, and I can actually see how I got here. It’s not like I can blame one other living soul. This is all on me. Sometimes I just shake my head and heave audible sighs of regret and unmet hopes and dreams. Unmet needs.

Once in a while, though, I can see JOY in my life. Enough joy to make it all worth the other things. I love when I go to the temple, and enjoy something . . a message or a lesson . . at church. I love my kids and grands. I love camping and reading, and learning and crafting. I enjoy my job and have a few friends there. I love ice cream. OK, wait . . I love summers. I enjoy scoring at games and watching the athletes in our schools. I love a good book, and I really love a good movie or show on TV that takes some brain cells to keep ahead of the plot. I love deep thinking. I love reading something deep and having an aha moment with the author.

So . . I guess it’s not all a mess.

But, I do find myself wishing it were over and done with. I find myself wishing for the Second Coming and the afterlife. I do find myself wishing I could just wipe away most of what I’ve made of this life.

Shame on me for settling for this. Shame on me for not paying enough attention to details that we got to this. Shame on me for ignoring the obvious. Shame on me.