actually . . .

The other day [has it already been a month?] Carol said, “May 11th.” “May 11th is the last time you wrote.” Sheesh. I just haven’t had it in me. I think I might now. I’m not completely sure what I was missing, but I know it was a real thing. I could feel it. Or lack of it. I could feel my emptiness . . but that’s all starting to change. I had to laugh when I read Jessica’s last post, because I knew exactly what she was talking about when she said her blog stormed off and is sulking in the corner!

Mine has been sulking and boo-hooing for a while now. But, I’m back. Not coincidentally, my weight is down. People tell me all the time that the two have nothing [or should have nothing] to do with each other. All I know is HELLO! They do to me!

This morning I found an old notebook where I had been keeping track of my exercising. I started tracking in it on Spring break, way back when . . . I had also started the BM Translation Challenge back then. April 7th to be exact. I exercised for three weeks straight. I felt great! I read the Book of Mormon for 90 days straight. I felt great! I had recently looked through an old calendar, as well, one that I had circled Monday after Monday. Month after Month. A [new] commitment that I would do well. And for 5-6 days in a row I did! A week. Maybe two weeks and then crash, burn, sabotage, give up. That’s me. I fully expect that to be written as an epitaph on my headstone. If it’s not . . . it will be because that little detail will have been taken care of by someone who never knew me. The real me.

In the meantime, I dealt with some of my feelings about Tracy and her illness. I dealt with them. I mourned. I went through all the stages of loss and grief. I went to the temple one day and bawled through the entire session. I bawled in the Celestial room. I bawled and prayed. People kept walking past me and handing me tissues as I prayed. When I finally opened my eyes, I had a pile on my apron.

And, I felt more peace than I had in two years. It was wonderful and cleansing and filling and whole.

Then about three weeks ago I took a 7-day challenge from a woman [athlete/clean eating/beach-body coach — an amazing gal in my ward] and along with about 25 other women [and one guy] we posted everyday in a private FB group what we ate, how we felt, how we moved . . .] It was invigorating. It was fascinating. It was motivating. It was just the push I needed and I have been going strong ever since. 159.5 –> 151.5! In three weeks.

Then the other day I started the BM all over again. I had been reading the commentary by David Ridges but had downloaded his book well into 2 Nephi, so I wanted to read up to that point and highlight everything that touched me. It is such an amazing experience. I don’t know how many times I have read 1 Nephi, [at least 20!] but I have gotten more out of it this past week than ever before.

Oh, my goodness I feel good!

And, at the end of the week I am heading camping to my favorite place in the whole world. For s.i.x.t.e.e.n. whole days and nights!

So, yes, it’s been a while. A long, long while. I couldn’t even log into this site and had to reset my password. That’s how long! But, I wanted to say that I’m healthy, happy, and ready for whatever life brings. I have been blessed in so many ways. My children have been blessed. And I know without any kind of uncertainty that the Lord is aware of me and mine. No question. In fact, as I read this month’s VT message, this quote hit me hard. A good hard.

“It is of great significance to me, that I may at any moment and in any circumstance approach through prayer the throne of grace, that my Heavenly Father will hear my petition, that my Advocate, him who did no sin, whose blood was shed, will plead my cause.

It is as clear as a morning pool that the Lord loves us and cares, personally, for each of us. I don’t pretend to know how that happens, only that it does.

So, actually . . . I really am all bandaged up and ready to go.

One thought on “actually . . .

  1. tracy

    Hallelujah! A post!

    God loves you so, so much. I am grateful He is drawing you nearer to Him and that I get to be part of your journey.

    By the way, lots of people at church commented on how well I am moving! Yippee!

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